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INFERTILITY STIGMA, A SILENT KILLER
August 29, 2015 was a joyous day for me, I happily got married. Yes! It was my wedding day with all the glitz, fun and merry. During the ceremony a prayer was said for me for the fruit of the womb.
When it was time for the picture session, a woman whispered to me and said, “Agnes, you are not done yet, make sure a year by now, we attend your baby christening, do you hear me,”
At least this woman should allow me to enjoy the moment of the ceremony without any interference.
So right from the church auditorium pressure started to mount on me. Fast forward, after a year, no sign of pregnancy.
Almost all my friends who got married in 2015 had their babies christening the following year. This reminded me of what the lady whispered on my wedding day. During a church revival, the pastor called women who were married but had no children to approach him for divine intervention.
As a believer I hurriedly got up, there were other women who joined me because they had similar issue (infertile). The man of God prayed for us. My husband and I later decided to seek medical help which we did.
To my surprise in 2017 January I discovered I was pregnant! Oh My God! No words could describe how happy my husband and I were. Because this was a sign of relief from all the hustles and difficulty in explaining to people who kept on asking me, when I was going to have children.
There were those who told me I was aging, therefore needed to give birth and others who advised me to consult a herbalist or a prophet who could fast track things in helping me to conceive.
In my first trimester, I lost the pregnancy, a scan at a hospital showed that I had lost the pregnancy. My world came crushing down, how do I face and answer these people who have been asking me all sort of questions.
In that same year, I lost another pregnancy and I would never forget the anguish.
One afternoon as I went to the canteen for lunch a colleague at office drew a chair and sat beside me. She murmured “Agnes what are you doing, its been some years since you got married, are you not ready to conceive?”.
This colleague did not consider the fact that we were in a public place, therefore someone could hear what she asked. I lost appetite, I just gave her a smile ,got up and left the scene.
At a point in my life, I lost interest in attending social gatherings just to avoid being questioned. Yes! I was tired of being reminded I need to have my own babies. Fed-up of being directed to see herbalists. Tired of being prayed for during church revivals. I kept questioning myself whether being a woman is a mistake, or a crime.
Last year which was my fourth wedding anniversary marked the turning point in my life. I was finally blessed with a bouncy baby girl. On January 18, 2020 at a family gathering, I was told to have a second child, meanwhile my daughter is only 7 months old. Another pressure has set in, but I would not allow anyone to frustrate me. At my own pace I would decide when the next child would arrive. Say no to infertility stigma now.
It sad to note that most couple especially women are under pressure due such problem in marriage which has resulted in many breakdown of marriages.
Have individuals, society and the world at large thought about how such women feel whenever they are questioned or ridiculed on their infertility status?
My husband stood by me and advised that I pay no attention to such people during such trying times. Society has forgotten that “It takes Two to Tango” therefore it is not the sole responsibility of a woman to get pregnant.
Speaking to Dr Hope Quashie Mensah, Gynecologist at the 37 Military Hospital advised women facing infertility not to resort to herbal medicine but to see a doctor for investigation, adding that infertility could be treated.
According to him, some women resort to herbal concoction which leads to serious health implication and end up damaging their kidneys just because they want children and their peace of mind.
“You do not have to kill yourself because you think you cannot have children, there is hope in every situation, do not accept the pressure from society but keep on seeing your health professionals and with God all things are possible,” he said
In our Africansociety we have attached too much importance on children in marriage that, every couple is expected to have children by all means. But elsewhere, people marry and they decide whether to have children or not.
Here, normally the pressure from in-laws is usually mounted on the womanas it mostly assumed that it’s the sole responsibility of the woman to produce children.
When people marry within the first three months with continuoussexual intercourse then couples should be able to expect their first child that is if there is no reproductive health problem with any of them.
Dr Mensah said, research indicates that 60 per cent of infertility cases are due to male infertility and not only women were the cause, “In fact it is never so, we have noticed that most of the infertility issues are men factors, up to 60 per cent men,”
Being a victim of infertility stigma I think it is time the world take up the challenge, break infertility stigma and help couples who are struggling with infertility issues.
Training programs on infertility should be championed by leaders in the society to educate members especially men, that infertility issues are not only women related. Also to encourage women not to accept the fact that they could not conceive but boldly say no to infertility stigma that has become a canker.
As women, let us support our fellow women who might be going through infertility issues, because most of the infertility stigma are perpetuated by women. Women ridicule their own sisters, aunties, sister in laws for not being able to conceive.
Religious leaders should also know that not all infertility cases are spiritual, therefore the need to advise infertile couples to seek medical attention. Husbands should not join others to ridicule their wives but rather support them to overcome the situation. Family members should all support the call against infertility stigma. Couples with such issues should seek early medical treatment or advice. Government should also roll outprogrammes and interventions that would educate and deal with infertility related issues particularly in reducing the high cost of treatment.
Media organisations should sieve advertisements that project herbal concoctions which claim to cure infertility. Infertility stigma is so painful that it kills ones soul, body and mind silently. Infertility stigma is a silent killer, therefore let us join hands in fighting it.
By AGNES OPOKU SARPONG
THE state of feeling rejected, could be a terrifying experience especially for those who have become used to fame. If not properly addressed, it could lead to depression and the consequences, could be disastrous.
When you are on top of your game in whatever profession you find yourself such that you become famous, a lot of people try to associate with you. The phone never ceases to ring and one is tempted to feel loved and very important.
When a disaster strikes and the fame or the money which was the source of the attraction fades away, the circle of friends and fans begin to shrink and the phone will start to stop ringing until the call stops voting completely.
You will be shocked at how people you considered friends, will no longer be calling you or pay casual visits as they used to. You will begin to notice that messages you leave after calling them and not getting a response are not replied to and that is when you begin to know who your true friends are.
One of the most popular movie stars was an actress called Sharon Stone. In an interview with one of the media houses that was published, she spoke about how people who should have come around to encourage her in her moment of depression, shunned her. The calls stopped coming.
This is what the Bible admonishes that the arm of flesh will fail you and therefore we should put our trust in God. It could be a very frightening experience and can easily lead to depression.
Human nature being what it is, people will want to get close if things are okay. Everybody wants to associate themselves with interesting things, famous people, rich people etc for mainly selfish reasons.
We need to develop the habit of putting our trust in God and relying less on human beings. The lesson we have to take along in life is that, no one marries his or her enemy so how come people who took vows that they will love each other become so hostile to each other that they want to go their separate ways in life? Such is the reality of life.
It is therefore prudent for people to recognise that, life is full of uncertainties and so there is the need to prepare your mind for uncertainties so that when they occur, they do not disorganise your mental sanity.
A lot of people have experienced situations where people who they could have sworn will never betray their trust have disappointed them when they were through challenging moments.
If there is one thing famous people should desire, it should be the ability to identify who are true friends are. Countless stories abound regarding incidence of celebrities who have lost their shine and their wives divorcing them soon after.
It is sometimes useful as a famous or rich person to sign a prenuptial agreement before marriage to safeguard or protect yourself from any future unpleasant surprises.
People can be very pretentious these days, it goes both ways. There is this real life story where a man married a divorced wealthy woman and convinced her to sell her house so they could build a new one together, with the excuse that people are gossiping that he is being housed by a woman.
The woman agreed and they put up a new building. After a few years the man asked for a divorce, only for the woman to realise that the land on which the building was situated, was bought in the man’s name.
This can drive a person insane, if you are not mentally tough and this happens to you. When people hear that you are homeless, a lot of your so-called friends will stop calling, so that you do not become a burden on them.
By Laud Kissi-Mensah
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‘But, er …. I don’t even know your name’.
‘Paul. Paul Allotey. I’m Sarah, by the way. Paul, why don’t you leave me here, since this is the last important thing I’m doing today’.
‘Okay. Now Sarah. I was just thinking. You will be here at the cafe for about an hour. By then it will be about twelve thirty. Then, you would be thinking of buying yourself some lunch, to eat here or to take home. So if you would please allow me, I will take you to one of the nicest eating places in town, and after you have sorted that one out, then I can drop you home. Just that one errand, then I won’t bother you again’.
‘You are not bothering me at all. You are being very kind to me. And I just realised you are a mind reader too. The last item on my agenda was lunch’.
‘I’m so glad I appeared at your doorstep, just in time’.
‘Okay. Now Paul, since you say the cafe is a comfortable place, let’s go in together, and you can do your work while I get my application done’.
‘Okay, Sarah. Thanks. Let’s go’.
We got back in the car at eleven forty-five.
‘So where are we going, Paul?’
‘To Royalty restaurant. It’s a twenty minute drive away’.
‘So, do you enjoy your job?’
‘Most certainly. I won’t change it, not even to be President. And am I right to say that you are preparing to enter the university?’
‘That’s my plan. I hope it works’.
‘It will, if you are determined, and disciplined. You look very much like a disciplined person’.
‘Thank you very much’.
We arrived at Royalty in twenty-five minutes, ‘You are joining me for lunch, Paul’.
‘Thanks for the honour, Sarah. But the bill is on me’.
‘Aren’t you taking on too much for one day?’
‘I never do anything that is bigger than me, Sarah’.
Over the next hour and a half, we discussed fashion, local and international politics, and sports, as we ate and relaxed. Finally, he drove me to the shop.
‘I will never forget you, Paul’.
‘I’m glad to have been helpful. But if you don’t mind, I’ll say it again, your husband is extremely lucky. You are really beautiful’.
‘Thanks again. But do you mind if I call you sometime in the future?’
‘Certainly not. Let me write it here. I will not ask for your number, for obvious reasons. But I will be looking forward to hearing from you. And hopefully, I will see you next month, when I call to drop your bill’.
‘Okay Paul. See you then’. What a lovely day, I said to myself as I opened the front door. I closed the shop and got home by seven. I went straight to the bedroom, stood in the mirror and took a good look at myself. ‘You are a very beautiful woman, Sarah. Never forget that’. I will not forget that, again.
Over the next several weeks, Martin and I had very little to do with each other. In the morning he ate his breakfast and after a shabby ‘I’m going’, he left. He came home around eight at the earliest, ate his dinner and, already soaked in beer, went off to sleep.
He spent the greater part of the weekends at the club house with his friends, playing tennis and partying. My mind was focused on furthering my education, so I didn’t complain to him, and didn’t bother to inform my parents about what was happening. I had decided that I would only take action if he lifted his hand against me again. I spent my free time reading all manner of interesting stuff on the internet, and chatting with my sister on WhatsApp.
One evening, he came home at about eight, rushed to the bedroom and rushed out. An envelope, obviously containing money, dropped out of his pocket, and I picked it up and followed him. I was going to call him and give it to him, but I noticed that there was a young woman in the car, so I went back in, counted it and put it in a drawer in the hall. He came back after some ten minutes.
‘Excuse me, I dropped an envelope containing money. You must have seen it’.
‘Yes, I saw it. Actually, I followed you, and was about to call you and hand it over to you when I realised that there was a woman in the car, so I came back in. I counted it. One thousand cedis.
‘Well let me have it. I have to be going’.
‘I will let you have it if you will tell me who the woman in the car is, and why you are going to give her that amount of money’.
‘Listen, if you waste my time, I will teach you a lesson you will never forget. Give me the money now!’
‘Here’s what we will do, Martin. I know you will give money to her anyway, so I will give it to you, if you will withdraw the threat you just issued. But I want you to know that I will be taking some steps from tomorrow. Things are getting out of hand’.
‘Okay, I’m sorry I threatened you. Can you please give me the money’. I handed it over to him, and he ran out’.
The following morning, I waited for him to finish having breakfast, and told him I wanted to have a word with him urgently.
‘You better be quick. You know I’m going to work’.
‘Well, I want to inform you that I will inform my parents, and your parents, about the situation in this house. As I said yesterday, things are getting out of hand. You spend most of your time drinking. You get drunk every evening, and through the weekend. And you are also spending your time and money on a prostitute’.
‘How dare you? One more stupid word from you …’
‘Am I lying, Martin? You have just started life, yet you are behaving like a rich, elderly man who has already seen his children through university, and can afford a life of fun. As I said, I’m going to inform our parents. Maybe your parents can straighten you out before it is too late’.
‘Look, we can talk this evening. It’s nothing like what you are saying’. He walked away, shocked.
That evening, I was expecting to have a meaningful discussion with him, but his mother called early in the evening to offer me some ‘advice’. Her son had called to say that certain developments at home were disturbing him so much that they were beginning to affect his work.
And, ‘as a loving mother to her daughter’, she was advising me to submit to my husband, and support him in prayer, and not ‘drive him from home’. Men would always be men, and she was telling me ‘from experience’ that no matter how much time Martin stayed away from home, he would always come home to me.
She had been a young wife before, so she understood the challenges I was facing. So I could be assured that if I followed her advice, all would be well. And, of course, she didn’t allow me to tell my side of the story.
Martin came home very late, and very drunk. And from the next morning, he carried on as before. With some hesitation, I called my dad and told him all that had gone on.
‘Well, my daughter. I’m not going to say “I told you so”. I was only trying to protect you. So here’s what we’ll do. Continue doing the best you can, and try not to give him any excuse to harm you, but if things continue to deteriorate, I will take you back.
A couple of days later, my cousin Dinah arrived in Accra from Brussels, having completed her medical course. With Martin’s agreement, I went to Koforidua and spent a couple of days. I spent most of the time chatting about her experiences in the US, but we also discussed my relationship with Martin, and she endorsed Dad’s decision to take action if Martin’s behaviour did not change after two weeks Elaine informed Mom and Dad. We endorsed Dad’s decision to take action if there was no change in two weeks.
Dinah returned with me to Takoradi. Her plan was to spend a couple of weeks, and return to Accra to be posted. I called Paul Allotey, and asked if he would meet her for lunch and, if possible, show her some interesting spots. Delighted, he suggested that we meet at Royalty the next day.
I told Martin about it, to remove any possibility of future disagreement over ‘going out with men’.
‘It’s fine with me’, he said, ‘if, of all the people who could show your sister round this town, you chose a borla man. Doesn’t that indicate the kind of person you are?’
‘ First of all, Martin’, I’ve spoken to him a few times, and he comes across as a decent guy, so I think it is rather unfortunate that you are writing him off when you don’t know him’.
By Ekow de Heer
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