Obaa Yaa
Can men be relied upon?
Dear ObaaYaa,
We grew up in the same vicinity, shared our aspirations and plans of the future together and got used to each other.
Being the first man in my life, l did all l could to demonstrate my genuine love for him and my willingness to be his wife eventually in holy matrimony. Out of love, l got pregnant on two occasions for him but he impressed on me to abort the pregnancy since it will put a lot of burden on both of us as a young couple.
Whenever l pledge my love for him, he would respond by saying that since l was created from one of his ribs, he would love me till death do us part. He further gave me the assurance that l would definitely form an integral part of his future and would do everything to love me just as l love him.
On occasions that l demanded he should officially come to see my parents and perform the preliminary knocking rites, he would brush the issue aside and give me the assurance that he would surely do that at the appropriate time.
But l was shocked to the marrow when a friend whispered into my ears that my lover was making plans to marry from a nearby town. This person wanted to find out if we had separated, a condition which has given him the opportunity to marry another person.
Though the person who had given him the information to me is respectable, and could not carry false information, l did not believe it because my lover will not treat me like that in view of the love between us and the assurances he had given me.
But l had the greatest shock of my life when my uncle came to confirm the story and blamed me for giving my whole life to this young man whom he described as ungrateful and very wicked.
His concern was that, having moved with him for all these years and what l had put in the relationship to work, there was no way he should treat me like a rag. It would have been worse if he had known that l had aborted two of his pregnancies.
I am totally devastated, confused and do not know what to do.
With this behaviour, can men be trusted?
Ama, Koforidua,
Dear Ama,
I can envisage the pain in your heart and how disorganised you must be under the circumstance.
I am pretty sure you must be thinking about the possibility of becoming barren as a result of the two pregnancies you had caused. It is difficult to nurse your interest in a person you love and have the hope that you would be happily married only to get the shock of your life like this incident.
Though it is not easy to overcome this sort of problem, l would appeal to you to let bygones be bygones, face the challenge and re-organise your life.
I would plead with you not to raise any alarm since he has decided to do what pleased him. There are occasions people pay for the wrong that they have done. Kindly give your concerns to God and the arbiter of your life will bless and direct your steps in life.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I have lost one eye (the left one). I lost it due to marital quarrels but my parents still want me to return to the marriage. When I got married, I believed I was beginning a new, exciting chapter. Instead, I walked right into a furnace meant to ‘burn’ me.
The insults came first, then the beatings. I didn’t have to do anything big. I spat while he was eating. He shouted at me and asked if I didn’t have any decorum.
My third child was barely a year old when my husband threw me out of the house at dawn. What was my sin? I was sleeping too much while our baby disturbed him at night. He said I should be awake to put the baby to sleep.
It was around 1 a.m. I was too tired to do anything, but I tried my best and managed to find my way back to my parents’ house. I handed my baby to my mom, fell on a bed, and slept like I had just returned from war.
I didn’t have to tell them what had happened. They already knew. I was sent back home even before my husband came looking for me.
Then came the day that changed my life forever. The day my husband made me blind in one eye. What should do?
Efua, Takoradi.
Dear Efua,
To be sincere, you should not return to that marriage unless your safety can be guaranteed and there is clear evidence of change. Losing an eye as a result of domestic violence is not a minor marital dispute, rather, a serious act of abuse.
My heart breaks for you. No one deserves to be treated this way. Being insulted, beaten, thrown out of the house in the middle of the night with a baby, and ultimately losing an eye are clear signs of severe abuse.
Marriage is meant to provide love, respect, and protection, not fear and suffering. Parents may encourage reconciliation because they value family unity, but no tradition, culture, or family expectation should require a woman to return to a situation that has already caused permanent physical harm.
Your safety and wellbeing must come first. Seek support from trusted family members, counsellors, religious leaders, women’s rights organisations, and the appropriate authorities if necessary.
Before any discussion of reconciliation can take place, there must be accountability for the abuse, genuine repentance, and assurance that such violence will never happen again.
A woman who has lost an eye because of domestic violence should not be pressured to return to her abuser. She deserves safety, dignity, healing, and the opportunity to rebuild her life.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I am a woman in my mid-30s. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 14 years.
We have built a strong bond over the years, and despite everything, I still love him deeply.
However, our relationship hasn’t been perfect. Throughout the years, we have decided to try as much as possible to make it work.
A few months ago, he travelled to the Dubai. He recently confessed something that has completely surprised me.
He informed me that he had mistakenly gotten another woman pregnant. Despite everything, he wants to marry me and is making plans for me to join him abroad so we can settle down.
The situation has become even more complicated because the woman she has impregnated is also insisting she should marry her.
Yet he keeps assuring me that I am the woman he truly needs to spend his life with.
Parts of me wants to walk away after all the betrayals. Another part of me feels 14 years is hard work for me to let go. I can’t stop wondering if there are more of secrets he is hiding.
Baaba, Sunyani.
Dear Baaba,
If you have been with a man for 14 years and he has impregnated another woman, the decision about whether to let him go depends on more than just the pregnancy. Is your boyfriend remorseful of what he has taken you through?
A pregnancy creates a lifelong connection between him and the other woman because they will communicate for the sake of the child.
After 14 years, you deserve clarity and commitment. It may be worth asking whether staying is serving your happiness and self –respect.
Do not focus only on the fact that he impregnated another woman, but on what his actions over the years over the kind of partner he has been.
