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You may now kiss the bride

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• A bride and groom

CHRISTIANS have still not been able to say which is the greater sin -to have two wives or have one wife and take a girlfriend.

Sikaman Palava
Sikaman Palava

Moslems have long resolved that issue. They see marriage to two, three or four women as perfectly legal. There is, however, no room for girlfriends and concubines. The Sharia particularly is allergic to ‘non-sense’.

The Christian man cherishes marriage and in Sikaman, he goes through an elaborate ceremony called engagement, quite a boring procedure, especially if you have something else to do, like drinking chilled beer.

However, that is even preceded by what is known as ‘knocking’. You must knock on the door of your prospective in-laws, not with your hands or bare knuckles, but with alcoholic drinks, preferably akpeteshie also known as kele or sodabi.

Sometimes the local drink is promptly rejected by the father-in-law on grounds that he had seen the Holy Spirit in his dreams and therefore has nothing to do with ogogoro whose alcoholic percentage tips the scale at ‘55 per cent proof.’

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Ability

He would require the prospective groom and his father to repent of their sins and bring more sobering drinks, the type that will not interfere with his ability to speak in tongues. In short, he does not want to compromise his religious piety with alcoholic in-discretion and anger the Holy Ghost.

“If you can’t return home to get the soft drinks, you can exchange it with cash,” the father-in-law will announce finally. “But make sure you do the calculation well; and remember you are not buying from a duty-free shop.” It is a reminder that only a handsome sum can be acceptable.

The knocking is a simple ceremony. The groom, however, sees it as a bother. The whiteman doesn’t go through all this! So what is the big deal?

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The engagement is next! And the mother-in-law will also insist on a grand wedding. And since the wedding cannot be held before the engagement, the groom is presented with an engagement list that makes him feel very dizzy. He will groan to himself. Who at all has asked him to go after this girl?

Well, the engagement comes off and then the wedding time arrives. The bride is excited beyond words. The groom is sad-faced. The expenses he has made so far nags his conscience, Is it worth the bride?

Bonafide

In fact, if the woman misbehaved after everything, she’ll be sorry. The bride must know she is a bought commodity, acquired merchandise; in short, she is a bonafide property, not her to be. So she must behave herself. Wallahi!

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The wedding is super and the honeymoon is said to be taking place in Las Palmas or Edinburgh, Scotland, although the couple are holed up in a tiny hotel at Kokomlenle where you can find them committing a legal sin. Their fornication is now legal, legitimate, permissible, certified and gazetted. There is no limit to the number of rounds so long as the groom is up to the game and doesn’t collapse midstream.

After a hectic honeymoon, the couple emerge from their hide-out and tell fanciful stories about Las Palmas when they should be talking about Kokomlemle.

It is when they get under one roof and live as man and wife that the acid test of cohabitation begins registering. The woman will start asking herself whether this is really the man she had known a few years back. The husband would also wonder if they had given him a different bride. Perhaps Leah instead of Rachel?

The problem with marriage is that it promptly loses the magic associated with courtship once it is consummated. And when the babies start coming, the man might decide that he needs a part-time wife to gratify his basic sexual needs. So he goes sniffing like a he-goat.

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Wives always have a sixth sense. When a husband goes skirt-chasing, they know by instinct. Some men are also so stupid as to reveal it all, with lipstick marks all over their white shirts and several packs of condoms in every pocket. The woman will start nagging.

The man goes drinking and comes home late. The woman may start getting arrogant, making friends who advise her to stand up to her own. She will not submit to the husband. She is shabby and cheerless. The once smiling beauty is permanently frowning. She is aggrieved over “slim” chopmoney.

The palavers of marriage are many and diverse. The end result is always disastrous – separation and divorce. It doesn’t matter the length of time the couple underwent marriage counselling. If they do not reason together and understand each other’s needs, the marriage will head for the rocks.

Marriages

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One-third of Ghanaian marriages do not go beyond ten years. That is commendable when we compare this to what happens in Europe and America. About two-thirds of their marriages collapse within 10 years.

Should pastors continue with counselling once in a month forever after marriage? Should we have renewable (contract) marriages that can be renewed every two years? Or should we not marry at all?

This article was first published on Saturday January 28, 2006

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Cry my beloved Ghana

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Someone said, if we cannot plan for an occurrence as predictable as the annual rains, then what else can we plan for as a country?  God has caused nature to schedule rains for specific periods or months within the year and everybody knows this. 

One need not be a meteorologist to tell that the rains will fall in May and June every year.  Any serious person who has something that the rains can affect, would therefore plan taking into consideration the likelihood of the rains falling.  Therefore to find out that a whole country like ours, had not planned effectively, is mind-boggling. 

The report by the World Bank that fiscal policy measures by the Finance Minister has led to no money being released for the World Bank sponsored project to deal with the perennial flooding situation in Accra, is so disappointing.  The fact that this contributed immensely to the flooding in Accra, is an understatement.

There have been fires in our markets, but who is checking the wiring on a regular basis as a system designed to prevent future outbreaks?  The occurrence of fires in our markets is something that must engage the attention of government and all the stakeholders.

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The causes may be several but if a system of proper fire prevention is in place, l believe the number of occurrences will be drastically minimised.  Electrical wiring for instance has been found to be one of the causes of market fires.  Fire as we know from the experts, can only happen if these three things are present, namely source of heat, combustible material and oxygen i.e. air. 

lf any one of these is missing, there will be no fire.  It has been realised that heat generated in wires have caused fires in the past and therefore, an effective system must be put in place to ensure that, only certain approved qualified electricians, can execute wiring jobs in our markets instead of the current situation where different electricians execute wiring with different types of wires, of different quality, dimensions etc. 

Preventive inspections schedule must also be put in place to endure compliance with uniform wiring standard, as well as adherence to expiry dates of the wires.

What baffles me is why some MCEs and DCEs are still at post while things are deteriorating in their areas of influence and yet the President or the Minister for Local Government seems to be unwilling to relieve them of their positions.  People have lost their lives, official count is about 37 lives, properties worth millions of Ghana Cedis have been destroyed, people’s livelihoods have been destroyed and they are at ground zero.

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We can go on and on and on about the devastating impact of the recent floods.  Suddenly, we have these local authority heads, all over the place, demolishing buildings after the flood.  Is this not insanity?  Where were the LUPSA Engineers who issue permits at the local assemblies? 

If they were doing their jobs, for which they are paid every month, they would have seen people constructing structures at Ramseyer sites.  They would have seen people putting up structures very close to the bank of streams or rivers and could have enforced the regulations, which could have averted the level of impact on lives and property.

One particular issue which drives me crazy is the Kasoa to Mallam Junction stretch of the N1.  The traffic jam between West Hills Mall and Weija Junction is due to the flooding of a place called Ataala.  Anytime it rains heavily, the area floods and vehicles moving from West Hills towards Weija cannot use their normal lane but are forced to switch to the inner lane of those headed towards West Hills Mall from Weija and it did not start yesterday.  I am so, so disappointed. God Bless.

By Laud Kissi-Mensah

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The palaver of daily chop money

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The romance between man and wife ends where chopmoney palaver begins. When the man is leaving for work and the woman’s face looks like a rainy day, anyone can guess that the chop money delivered is quite below sea level.

But when she smiles too broadly for comfort and waves her husband goodbye zealously, it means the man did not only perform well under the cover of darkness but also dished out the correct amount of chop money.

The typical matrimonial home is a complex one. Many factors contribute to fuelling or preventing occasional civil wars. When Pyram became a household word, some husbands and wives put heads together, went borrowing, sold their belongings and invested in the sham scheme.

When Pyram collapsed, many marriages got shattered beyond repair. Wives blamed their husbands and husbands complained about nagging wives. In a few instances, punches were traded. Crises could not be managed as debts soared and creditors wanted back their money.

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Chop money grew slim. Only Mr Kofi Annan could negotiate a truce between warring partners as daggers were drawn. The Pyram palaver brought more woes to Sikaman than the joy it was supposed to bring.

Many women have died from distress and frustration. All their resources which were joyfully invested in the scheme cannot be retrieved.

“Today, the Government says it cannot use taxpayers’ money to pay those who lost various sums of money to the two money-doubling banks Pyram and Resource 5000 Ltd. “We told you not to take your monies there and you didn’t listen. Paddle your own canoe, or canoe your own paddle,’ says the Sikaman government.”

The chop money palaver in Sikaman is getting heady. People are citing chop money problems for their offences. The newspapers report of a man who allegedly injected his three-week-old daughter with DDT because the wife was disturbing him with chop money matters too much. He is being tried by the courts.

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Some women claim they abandoned their babies because their fathers refused to offer chop money. So when they dump the babies in the latrine, they are relieved of any burden. Looks like maternal instincts are withering out of mothers. These are indeed times when mothers no longer love their children because of chop money palaver.

Stomach capacity

The amount of chop money a father gives out each day, week or month depends on the family size and the stomach capacity of each family stomach. Members of some families are very light eaters and little is spent on food. But for other families where some members have ‘double chambers’ the food budget requires additional funds.

Indeed, in some families, members have natural appetite for food whether or not they take peters (bitters). And when food isn’t enough, there can be an uprising against constituted domestic authority, the family equivalent of the Guinea Bissau rebellion.

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Yes, where one person can eat four balls of kenkey and cry for more, but is given only two balls, he can get angry and start breaking louvres.

The chop money size also depends on the level of nutrition typical of each family. Some families believe in the third world theory that QUANTITY is better than QUALITY. The bigger the banku and the smaller the fish, all the better for Ghanaians. Yes quantity, not quality. Such families stock maize in bags.

Those who believe in quality spend much on vegetables, meat and fish and therefore spend more, but it is worth it because they are healthier and stronger. They also spend on fruits and are averse to the “quantity supremacy” theory.

The problem with chop money issues is that when the correct amount is not flowing, the women think the men are misapplying their salaries in overt pleasures. They accuse their husbands of drinking too much bitters and burukutu, and they can prove the accusation using a formula. They only have to smell the breath of their partners. The fuse can be great!

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One woman told her neighbour when her husband comes back home drunk, he behaves like a walking distillery, swaggering like a drunken sailor. You’d think he has been baptised with raw akpeteshie or immersed in the stuff. Her only compliment was that in spite of his alcoholic status, the guy could perform. That is Viagra or no Viagra.

Women also accuse men of chasing other women in the same manner as a he-goat does. Half their salaries cannot be accounted for as a result, they claim. So when the chop money isn’t at least at sea-level, they must protest either noisily or stage a sit-down strike.

Domestic sit-down strikes by wives can cause problems. When a man takes full quarter and is expecting a wonderful dinner with soup and its accompaniments and comes to meet an empty table and a brooding woman, he can go berserk. The clash can be worse than a plane crash.

As it were, it all requires patience to make a marriage last, chop money or not.

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This article was first published on Saturday, July 11, 1998

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