Obaa Yaa
Husband impregnates house-help, wife adopts child
Dear ObaaYaa,
There is a common saying that life is how you make it, and that tolerance and sobriety are qualities which will propel one to surmount difficulties in life.
I thought it wise to write to this column to sound a word of caution or to advise young ladies who married or up-and-coming ladies are contemplating to marry.
We got married and with time had to arrange for a house help because there was the need for an additional hand to assist in taking care of the children.
In no time, our zealous house help attracted the attention and love of everyone in the house and this has given me the assurance that she will possibly spend many years with us.
Having spent two years in the family, one morning, l discovered in her signs of pregnancy. From that time till evening, I took time to observe her critically and eventually confirmed that she was really pregnant.
Afraid of the implications involved with pregnancy and the reactions of her parents, l enquired from her who was responsible for the pregnancy.
I was shocked to the marrow when she mentioned my husband’s name as the one responsible for her pregnancy.
I hurried to the bedroom to verify from my husband what the house help had told me, but he denied that he had nothing to do with her pregnancy and that the lady must be joking.
Though l was enraged in general and the answer he had provided, the obvious question l asked him was “Why should this lady mention my husband’s name and no other man either in the house or in the vicinity?”
However, judging from my husband’s demeanour, l had the conviction that he impregnated our house help.
I took pains to provide our house help with the necessary assistance and the items she needed throughout her period of pregnancy until she was delivered of her baby.
It is quite surprising to note that his child resembles my two children.
Thereafter, l decided to take care of the child, compensated her and asked her to leave the house for good since her continued stay could probably result in another problem.
So this is my piece of advice to the young ones.
Akos, Kumasi.
Dear Akos,
This column would like to praise you for the display of wisdom by which you were able to calm a seemingly volatile situation in your family.
Your marriage would have disintegrated and the children disorganised if you had left your matrimonial home.
More importantly, sharing this wonderful example for others to emulate gladdens my heart that people in dilemma will learn useful lessons from this. It takes women of substance and good character to overcome such problems in their marriages. The world will continue to sing the praises of your calibre.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I AM 30 years old and the firstborn of three girls. Our mother died six months ago and since then, things have changed in our house.
I travelled for two weeks for work and when I returned, my younger sister, who is 24 years old, had moved all her things into my room. She said our mother gave her the room before she died, which I know is not true. Our mother left no such instruction before she died.
When I confronted her, she insulted me and told me that if I wanted peace, I should move to the boys’ quarters. Our father is not helping; he says we should not bring family matters outside.
I am hurt and angry. This was my mother’s house and I have been taking care of her before she died. How do I handle this without fighting my own blood sister?
First Born, Tema
Dear First Born,
I AM sorry for the loss of your mother. Grief is already hard, and family conflict makes it heavier.
I understand your pain. You sacrificed for your mother, and now you feel disrespected in your own home.
Please do not fight your sister physically or with insults. Once you fight, the family bond may be difficult to repair.
Don’t fight over the room; fight for peace. For now, manage with another space in the house if you can. Winning a room and losing your sister is not a true win.
Call a family meeting. You cannot do this alone. Invite a respected elder in the family, an uncle, auntie or your church elder whom your father and sister respect. Let them sit both of you down and discuss the matter fairly.
Since your mother left no will, everything should be discussed openly. Talk to your father separately. Your father said he does not want family matters outside, which may mean he still wants unity.
Talk to him calmly, one-on-one, and not when you are angry. Tell him how hurt you feel, not just that your sister is wrong.
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Dear Obaa Yaa,
FOR the past year, my mother has been complaining of one sickness after another. Whenever she called to tell me she was in the hospital, she would say the doctor had prescribed some medicines and ask me to send her money. I always did because I believed she was genuinely sick and needed my help.
A few weeks later, she would call again, claiming her condition had worsened. Sometimes it was high blood sugar or high blood pressure, and recently, she complained of sciatica. No matter how much money I sent, there was always another sickness and another medical bill to pay.
I eventually asked her to come to Accra so I could take her to the hospital for a comprehensive medical examination. However, she always had an excuse. She would say her knees hurt too much for her to sit in a car for that long or that her blood pressure was dangerously high.
Every month, I sent her at least GH₵5,000 for medical expenses. The situation became so exhausting that I sometimes stopped answering her calls because I already knew what she wanted to discuss.
Whenever I finally picked up, she would make me feel guilty for not answering.
One day, my aunt called and told me she had something important to share. She sent me a voice recording and warned me not to tell my mother about it.
I was shocked when I listened to the recording. My mother was boasting to someone that she had deliberately refused to come to Accra because she knew I would discover the truth about her supposed illnesses and stop sending her money.
What hurt me most was hearing her say, “If she heals all my sicknesses, what will I eat?”
I was devastated and furious. For an entire week, I refused to answer her calls. When I eventually picked up, she immediately started asking why I wanted her to die.
This time, I could not keep quiet.
Obaa Yaa, am I wrong to stop supporting my mother financially after discovering what she has allegedly been doing? Should I forgive her and give her another chance, or should I maintain my distance to protect myself from further manipulation?
Efe, Accra
Dear Efe,
I CAN understand your anger, disappointment and sense of betrayal. Sending your mother at least GH₵5,000 every month because you believe she is unwell is a significant financial commitment.
Discovering a recording in which she allegedly admits to deliberately avoiding a medical examination so she can continue receiving money from you would understandably hurt you deeply.
The situation is particularly painful because this is your mother, someone you naturally expect to be honest with you.
However, I would advise you not to make your next decision purely out of anger. You have every right to protect yourself from financial and emotional manipulation, but you should also consider the kind of relationship you want to have with your mother in the future.
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