Obaa Yaa
He keeps changing of late
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I have been married for 20 years and we have three children by the grace of God. My husband is pending retirement whilst l have a few years to serve.
I have realised of late that my husband gets highly provoked by the least issue and shouts at the top of his voice and no one can calm him down and everything comes to a standstill in the house. He hangs on such issues for hours or even days before his temper comes down.
He has planned to settle in his hometown when he retires from active service and he is insisting that the family follows him.
Unfortunately, l am managing a small business which helps me to supplement my salary for the upkeep of the family.
Looking at the way he has changed suddenly and his decision that we should settle at his hometown worries me. l will consider this decision a worry to me because it will affect my work and the little business l run.
I cannot proceed on voluntary retirement as this will pose a serious problem to the family.
What action should l take under the circumstance?
Abena, Cape Coast.
Dear Abena,
I commend you for the swift action you have taken in writing to this column for advice.
We thank God that the minor frictions and insults in the house had not degenerated into fights which could have produced grave consequences.
We have different characteristics, levels at which people comprehend issues and how others also respond to certain types of messages or pieces of information that concerns them.
Information about pending retirement sets people to think about their future since they will have to depend on a meagre monthly allowance.
This becomes an issue of concern if the one proceeding on retirement has no reliable investment to depend on.
I don’t know the sort of investment your husband has made and how prepared he is for this new way of life. That is why some institutions have planned series of programmes to condition the minds of their employees who are pending retirement.
I think he has been thinking about many things, especially levels he could not achieve during his active working period.
You have to explain to him.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I have lost one eye (the left one). I lost it due to marital quarrels but my parents still want me to return to the marriage. When I got married, I believed I was beginning a new, exciting chapter. Instead, I walked right into a furnace meant to ‘burn’ me.
The insults came first, then the beatings. I didn’t have to do anything big. I spat while he was eating. He shouted at me and asked if I didn’t have any decorum.
My third child was barely a year old when my husband threw me out of the house at dawn. What was my sin? I was sleeping too much while our baby disturbed him at night. He said I should be awake to put the baby to sleep.
It was around 1 a.m. I was too tired to do anything, but I tried my best and managed to find my way back to my parents’ house. I handed my baby to my mom, fell on a bed, and slept like I had just returned from war.
I didn’t have to tell them what had happened. They already knew. I was sent back home even before my husband came looking for me.
Then came the day that changed my life forever. The day my husband made me blind in one eye. What should do?
Efua, Takoradi.
Dear Efua,
To be sincere, you should not return to that marriage unless your safety can be guaranteed and there is clear evidence of change. Losing an eye as a result of domestic violence is not a minor marital dispute, rather, a serious act of abuse.
My heart breaks for you. No one deserves to be treated this way. Being insulted, beaten, thrown out of the house in the middle of the night with a baby, and ultimately losing an eye are clear signs of severe abuse.
Marriage is meant to provide love, respect, and protection, not fear and suffering. Parents may encourage reconciliation because they value family unity, but no tradition, culture, or family expectation should require a woman to return to a situation that has already caused permanent physical harm.
Your safety and wellbeing must come first. Seek support from trusted family members, counsellors, religious leaders, women’s rights organisations, and the appropriate authorities if necessary.
Before any discussion of reconciliation can take place, there must be accountability for the abuse, genuine repentance, and assurance that such violence will never happen again.
A woman who has lost an eye because of domestic violence should not be pressured to return to her abuser. She deserves safety, dignity, healing, and the opportunity to rebuild her life.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I am a woman in my mid-30s. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 14 years.
We have built a strong bond over the years, and despite everything, I still love him deeply.
However, our relationship hasn’t been perfect. Throughout the years, we have decided to try as much as possible to make it work.
A few months ago, he travelled to the Dubai. He recently confessed something that has completely surprised me.
He informed me that he had mistakenly gotten another woman pregnant. Despite everything, he wants to marry me and is making plans for me to join him abroad so we can settle down.
The situation has become even more complicated because the woman she has impregnated is also insisting she should marry her.
Yet he keeps assuring me that I am the woman he truly needs to spend his life with.
Parts of me wants to walk away after all the betrayals. Another part of me feels 14 years is hard work for me to let go. I can’t stop wondering if there are more of secrets he is hiding.
Baaba, Sunyani.
Dear Baaba,
If you have been with a man for 14 years and he has impregnated another woman, the decision about whether to let him go depends on more than just the pregnancy. Is your boyfriend remorseful of what he has taken you through?
A pregnancy creates a lifelong connection between him and the other woman because they will communicate for the sake of the child.
After 14 years, you deserve clarity and commitment. It may be worth asking whether staying is serving your happiness and self –respect.
Do not focus only on the fact that he impregnated another woman, but on what his actions over the years over the kind of partner he has been.
