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You may now kiss the bride

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• A bride and groom

CHRISTIANS have still not been able to say which is the greater sin -to have two wives or have one wife and take a girlfriend.

Sikaman Palava
Sikaman Palava

Moslems have long resolved that issue. They see marriage to two, three or four women as perfectly legal. There is, however, no room for girlfriends and concubines. The Sharia particularly is allergic to ‘non-sense’.

The Christian man cherishes marriage and in Sikaman, he goes through an elaborate ceremony called engagement, quite a boring procedure, especially if you have something else to do, like drinking chilled beer.

However, that is even preceded by what is known as ‘knocking’. You must knock on the door of your prospective in-laws, not with your hands or bare knuckles, but with alcoholic drinks, preferably akpeteshie also known as kele or sodabi.

Sometimes the local drink is promptly rejected by the father-in-law on grounds that he had seen the Holy Spirit in his dreams and therefore has nothing to do with ogogoro whose alcoholic percentage tips the scale at ‘55 per cent proof.’

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Ability

He would require the prospective groom and his father to repent of their sins and bring more sobering drinks, the type that will not interfere with his ability to speak in tongues. In short, he does not want to compromise his religious piety with alcoholic in-discretion and anger the Holy Ghost.

“If you can’t return home to get the soft drinks, you can exchange it with cash,” the father-in-law will announce finally. “But make sure you do the calculation well; and remember you are not buying from a duty-free shop.” It is a reminder that only a handsome sum can be acceptable.

The knocking is a simple ceremony. The groom, however, sees it as a bother. The whiteman doesn’t go through all this! So what is the big deal?

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The engagement is next! And the mother-in-law will also insist on a grand wedding. And since the wedding cannot be held before the engagement, the groom is presented with an engagement list that makes him feel very dizzy. He will groan to himself. Who at all has asked him to go after this girl?

Well, the engagement comes off and then the wedding time arrives. The bride is excited beyond words. The groom is sad-faced. The expenses he has made so far nags his conscience, Is it worth the bride?

Bonafide

In fact, if the woman misbehaved after everything, she’ll be sorry. The bride must know she is a bought commodity, acquired merchandise; in short, she is a bonafide property, not her to be. So she must behave herself. Wallahi!

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The wedding is super and the honeymoon is said to be taking place in Las Palmas or Edinburgh, Scotland, although the couple are holed up in a tiny hotel at Kokomlenle where you can find them committing a legal sin. Their fornication is now legal, legitimate, permissible, certified and gazetted. There is no limit to the number of rounds so long as the groom is up to the game and doesn’t collapse midstream.

After a hectic honeymoon, the couple emerge from their hide-out and tell fanciful stories about Las Palmas when they should be talking about Kokomlemle.

It is when they get under one roof and live as man and wife that the acid test of cohabitation begins registering. The woman will start asking herself whether this is really the man she had known a few years back. The husband would also wonder if they had given him a different bride. Perhaps Leah instead of Rachel?

The problem with marriage is that it promptly loses the magic associated with courtship once it is consummated. And when the babies start coming, the man might decide that he needs a part-time wife to gratify his basic sexual needs. So he goes sniffing like a he-goat.

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Wives always have a sixth sense. When a husband goes skirt-chasing, they know by instinct. Some men are also so stupid as to reveal it all, with lipstick marks all over their white shirts and several packs of condoms in every pocket. The woman will start nagging.

The man goes drinking and comes home late. The woman may start getting arrogant, making friends who advise her to stand up to her own. She will not submit to the husband. She is shabby and cheerless. The once smiling beauty is permanently frowning. She is aggrieved over “slim” chopmoney.

The palavers of marriage are many and diverse. The end result is always disastrous – separation and divorce. It doesn’t matter the length of time the couple underwent marriage counselling. If they do not reason together and understand each other’s needs, the marriage will head for the rocks.

Marriages

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One-third of Ghanaian marriages do not go beyond ten years. That is commendable when we compare this to what happens in Europe and America. About two-thirds of their marriages collapse within 10 years.

Should pastors continue with counselling once in a month forever after marriage? Should we have renewable (contract) marriages that can be renewed every two years? Or should we not marry at all?

This article was first published on Saturday January 28, 2006

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International character of Ghanaman and more

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Ghanaians can be found in every part of the world

The average modern Gold Coaster born and bred in Sikaman is an adventurous creature. Go to any part of the world and you’ll find Ghanaman diligently slugging it out either in the snow or in hot sweltering weather, earning a decent living.

Go to Guinea and see Ghanaman in the garb of a herbalist, curing the sick of various ailments. He makes the Guinean understand that not all diseases are caused by James Lucifer alias Jimmy Satan. On the contrary, most diseases are caused by kooko which can even attack the human nose and turn it upside down.

That kooko is also the cause of poverty and the internal bleeding of personal back-pocket economies. And that kooko can be cured using the chemistry underlying Sikaman herbal medicine which has been blessed by the gods of Larteh.

And before Ghanaman starts dispensing his herbal concoctions, he must attract the passing crowd with some Sıkaman-originated choreography, akin to a combination of adowa and agbadza, such that the dancer can easily dislocate a shoulder and start crying for his mother.

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When the crowd is enough to form a quorum, Ghanaman must perform magic as a side-attraction, and proceed to sell his drugs. The drugs are genuinely made from potent herbs which the Pharmacy Board of Sikaman says it has no confidence in. Believe me, Ghanaian herbalists are practising in neighbouring countries like Guinea, Cote d’Ivoire, Sierra Leone and Benin, while we are discouraging them from practising in Sikaman.

Go to Las Palmas and see Ghanaman as a fisherman. He sails on Korean-owned boats and is forced to eat garlic and raw tuna for radiant health. The garlic is also supposed to protect him against witches. But sometimes, he is not good bedfellows with some Korean crew members, and once in a while a fight breaks out.

The typical Korean is a Kung Fu expert and before displaying a golden dragon data. He must first terrify Ghanaman with a Korean dance which consists of wild arms and leg throwing. But Ghanaman is usually not daunted. Why has he been eating cancer kenkey all years without developing cancer? It mean is a superhuman capable of countering Kun fu side-kicks to the ribs.

Anyhow Ghanaman’s most potent arsenal lies in his fists. If he is a southpaw, it mean left fist is probably insured and can cause damage. When Ghanaman lands a cassava blow and it lands on a Korean chest, it has the effect of a cruise missile. If there is no ceasefire a funeral cannot be ruled out.

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Greenland

Go to Alaska and find Ghanaman there. Greenland, Iceland, Brazil, Argentina, Madagascar, everywhere and you’ll find him. He has become an international citizen and is generally lauded for his hardwork, sincerity and honesty.

However, some bad nuts are also condemned and despised.

The world and all its parts and corners are for the human race, and anyone can choose to live anywhere and earn a decent living so long as he doesn’t misconduct himself or become a social misfit and a law unto himself.

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Sıkaman for instance accepts foreigners, and we are so liberal that people just come in through our borders and we welcome them with the best palmwine in town and goat light soup. Who cares about passports and visas? Our hospitality is, as it were legendary.

So we have Liberians, Nigerians, Sierra Leoneans, Togolese, Europeans, Americans, Scandinavians and Koreans in Sikaman.  And some of them have misinterpreted our overzealous accommodation to mean “foolishness” and are misconducting themselves.

The newspapers carry stories of some unscrupulous Nigerians stealing, defrauding and collaborating with their Sikaman counterparts to rob people. You’ll find some good and law-abiding Liberians around but some other Liberians are in the business of fraud, robbery, money printing, money doubling, anything criminal.

Ghanaian hospitality can no longer be extended to such people. I do not think Ghanaians will be treated kindly either, when they misbehave anywhere in the world. Those who come from outside with the intention of bringing down their evil deeds and to practise them here professionally must be getting ready because Ghanaians are getting fed up with the menace.

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These days, you’ll find strange people following you as soon as you emerge from a bank. If you are not careful, they’ll wrestle your briefcase from you and speed away in a waiting taxi.

Someone was just saying that many foreign criminals are flocking to Ghana because in their countries, they are enable to operate either because they are being looked for by the police for offences committed or fear instant justice at the hands of mobs. Ghanaians, it is said, are humanitarian in dealing with criminals.

Well, in some African countries, a thief who is being chased runs directly to the police station in his own interest and begs the officer at the counter to lock him up. Otherwise he’ll be lynched or be burnt to death. In Ghana, it is the opposite. The thieves run far away from the cop stations.

The criminals must reform and stay peacefully in Sikaman or quit. No court case!

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This article was first published on Saturday September 5, 1998

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The architecture of existence: How we live and die

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​The human condition is defined by two absolute, biological bookends: the commencement of complex cellular animation and its ultimate, irreversible cessation.

For centuries, medicine treated life and death as strictly separate states. Today, modern pathology and molecular biology reveal a more profound truth: the mechanisms that allow us to live are the exact same mechanisms that dictate how we die.

​Understanding this relationship is no longer just a philosophical pursuit. It is a clinical necessity for managing public health in the 21st century.

Part I: How we live – The mechanics of animation

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​At its core, biological life is a continuous, high-stakes battle against entropy (the natural tendency of systems to degrade into disorder). To maintain form, consciousness, and function, the human body relies on three fundamental pillars:

1. Cellular respiration and energy production

​Every second of human life is powered by the conversion of oxygen and glucose into Adenosine Triphosphate (ATP), the universal energy currency of our cells. This process occurs within the mitochondria.

Without a constant supply of ATP, the microscopic pumps that maintain electrical gradients across our cell membranes fail, causing cellular collapse within minutes.

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2. Homeostasis: The balancing act

​To survive, the internal environment of the body must remain incredibly stable, regardless of external chaos. This balancing act, known as homeostasis, regulates:

​Blood pH: Strictly maintained between 7.35 and 7.45.

​Core Temperature: Ideally kept around 37°C (98.6°F).

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​Electrolyte Balance: Precise ratios of sodium, potassium, and calcium that allow nerves to fire and muscles to contract.

​3. The Autonomic Nervous System (ANS)

​The ANS acts as the invisible conductor of life, split into two complementary branches:

Part II: How we die – The path of cessation

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​Death is rarely a singular event; it is a progressive biological cascade. Whether caused by old age, chronic illness, or sudden trauma, the final pathways of mortality generally follow a predictable trajectory.

​1. The cellular horizon: Senescence and Apoptosis

​Every time a human cell divides, the protective caps at the ends of its chromosomes-telomeres-shorten. Eventually, telomeres become so depleted that the cell can no longer divide safely. It enters senescence (a state of permanent arrest) or triggers apoptosis (programmed cell death). This gradual, systemic loss of cellular renewal is the underlying engine of aging.

​2. The clinical cascade of somatic death

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​When the body can no longer maintain homeostasis, somatic death (the death of the organism as a whole) begins. This occurs in a distinct sequence:

1

Clinical Death

Zero to four minutes

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The heart stops pumping blood, and respiration ceases. While breathing and circulation have ended, the body’s tissues still contain residual oxygen and cellular energy reserves. At this stage, resuscitation is often still possible.

2

Brain Death (Infarction)

Four to six minutes

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Deprived of fresh oxygenated blood, the brain’s highly sensitive neurons begin to starve. Lacking ATP, the brain cells lose their electrical charge, swell, and begin to burst. Permanent, irreversible neurological damage occurs within minutes.

3

Biological Death

Hours to days

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The organs fail entirely. Without central control or blood flow, individual cells throughout the body consume their final energy reserves. Enzymes that once aided digestion begin to break down the body’s own tissues from the inside out, a process known as autolysis.

Part III: The modern collision of life and death

​In the modern era, the boundary between how we live and how we die has blurred. Historically, humanity died primarily from infectious diseases and acute trauma. Today, global mortality is dominated by non-communicable, chronic lifestyle diseases.

Modern Pathology: How we live (the cause) how we die (the result)

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Cardiovascular disease, chronic stress, poor diet, and lack of sleep keep the sympathetic nervous system hyper-activated, damaging blood vessels .Occlusion of coronary arteries leads to myocardial infarction (heart attack) or ischemic stroke.

Metabolic syndrome over nutrition and physical inactivity overwhelm cellular mitochondria, leading to systemic insulin resistance. Multi-organ failure, chronic kidney disease, and severe vascular complications.

Neurodegenerative Disorders Chronic systemic inflammation and sleep deprivation prevent the brain from clearing metabolic waste. Gradual loss of synaptic connections, leading to dementia and the eventual loss of basic autonomic functions.

Conclusion: The unified theory of health

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​Ultimately, how we live directly shapes the path of how we die. The micro-choices of daily existence-how we manage emotional stress, the quality of our rest, our communal connections, and our nutrition-either preserve the integrity of our homeostatic systems or accelerate their decline.

​True medical advancement is shifting away from merely extending the final, frail stages of biological death. Instead, the focus is turning toward optimising our living years-ensuring that the intricate, beautiful machinery of human animation runs smoothly until its natural, quiet conclusion.

By Robert Ekow Grimmond-Thompson

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