Obaa Yaa
Should l revenge on my ex- boyfriend?
Dear ObaaYaa,
Our friendship started from the Senior High School through to the university where it developed into a lovely relationship. Despite the intermittent quarrels and misunderstandings which pertains to many relationships, we stayed glued to each other and life went on well.
Per our promise to each other, we managed to abstain from sex until marriage. Though we stuck to the promise we made, it got to a time we could no longer resist the constant temptation and sex became very common for us.
Irrespective of the fact that we were sexually active, l was shocked to realise at the hospital that l was two months pregnant.
My major challenge instantly was how to disclose the news about my pregnancy to my mother. Though l knew that she would not be happy with my conduct, hell will break loose if my father hears about the silly thing l have done.
As though the mental torture was not enough, my boyfriend pleaded with me that l should abort the pregnancy because he was not prepared to cater for me and my baby.
A few days after, my mother detected that there was something wrong with me but l denied and quickly followed up to abort the pregnancy due to the insistence of my boyfriend.
Though the abortion was carried out by an expert in a hospital, l bled for almost a week and was gripped with fear. l managed to return to the hospital to see the doctor who had worked on me.
He gave me a different tablet to take which stopped my bleeding.
Unknown to me, the pregnancy had caused an irreparable damage to my womb and this rendered me permanently infertile.
This devastating news was disclosed to me when all attempts to conceive eluded me after marriage. My fear is that my husband is worried and eager to know the cause of my inability to conceive.
What should l do?
Abena, Accra.
Dear Abena,
I can guess how frustrated you must be and the fear that your husband could know details of your medical report. The only condition in marriage for which divorce is permissible is when the man for example is impotent and for that matter cannot perform his conjugal duties.
Though relatives and friends maysometimes ill-advise couples to divorce as a result of a childless marriage, ministers of the gospel willnever permit a separation on such grounds.
In your case, your husband will be angry if he gets to know that the fault is from you, and for that matter he could easily divorce you or pick another lady.
You and your husband can settle on adopting a child to appease your desire to have a child at all cost.
Alternatively, this suggestion should not come from you, but in case your husband impregnates someone outside the marriage, you can allow him to take custody of the child.
Though it is painful to recount the experience you had with your boyfriend, do not beworried too much about the past. What you ought to fight for is the stability of your marriage.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I AM 30 years old and the firstborn of three girls. Our mother died six months ago and since then, things have changed in our house.
I travelled for two weeks for work and when I returned, my younger sister, who is 24 years old, had moved all her things into my room. She said our mother gave her the room before she died, which I know is not true. Our mother left no such instruction before she died.
When I confronted her, she insulted me and told me that if I wanted peace, I should move to the boys’ quarters. Our father is not helping; he says we should not bring family matters outside.
I am hurt and angry. This was my mother’s house and I have been taking care of her before she died. How do I handle this without fighting my own blood sister?
First Born, Tema
Dear First Born,
I AM sorry for the loss of your mother. Grief is already hard, and family conflict makes it heavier.
I understand your pain. You sacrificed for your mother, and now you feel disrespected in your own home.
Please do not fight your sister physically or with insults. Once you fight, the family bond may be difficult to repair.
Don’t fight over the room; fight for peace. For now, manage with another space in the house if you can. Winning a room and losing your sister is not a true win.
Call a family meeting. You cannot do this alone. Invite a respected elder in the family, an uncle, auntie or your church elder whom your father and sister respect. Let them sit both of you down and discuss the matter fairly.
Since your mother left no will, everything should be discussed openly. Talk to your father separately. Your father said he does not want family matters outside, which may mean he still wants unity.
Talk to him calmly, one-on-one, and not when you are angry. Tell him how hurt you feel, not just that your sister is wrong.
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Dear Obaa Yaa,
FOR the past year, my mother has been complaining of one sickness after another. Whenever she called to tell me she was in the hospital, she would say the doctor had prescribed some medicines and ask me to send her money. I always did because I believed she was genuinely sick and needed my help.
A few weeks later, she would call again, claiming her condition had worsened. Sometimes it was high blood sugar or high blood pressure, and recently, she complained of sciatica. No matter how much money I sent, there was always another sickness and another medical bill to pay.
I eventually asked her to come to Accra so I could take her to the hospital for a comprehensive medical examination. However, she always had an excuse. She would say her knees hurt too much for her to sit in a car for that long or that her blood pressure was dangerously high.
Every month, I sent her at least GH₵5,000 for medical expenses. The situation became so exhausting that I sometimes stopped answering her calls because I already knew what she wanted to discuss.
Whenever I finally picked up, she would make me feel guilty for not answering.
One day, my aunt called and told me she had something important to share. She sent me a voice recording and warned me not to tell my mother about it.
I was shocked when I listened to the recording. My mother was boasting to someone that she had deliberately refused to come to Accra because she knew I would discover the truth about her supposed illnesses and stop sending her money.
What hurt me most was hearing her say, “If she heals all my sicknesses, what will I eat?”
I was devastated and furious. For an entire week, I refused to answer her calls. When I eventually picked up, she immediately started asking why I wanted her to die.
This time, I could not keep quiet.
Obaa Yaa, am I wrong to stop supporting my mother financially after discovering what she has allegedly been doing? Should I forgive her and give her another chance, or should I maintain my distance to protect myself from further manipulation?
Efe, Accra
Dear Efe,
I CAN understand your anger, disappointment and sense of betrayal. Sending your mother at least GH₵5,000 every month because you believe she is unwell is a significant financial commitment.
Discovering a recording in which she allegedly admits to deliberately avoiding a medical examination so she can continue receiving money from you would understandably hurt you deeply.
The situation is particularly painful because this is your mother, someone you naturally expect to be honest with you.
However, I would advise you not to make your next decision purely out of anger. You have every right to protect yourself from financial and emotional manipulation, but you should also consider the kind of relationship you want to have with your mother in the future.
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