Can you apologise for something you did not do for the sake of peace?  This is a vital question on the Facebook wall of Jef Carter Senior.  Days after this blog was posted on his wall, there have been interesting and divergent views from numerous followers of the page. Some did not recognise the need to apologise for something you did not do just for peace to prevail while others felt that in order to allow a sleeping dog to lie peacefully, there is the need to say sorry.

EXCHANGES WITH COLLEAGUE JOURNALIST

I had some exchanges with my colleague journalist and a friend, Doreen Hammond, the current editor of the Mirror newspaper on this particular issue. While I felt that at certain times, situations demanded that one should say sorry even though that person was not the cause of a problem to ensure peace, my sister disagreed and differed with me totally.  Her argument was that she was very accommodative, but that should not mean that she should apologise for what she had not done.  As she put it, “I let a lot of things slide and tolerate a lot but why that? So, I should for example, apologise for assaulting someone when I haven’t”, she asked.  I went further to draw her attention to the fact that she was comparing two different scenarios explaining to her that assault was something physical which even if committed indoors between couples, demanded an arbitration because of the physical injuries involved, and that was different from insulting each other verbally and other mere offences, but my colleague would never budge. Of course, we are all entitled to our opinions and we have to accept it like that.

APOLOGY AND WHAT IT ENTAILS

Since this topic is so interesting and thought-provoking, I have decided to use my column to discuss into detail, the essence of rendering an apology and what the act of doing that means to people and society in general in order to ginger up divergent opinions and views to advance the course of progress,

Apology in clear terms as explained in the dictionary, is something that you say or write in order to tell someone that you are sorry that you have hurt them or cause trouble to them.  It is, therefore, an act of showing remorse and regretting for something you have done a person, group of people, as well as establishments.  It is not a shame to tell a person you are sorry if you know deep down your heart that you have offended him or her and regret for your action.

APOLOGY REPAIRS RELATIONSHIP

Rendering an apology helps repair relationship by getting people to talk to each other or one another following some misunderstanding and makes them feel comfortable with each other again.  A sincere apology that comes from the heart allows you to know that you are not proud of what you did and, therefore, will not repeat that same behaviour.  It does not matter if we hurt someone intentionally or accidentally, we have to take responsibility and apologise sincerely.  By owning up our mistakes, we have the chance to rebuild trust or validate experiences and heal wounds.  When we refuse to take ownership or responsibility, we ignore the consequences of our actions and lessen the safety of the relationship and ultimately deepen the hurt.

IS IT IMPORTANT TO SAY SORRY?

One may ask this question; Is it important to say sorry?  The answer is hundred times yes and it is important to do so.  Depending on how much you harmed, hurt or offended the person, it can be very important, recognising though that an apology is not enough because it does not repair the damage or absolve you from the consequences of your action.  However, if you genuinely regret what you did, then saying so to the person you harmed is a good start.  There is the need for one to take responsibility for what he or she did and do what is necessary to make things better.  Saying that you are really sorry, merely shows that, you are for the rest of it.  The fact is, you don’t have to say sorry if you don’t mean it or if you are not prepared to back it up with any meaningful action, otherwise you will defeat the essence of the apology which then becomes meaningless.

APOLOGY IN MARRIAGES

For instance, couples who are courting for marriage, find life interesting or pleasing, forward looking and enjoyable in their relationship with little or no problem to manage because of the intense love and affection for each other.  However, if they enter into real marriage, blessed and sealed through the Marriage Ordinance Act which becomes lawful, there the problem starts at times when they move to their matrimonial homes to start life afresh.  Some go to the extent of insulting and abusing each other, at times more physically, resulting in physical injuries.  As a result of some of these needless infractions, in marriages, you see the bride running for cover at their parents’ abode, forgetting the vows they took ‘For Better for Worse’ in the cause of their marriage.

In real terms in marriage life, it is during this stage that the couples must realise that they need to apply the essence of apology to resolve their grievances in order to stay intact and for their marriage to flourish.  There is no need for any blame game whatsoever and one of them must sacrifice by saying sorry to the other so that they can move on in their marriage.  It is only in a matter of physical attack on each other that demands an arbitration from external sources.  Even in such cases, they need to recognise their shortcomings and mistakes and say sorry to each other.

It is a fact that, we at times struggle to overcome our pride which is not healthy and the best way to go.  Sometimes, it is very important to express remorse and say sorry for the little thing or infraction to strengthen our relationship with each other or one another.

APOLOGY IN EMPLOYMENT

In the case of employment where an employee goes contrary to the rules of an establishment, he or she must own up to the management of the establishment and apologise sincerely for the infraction, even if he or she is served with a query to answer.  Management must also tamper justice with mercy and accept the apology of the employee if the offence is not grievous and can be managed.

It is also important for friends and other relations to cultivate the habit of apologising by saying sorry when they offend one another so that peace can prevail.  Taking intransigent positions and actions, can lead to bad situations that may be regretted later.

Yes, like my colleague argued it out, she cannot own up and apologise for something she did not do. She cannot be faulted for saying so.  However, in certain situations which call for peace, if apology will lead to that cause, why can we not say so, to bring about that needed peace.

The Holy Scripture tells us that, sometimes, we might offend or sin against friends and family members and if this happens, Christians are to confess our sins to God and apologise to that person.  Everything we do must be sincere.  A true friend would fix their relationship with others instead of keeping pride and stubbornness in their hearts.  Don’t let guilt linger in your heart.  Go and apologise and make things right.

I will end this piece by quoting from the Holy Bible, Mathew 6:15 which states that, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father in Heaven will not forgive you your sins”.

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BY CHARLES NEEQUAYE