Features
Lady teachers and swollen bellies
When I was a kid I didn’t like female teachers. They would come at the beginning of the term all nice and dainty, but soon their bellies started growing for no apparent reason.
Their pretty faces will become contorted and distorted and they kept hoarding saliva in the mouth. I thought that was not very civil.
And when will the belly of Mrs stop growing out of proportion? I would wonder who was the bastard that inflicted Mrs with a balloon stomach. Yes the bastard! Who did he think he was?
Didn’t he know that Mrs couldn’t carry such a belly all by herself? And that she kept marking correct arithmetic work wrong?
I often got angry and went to my Dad to complain about the Mrs “She marked this answer wrong”.
I’d tell Papa, tearfully. “Bring it let’s see!
My Dad would look at the sum. “I think you are right,” he would say. “I wonder why she marked it wrong.”
“That woman, she is always dozing!” I’d tell my Papa. “This morning she tried to vomit, but nothing came. And half the time she is angry with everybody”.
“What might be the reason?”
“I think it is her belly. It is too large. Or is it the saliva in her mouth?”
I decided to ask Mrs why she was keeping saliva in her mouth.
The next morning I went to school and we were told that Mrs had gone on “maternity leave.” And what did that mean?
We were told that soon, she would be having a baby. Nonsense! How possibly could a baby as large as the one in Mrs stomach come out? Through which exit? They must be joking!
Sooner than expected, the class was informed that Mrs’ had delivered a bouncing baby boy. And so what? She was supposed to be in class teaching us English grammar not delivering bouncing babies.
Meanwhile, the male teacher who took over was quite different. We all noticed that contrary to expectation, his belly did not grow. At least not frontally or laterally. And he did not store saliva in his mouth. More so, he was arithmetically alert. The class was happy although he liked caning the pupils.
The man did not doze and he’d take us to PE and also teach us Christmas songs. He spoke decent English and marked the exercises on time. Then one morning he announced to us that a female trainee teacher would be coming to teach us for a while. She was from a training college. I wondered whether this one was also afflicted with a swollen belly.
PRETTY
She turned out to be a very young pretty daisy. I liked her! “My name is Miss Amoah,” she intoned. “I’ll be teaching you for the next few weeks.”
I looked at her belly. I needed to reassure myself that she was not encumbered with a ‘bouncing baby.’ My goodness! Or was it because she was Miss and not a Mrs? What was the difference anyway? “I hope you are all good boys and girls.”
“Yes Miss!” we shouted in alacrity.
“I don’t like boys who talk in class. They end up as gutter cleaners!”
We all laughed heartily and drummed on our desks. Certainly the Miss had a sense of humour in her head. How did she know that such boys ended in the gutter? And will they wear Wellington boots when doing the clean out?
“And girls who talk in class, do you know where they end up?” she asked.
“Yes!” we chorused.
“Who can tell me?”
“Farm!” one pupil said. “No!”
“In market selling tomato and garden eggs.”
“No!” said Miss Amoah.
“Hell!” (Laughter)
I raised my hand, I thought I knew this one.
“Yes you there!” Miss Amoah pointed at me.
“She’d end up with a swollen belly full of babies!”
The entire class convulsed into laughter. And it was Miss Amoah who laughed the most.
She couldn’t conjecture how I could come up with the idea of a distended belly containing babies just because a girl talked too much in class. But she realised upon a little bit of cogitation that there could be a link between talkative and babies.
DROPOUT
After all, isn’t it those who are idle talkers who aren’t serious with their academic work and end up getting pregnant and dropping out of school?
Last weekend, I watched it live on television when President Kufuor presented three cars to three lady teachers as the best teachers in Sikaman. I protested loudly. What have the male teachers been doing? Bearing babies?
My wife was overjoyed that female teachers were making a mark. But my daughter was a bit skeptical. “How were they adjudged the best?” she asked me.
“Ask your mother!”
This article was first published on Saturday, November 12, 2005
Merari Alomele’s
• Female teachers bellies starts growing for no apparent reason
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Features
The Cop, press and lost fingers
The job of a policeman, whether he is short or tall, is not a cheap one. He is supposed to keep the peace, protect society and monitor the activities of local magicians and money doublers who are specialists in making civil servants lose their pay within seconds.
By far the most difficult job of the policeman is when he is expected to arrest a murderer who is not only armed but also has a record of appearing and disappearing at will. Even if the tough cop is in the company of other policemen all armed to the teeth, his stomach will turn to water when the criminal suddenly appears.
He is terrified not because the criminal is a better marksman, but because nobody dies twice. The problem also is that a criminal might be prepared to die in a bid to shoot his way to freedom. But is the police-man prepared to risk death in the course of duty when he has a family to rear.
If he had just acquired a new girlfriend with whom he is enjoying life, should he not run away with his tail between his legs and tell his boss that the criminal is uncatchable?
Before some policemen go on patrol duties, they actually pray solemnly. “God send me into the wilderness and bring me back safely with my nose intact because I’m worth more than a common rat. I also do not want to die like a stray dog. If a bullet is targeted at my forehead, Holy Spirit please let it go over the bar, because six children is not a small palaver. If I die, who will look after them? Lord keep me safe day by day. Amen!”
The Sikaman policeman’s job is a risky one because he is not properly equipped with even a trained dog to help track down criminals easily. So he has to use his own nose judiciously in sniffing out suspects while making sure a bullet doesn’t catch him square on the jaw.
My friend Sir Kofi Owuo, a.k.a. Death-By-Poverty was telling me journalists are in an even riskier profession. Apparently, he had been reading about the palaver of journalists in places like Algeria and Columbia. Algeria, even women journalists are not spared assassin’s bullet. You’d see them lying in front of their homes with their heads full of bullet holes.
In Columbia, no journalist is safe. When a journalist is leaving home, he has to tell his wife. “Darling, when I don’t come back by 7 p.m. check the mortuary
The drug trade in Columbia has made journalism a profession not worth practising. If you write on cocaine and the harm it is inflicting on society, you’ll certainly receive a phone call.
“Hello, Mr Journalist, your article yesterday was great. Congratulations! We never knew you were such brilliant writer, championing the cause of society. Again we say congrats! But you know something, by your article, you want to take the bread out of my and that of my family. You don’t want us to beak. We are aggrieved beyond measure”
“Oh, I was just… “You’d try to say something
“You don’t have to explain. The harm has already been done by your award-winning masterpiece. We have an appointment with you. You’ll hear from us.
Rest In Peace!” After such a phone call, you just have to pray to your soul, sing a hymn or two and get prepared fort appointment with death. For, death will surely come
I think pressmen in Sikaman would also have start informing their families appropriately before leaving for work now. “If I don’t come back early, I’m probably at the Ear, Nose and Throat Department of Korle- Bu checking a leakage in my left ear due to a gendarme slap from an AMA official. If you don’t see me there, track me down to the emergency ward. If you see a newly-made cripple, I’m the one”
What about referees? These days they are guarded during football matches so that the risk they bear in terms of lost teeth is minimal. Formerly, it used to be a job full of woes and tribulations.
You were expected to oversee a match in such way that would favour a particular team. If that is not done, you’ll get back home and your wife will not recognise you. She’ll mistake you for Frank Bruno who had just lost a bout. When she finally recognises you, she’ll fix some hot water to massage your poor face.
I hear that these days, apart from the protection referees receive, some are well-armed with Damfo Dzai, a kind of jack-knife that can carve a rowdy supporters face in several designs.
My Press Secretary and part-time bodyguard Devine Ankamah, was telling me if he happens to be a referee, he’d surely carry a Kalashnikov AK 47 rifle with him, complete with loaded magazine, before officiating matches. According to him, that is the only way to do the job without fear or favour. Anyone dares will lose his jaw.
Anyway, risky jobs require good remuneration. As Kwame Korkorti once said, risky jobs require risky salary. A policeman would require a good pay so that when a criminal targets his left ear it would be worth the ‘amputation’. Same for journalists and cameramen.
But go round private workplaces and factories and you’d see really risky occupations where workers are receiving salaries they can’t see with the naked eye.
In fact, in some private workplaces, environmental safety is completely absent. Workers breathe in fumes, poisonous gases and risk lung and respiratory problems. Their employers do nothing about protecting them against these hazards. Check out their payer.
In other places, workers have their fingers chopped off on the job, some losing as many as four fingers in stretch. The compensation they get can best be described as “wicked”. Their employers live big, chop big, ride big but are not willing to pay more than ¢120,000 for lost fingers.
Actually the more fingers you lose, the more money you get. So if you intend losing your fingers on the job, it is advisable to lose as many as possible so that you can get more cash. Those who have lost one finger have not benefited much and are encouraged to lose more next time around.
Sikaman Palava is undertaking to investigate some of these cases of very risky jobs in private setups and companies where workers are being exploited to unnecessarily but not offered protection against health hazards, and not properly compensated when they sustain injuries.
This article was first published on Saturday, September 28, 1996
Features
Position yourself for God’s blessings
Motivated by the impending 40-day fasting and needless to add prayer programme, preceding the Greater Works Conference scheduled for August in Accra, I would like to draw attention to how believers can receive blessings from God.
There is a scripture in Hebrews 11:5 that “By faith Enoch was translated that he should not see death; and was not found, because God had translated him: and before his translation, he had this testimony that he pleased God”.
This clearly shows that in order to receive blessings from God, you must please God. How can one please God? You can only please God by obeying him and walking in line with God’s word. Just like how children who obey their parents, enjoy special treatment, so does God deal with his children who obey his word.
There are ways by which people receive blessings from God and holiness is an important criteria in the whole equation. Holiness is a process and not a one day event.
It is a mindset borne out of walking in obedience to God’s instructions i.e. his word. In order to have a mindset of living to please God, requires studying God’s word coupled with praying and fasting.
This helps us to develop trust in God by knowing his nature, what he likes and dislikes. This is what will enable us to live to please him and for our faith in him also to increase.
The Bible says in Hebrews 11:6 that “But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him”
Fasting is one of the required criteria for blessings to be released and it goes with prayer because fasting without prayer is just a physical exercise. Fasting enables a person’s inner man to be in tune with the spirit of God and also becomes spiritually empowered to hear from God and also obey God.
Fasting enables a person’s spirit to feed on God’s word in a much more focused manner as compared to studying God’s word in normal times. As a result our spirit gains the upper hand to dominate the body and the soul, so that we are more conscious of the presence of God in our lives which causes us willingly the desire to live to obey God.
Holiness which is a prerequisite for pleasing God, can only manifest in our lives if we are able to overcome the desires of the flesh and this only happens when the flesh is subject to the spirit.
Apostle Paul said that “But l keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means when I have preached to others, I myself should not be castaway”, according to 1 Corinthians 9:27.
In order to bring the body or flesh into subjection so that believers will be able to live to please God, we have to study, God’s word in a certain state of mind which fasting and prayer appropriately provides.
Our minds are the battle grounds for decisions that either please God or the Devil. In order to please God so his blessings can be released upon our lives, we must continuously engage our minds with thoughts that is in line with God’s word.
Philippians 4:8 says that “Finally Brethren whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things”. May God help us to live to please him by meditating on things that please the Lord, so we shall be blessed in all aspects of our lives. God bless.
NB: ‘CHANGE KOTOKA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT TO KOFI BAAKO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT’
By Laud Kissi-Mensah
