Relationship
Why do you want to get married? – Part 2
A ring is a token of your faith and love to each other
In our journey to understanding the motives behind the union of marriage, we addressed the conscious and unconscious reasons people often say ‘I do’.
In Part 1, we explored the pressures of aging (I am growing old; therefore, I have to marry) and societal expectations (My family, friends and society are putting pressure on me to marry).
In Part 2, we delve into the influence of peer pressure and the desire to wear a wedding ring. Whether you have been following the series or are just joining us, let us continue exploring the reasons some people get married. These include (stated in their own words):
3. My friends are all marrying; I’m the only one who is not yet married
I can understand how you feel, especially if you are a woman. As a single woman (or man), you may have difficulties attending social events alone without a spouse or would-be spouse (especially weddings, marriage anniversaries, and baby naming ceremonies).
Most of these feelings connected to those social events range from loneliness to embarrassment, and to anger. You feel uncomfortable that you have to go to yet another couples-centered event all alone.
I know that these feelings can make you have all kinds of unhealthy thoughts about your self-esteem, self-value and even future prospects.
Nevertheless, going ahead to marry anyone at all simply because of “my friends are all marrying; I am the only one who is not yet married” thoughts and feelings, can be quite dangerous.
I know you will want to know what you should do if you feel that way. Well, I can give you a few coping strategies. These strategies include:
a. You do not have to attend all your friends’ weddings.
It is not compulsory or mandatory for you to attend every wedding that is organised. As a coping strategy, you can be very selective of the weddings you choose to attend.
In such cases, you can show your love and support to such friends ahead of the event day by genuinely wishing them well, giving them some form of financial or material support, and communicating how much you care about them getting married.
When these are done ahead of time and are well communicated, your friends will understand and greatly appreciate your efforts.
b. If you decide to attend the event, then be quick to challenge any automatic negative thoughts about yourself.
It is a fact that many of us are highly critical of ourselves. If you have any automatic negative thoughts, such as—“I am always going to be alone”, “I will never find someone who loves me”, “I am nobody”, “life is not treating me well”, and “I am such a loser”—then pause.
Stop yourself and stop those negative thoughts by: I. always being quick to identify the negative thoughts, II. challenging them, and III. replacing those negative thoughts with alternative healthy thoughts. Re-frame your thoughts to be more positive and helpful to your own happiness.
4. I need to wear a wedding ring too
There is nothing wrong with wearing a wedding ring and probably enjoying a little glamour that comes with marriage ceremonies.
Except if you fantasise that being married with wedding ring on finger automatically implies happiness and fulfillment in life; then you may be greatly mistaken and in for a shock.
Sometimes the thought of “I need to wear a wedding ring too” is a little more subtle for a lot of unmarried people.
For some people, they see marriage as a status symbol, so they get married thinking they will parade around town with their spouse and people will bow in their presence like they just conquered an entire empire, city or something.
Unfortunately, these are only fantasies; they are not the reality. Do not forget that for some people, wearing a wedding ring has come to represent a shackle of bondage because of the many domestic abuses they suffered as a result of getting married.
Meanwhile, a ring is a very precious thing—a token of your faith and your love to each other. It is a never ending circle that indicates the continuing love of God—a love that never fails and never presents itself selfish or puffed up.
Therefore, my hope and prayer for you is that as you give yourself wholly to the wisdom and practicality of these articles, as well as the Bible and pre-marital counselling— the wearing of your wedding ring will come to represent something more lasting!
To be continued …
Source: Excerpts from ‘Preparing for a Happy and Fulfilling Marriage’ Book by REV. COUNSELOR PRINCE OFFEI (Psychotherapist and Marriage Therapist).
Parenting teens can be challenging. But it can also be a joy. The key is to know how to care for yourself, first and foremost. Before you have children, you might think that parenting will come naturally. And, to some degree, it does. But there are days (and sometimes months and years) when all parents could use some extra support.
Last week we looked at some four simple yet powerful approaches for parenting teens that build strong relationships for the long-run. Here are the remaining two:
4: Keep communication going
Because we are often busy and distracted, we do not always take the time to really focus on our kids when they’re trying to tell us something. Take advantage of the time you have together. Having dinner together as a family, using car time to talk, or chatting before bed are good ways to stay in daily touch with your teen. Prioritise quality time as well as quantity: Consider having breakfast out on the weekend as a special catch-up time to chat about the week. Or schedule monthly “family meetings” to discuss how things have been going and any conflicts that have arisen.
5. Be an empathetic listener
Listening with empathy and caring is one of the most important tips on parenting a teenager. Researchers have shown that people’s brain patterns synchronise when they listen closely to one another and watch each other’s expressions. As a result, the connection between them becomes stronger. Not feeling truly heard can lead to isolation and lack of self-esteem which are the root causes of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. Therefore, take listening seriously. It’s not just a way of coping with teenagers; it has an enormous impact on their well-being.
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SHE did not find out he was cheating. She found out he was drowning.
It was two weeks after their beautiful wedding. The jollof was still in the fridge. A loan officer called her number—not his—and politely asked, “Madam, please tell your husband to pay his overdue loan. We have been calling him.”
That was how she discovered her new husband had entered their marriage with a hidden debt of over GH¢40,000. No cheating. No other woman. Just a financial secret.
And that is how many Ghanaian marriages begin to die. Not with a shout, but with a secret alert on a phone.
In my therapy/counselling office in Accra, week after week, I sit with couples whose marriages are not broken by infidelity, but by invoices. If you ask me what is quietly killing Ghanaian marriages today, I will tell you without blinking: it is not that love has died; it is that money honesty never lived.
We prepare for the wedding. We do not prepare for the wallet.
What is money honesty?
Let me define it simply. Money honesty is not that you both earn the same. It is that you both know the same. It is the ability to sit down and say without fear:
“This is how much I earn.”
“This is how much I owe.”
“This is how I was raised to see money.”
“This is what scares me about money.”
Financial transparency is not about control. It is about clarity. You cannot build trust on top of secrets.
Many couples tell me, “Counselor, we love each other, love will handle money.” I always answer, “Love is the car, but money honesty is the fuel. Love without honesty cannot move.”
Why do Ghanaian partners hide money?
From my clinical observation, it is not always wickedness. It is often woundedness.
1. The fear of losing power: Especially for men, money is seen as power. “If she knows how much I have, she will control me or disrespect me.” So he hides.
2. Family entanglement: “If my wife knows I give my mother GH¢1,500 every month, there will be trouble.” So he creates a second MoMo account. Many Ghanaian marriages have three accounts—his, hers, and the secret family one.
3. Past trauma: A woman who grew up in a home where her mother begged for chop money will never be honest about her savings. She is not greedy. She is scared. She is saving for her survival.
4. Debt shame: In Ghana today, with easy access to Qwikloan, Fido, and bank salary loans, many young men and women enter marriage already drowning in debt. They hide it because they feel, “If I tell him/her, they won’t marry me.”
So the hiding begins. And that is where the insurance lapses.
The 3 Devastating Prices You Pay For Financial Secrecy
Research from Kansas State University found that arguments about money are the number one predictor of divorce, more than arguments about children, in-laws, or sex. Why? Because money arguments are never about money. They are about trust, respect, and security.
Price 1: It destroys trust faster than infidelity.
When you discover your spouse has a secret child, you are hurt. When you discover your spouse has a secret debt that loan officers are now chasing YOU for, you feel betrayed and foolish. Clients tell me, “Counselor, I can forgive cheating, but I cannot forgive that he made me look like a fool at the bank.”
Price 2: It creates chronic anxiety in your home.
A home where money is a mystery is a home where no one sleeps well. The wife is always checking his phone not for other women, but for loan alerts. The husband is always anxious when his wife says, “Can we talk?” You cannot have intimacy where there is financial anxiety.
Price 3: It teaches your children to lie.
Children are watching. When daddy says, “Tell anyone who calls that I am not around because of money,” you are teaching your son that lying about money is normal. We are raising a generation of financially dishonest partners.
