Obaa Yaa
My husband is ungrateful
Dear Obaa Yaa,
When I got pregnant with our first child, my husband and I agreed for me to stay home, at least until the children were a bit older.
I had a good job in banking, but childcare in our city was expensive, and his salary alone could cover us. I said yes without hesitation, because that’s what you do for your family.
“A bit older” became 12 years. Three children, three different schools, endless sick days, school runs, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, managing the house when he travelled for work, all of it fell on me.
I never complained, because I told myself this was my contribution, even if it didn’t come with a pay cheque.
We had a discussion about it and my husband told me I was stressing him because I was a housewife.
Twelve years of my life, my career, my independence, reduced to “nothing” in one sentence. That night, after he fell asleep, I sat in the living room and opened my old laptop. I started updating my resume for the first time in over a decade. I don’t know the future, but I know I can’t keep living as someone whose entire existence is considered worthless.
Eyram, Keta.
Dear Eyram,
Your husband’s words were painful and unfair. Raising three children, managing a household, and supporting a family for 12 years is a significant contribution. The fact that it did not come with a salary does not make it any less valuable.
Before making any major decisions, try to have a calm conversation with him when emotions have settled. Explain how his statement affected you and why it made you feel that your sacrifices and contributions were being dismissed. Sometimes people say hurtful things during arguments without fully considering the impact of their words, but that does not excuse them.
Updating your résumé is not an overreaction. Rebuilding your financial independence, confidence, and career options can be a healthy step for your own security and self-worth, whether or not your marriage improves. Having choices is important.
Pay attention to how your husband responds when you share your feelings. A partner who values the relationship should be willing to acknowledge the hurt, apologise sincerely, and recognise the work you have done for the family. If these conversations continue to be dismissive or disrespectful, consider seeking marriage counselling to help address the deeper issues.
Most importantly, do not allow anyone—including your spouse—to convince you that caring for your children and managing your home for 12 years was “nothing.” Your contribution helped make his career and your family’s stability possible. You deserve respect, appreciation, and a voice in your own home.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I AM 30 years old and the firstborn of three girls. Our mother died six months ago and since then, things have changed in our house.
I travelled for two weeks for work and when I returned, my younger sister, who is 24 years old, had moved all her things into my room. She said our mother gave her the room before she died, which I know is not true. Our mother left no such instruction before she died.
When I confronted her, she insulted me and told me that if I wanted peace, I should move to the boys’ quarters. Our father is not helping; he says we should not bring family matters outside.
I am hurt and angry. This was my mother’s house and I have been taking care of her before she died. How do I handle this without fighting my own blood sister?
First Born, Tema
Dear First Born,
I AM sorry for the loss of your mother. Grief is already hard, and family conflict makes it heavier.
I understand your pain. You sacrificed for your mother, and now you feel disrespected in your own home.
Please do not fight your sister physically or with insults. Once you fight, the family bond may be difficult to repair.
Don’t fight over the room; fight for peace. For now, manage with another space in the house if you can. Winning a room and losing your sister is not a true win.
Call a family meeting. You cannot do this alone. Invite a respected elder in the family, an uncle, auntie or your church elder whom your father and sister respect. Let them sit both of you down and discuss the matter fairly.
Since your mother left no will, everything should be discussed openly. Talk to your father separately. Your father said he does not want family matters outside, which may mean he still wants unity.
Talk to him calmly, one-on-one, and not when you are angry. Tell him how hurt you feel, not just that your sister is wrong.
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Dear Obaa Yaa,
FOR the past year, my mother has been complaining of one sickness after another. Whenever she called to tell me she was in the hospital, she would say the doctor had prescribed some medicines and ask me to send her money. I always did because I believed she was genuinely sick and needed my help.
A few weeks later, she would call again, claiming her condition had worsened. Sometimes it was high blood sugar or high blood pressure, and recently, she complained of sciatica. No matter how much money I sent, there was always another sickness and another medical bill to pay.
I eventually asked her to come to Accra so I could take her to the hospital for a comprehensive medical examination. However, she always had an excuse. She would say her knees hurt too much for her to sit in a car for that long or that her blood pressure was dangerously high.
Every month, I sent her at least GH₵5,000 for medical expenses. The situation became so exhausting that I sometimes stopped answering her calls because I already knew what she wanted to discuss.
Whenever I finally picked up, she would make me feel guilty for not answering.
One day, my aunt called and told me she had something important to share. She sent me a voice recording and warned me not to tell my mother about it.
I was shocked when I listened to the recording. My mother was boasting to someone that she had deliberately refused to come to Accra because she knew I would discover the truth about her supposed illnesses and stop sending her money.
What hurt me most was hearing her say, “If she heals all my sicknesses, what will I eat?”
I was devastated and furious. For an entire week, I refused to answer her calls. When I eventually picked up, she immediately started asking why I wanted her to die.
This time, I could not keep quiet.
Obaa Yaa, am I wrong to stop supporting my mother financially after discovering what she has allegedly been doing? Should I forgive her and give her another chance, or should I maintain my distance to protect myself from further manipulation?
Efe, Accra
Dear Efe,
I CAN understand your anger, disappointment and sense of betrayal. Sending your mother at least GH₵5,000 every month because you believe she is unwell is a significant financial commitment.
Discovering a recording in which she allegedly admits to deliberately avoiding a medical examination so she can continue receiving money from you would understandably hurt you deeply.
The situation is particularly painful because this is your mother, someone you naturally expect to be honest with you.
However, I would advise you not to make your next decision purely out of anger. You have every right to protect yourself from financial and emotional manipulation, but you should also consider the kind of relationship you want to have with your mother in the future.
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