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Churches on wheels

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Sikaman Palava

Easter is due! Jesus will die on the cross and be buried in the tomb from where he will res­urrect after three days and people who see will think he is ‘Madam High Heels.’

His death and resurrection are of much significance to Christians but people consider it little more than an ecclesiastical drama that was staged in Golgotha during which Jesus was nailed on the cross. Many even do not believe the Lord once lived.

A Ghanaian pastor preaching in a bus
A Ghanaian pastor preaching in a bus

But believe it or not before his death, he lived in the era of Caiaphas and Pontius Pilate who were in charge of religious and secular affairs and who contributed to the success­ful mis-trial and murdering of Jesus.

The significance here is not his death but his blood which was sup­posed to save those who believe in the Son of Man. It is for this reason that for Christians, Easter should be a solemn occasion when sinful man must supplicate to the Lord and re­unite with Him.

However, in general terms, this is not so. Easter is seen as being synon­ymous with picnics, swinging on the mountains where old girlfriends are met and new ones impregnated.

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It is also an occasion when new dance styles from the capital are outdoored when Amakye Dede is on stage. And it is normally during Eas­ter that people dance as if they were fighting, perhaps with the devil.

FOOTING THE BILLS

Now coming to think of it, devot­ed Christians must be commended for keeping the flame of the Christian religion burning. At the school parks at night, you are likely to see them vibrating with energy and reverberat­ing in tongues, praying for everybody and the nation so that guinea fowls will stop causing civil wars.

And if you are not aware, such Christians in fact flow in the spirit and when they dance, it is by way of the spirit such that the steps they take are heavenly-inspired.

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Most often, you’ll also meet them preaching the good news to the jobless, reassuring them that there is fuller life in heaven where food is free and there is no electricity and water bills to be paid. God foots all bills.

And after every preaching ses­sion, they demand ‘chop money’ from those who hear the word. There is nothing wrong with that if the preachers are full-time Evan­gelists because the Bible stipulates that they must be catered for by the church. But I am against those who are not full time clergymen but go out to preach only when they are broke. They must repent!

Now how do they preach and where? Sometimes it is at dawn so that people can be sufficiently disturbed to wake up and hear that news that would save them. And those who are fornicating at the mo­ment can be delivered.

“We are from so-and-so gospel ministry. Our mission is to bring the good news to your doorstep. It is free; you pay nothing for it. Howev­er, there is one condition. Stop what­ever you are doing now and listen intently, for your salvation depends on whatever you hear from us this morning.

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“If you’ve joined forces with the opposite sex at this moment, I command you in the name of Elijah to disengage. It is only then that you can listen to the gospel and be saved. Halleluyah!”

Now preaching the good news at dawn or at lorry parks is not irritat­ing to people as delivering the gospel on moving vehicles. At the lorry parks for instance, it is only those who are interested who will come around and listen and be blessed. You have no problem with those who want to remain ‘sinners.’

On the other hand, those who organise churches and conventions on passenger buses and force passengers to listen may have good intentions at the wrong place.

First, it is not fair to preach your religion in a bus that has different religions. And those people of other faiths do not want anybody to impose his beliefs on them, no matter how laudable such belief might be. They are entitled to a peaceful ride to their destination and should not be disturbed.

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I remember somewhere in the mid-eighties when I was travelling on a bus on which an evangelist was preaching. At the end of it, he asked everybody to shake hands with the person sitting next to him. Unfortu­nately for me I was sitting between two Alhaji’s who found the entire session irritating. And I was to shake them by hand.

But first I had to make sure they were also prepared to shake hands with me. So I looked into the eyes of the one on the left and realised that he was fuming and ready to explode if detonated. Upon close look study of his visage, I saw that he was also twitching his moustache. I wondered whether I was safe.

SHAKING OF HANDS

Looking into the face of the other, I got horrified by what I saw. He was opening and closing his eyes at me like a maniac. I wanted to ask him whether he was normal but quick­ly decided against it for fear that he’d break my jaw. If I had insured my jaw, I would have risked it, but I wasn’t covered.

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As it were, I raised my head a bit and lowered it down coolly as the bus sped on. I guess the Evangelist didn’t see the expression on the faces of the Alhajis. If he had, he would have apologised for organising a Christian sermon for Christians, Moslems, Bud­dhists, Krishnas, and forcing them to shake hands.

In fact, when these Alhajis alight­ed at Nima Police Station and were going away, one of them said a sen­tence which I heard the word ‘wala­hi.’ Lucky me.

Preaching on buses is also not good because the driver’s attention is distracted. He might even join sing­ing the chorus and unconsciously try to dance alongside. Before he realis­es that he is not in a church room, it is too late, Obituary!

Deaths on our roads have often occurred because drivers merely want to change a cassette they are playing which meant their attention was distracted for just a few sec­onds.

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I think a law must be put in place to stop evangelists from preaching on moving vehicles. Passenger vehi­cles must not be turned into church rooms. They can still convert people at the lorry parks if they choose to.

If Moslems, Krishnas, Bahais, Buddhists, Shinotoists and all others also want to use moving vehicles to spread their respective ‘gospels,’ how would it be like in Sikaman?

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Female bodies for sale

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A man and a woman walking together

It is still the contention of my uncle, Kofi Jogolo, that the moment God created woman, He created a big problem for man. If not, why would man always have to trim his moustache in such a way as to please woman and not himself? And why would a man’s holy organ keep nodding like an agama lizard just because there is a creation called woman?

Sikaman Palava
Sikaman Palava

Sir Kofi Jogolo whose moustache deserves both a national award and mention in the Guinness Book of Records for its stylish variations, told me recently that when you marry, you have palaver; if you don’t marry, you have wahala. All because of woman. I think the bloke is a reincarnation of Paul. Only he looks like Peter.

For those who do not marry, they may be free of marital problems, but might be in sexual bondage, because at dawn, a certain part of the body might nod in distress. It is a wonderful part of the human body that smiles with joy when a woman is lying within arm’s length.

The unmarried may not have to wait until dawn, though. After all, who says you can satisfy a sexual need only at dawn? If there is no girlfriend, there is still a way out. FEMALE BODIES FOR SALE! You only have to ask, “How much?” Sometimes it is worth the price of only two balls of kenkey.

It is for this reason that some people do not discourage women from practising prostitution because they claim the women play a vital role in national development. According to them, first, the nation cannot develop when the citizens are sex-starved. Second, they claim prostitution keeps down figures of rape cases since it is due to the scarcity of female bodies that the incidence of rape is rising.

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Well, some people really adore prostitutes. With them you don’t have to worry about pregnancy. Moreover, you can skip foreplay which many people don’t have the patience for because of their high sexual temperature, or because they consider it a waste of time. And when you pay well, you can enjoy the style you want.

In actual fact, some married men also go in for prostitutes once in a while. They claim that prostitutes do not complain in bed like their wives. When you ask them to raise a leg, they comply without argument.

They also say prostitutes who are experienced can really work on certain parts of your body enough to make you blaspheme. Holy Jesus! The difference is clear then that with prostitutes you pay for the service but with wives it is for free, meaning that the quality of service must differ accordingly.

Many men also say they prefer prostitutes to girlfriends because of “back-pocket palaver”. It is their contention that with girlfriends you have to specialise in telling lies about your credit worthiness especially when you’re not only a human being but also a church mouse.

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Sometimes you have to buy beer and gin because some girlfriends would not like to have sex unless they are properly soaked in booze. You also have to sing them lullabies and recite poetry to turn them on. Ask Devine Ankamah. That’s not all. When all is finished, you have to dish transport money, and if you’re not lucky she’d ask you to settle a “carry forward” you had planned to dodge.

So for just two probably lousy rounds of enjoyment, you’d spend some ¢15,000 if hotel services are included, unless you choose a hotel room where cockroaches and rats don’t practise family planning.

There are those who believe that with prostitutes, you don’t have to tell lies. It is purely business. No credit, no debit. Money na hand back na ground. When you are through and refuse to pay, she’ll cause a scene, scratch your face red and drag your butt onto the street. Next time you don’t have money, you stick to your wife or girlfriend or to your sorrows.

Prostitution in Sikaman is widespread. News reaching Palava have it that in the Obuasi area, it is the major occupation of females. They are in lucrative business. They come from all over the country -Bolga, Tamale, Kumasi, Sunyani, Accra, Odumase, wherever. A few are said to have come from Lagos in full gear.

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When they all come, they sometimes don’t do so with only their bodies and luggage. They also carry with them something small in the form of a disease called AIDS which they distribute free of charge.

So why Obuasi? Gold! The great successes of Ashanti Goldfields combined with the notoriety and boom of galamsey activities have acted as a magnet, drawing in those who peddle their bodies for cash. No cheques!

Sometime back, it was reported that AIDS cases in the Obuasi area had soared. The reason, prostitution. Obuasi prostitutes are, however, of class. They dress to kill. Some speak even more languages, so if you’re a client and you speak even in tongues, they understand. And they drink beer exactly like Germans.

So what really are we doing about these prostitutes who, some say are contributing to national development and others say are enhancing national obituary?

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Sikaman Palava has said it once that the law enforcement agencies have tried time and again to rid them off the streets. They have always failed in doing so. The problem is that they are as slippery as the cockroach. When harassed, they disappear and practise all the same. If caught, they are fined and the next day they are firmly at post.

Some people say because we can’t get rid of them, we must neither encourage nor discourage them. We must find a way of organising them into co-operatives under the name of “SPECIAL HUMAN SERVICES.”

They’d undergo medical screening and those with AIDS banned from practising. The rest would undergo a course in the cause, prevention and cure of sexually-transmitted diseases, personal hygiene, condom use and the healthful ways of practising prostitution.

Then they can be let loose to practise under laid-down rules and regulations and their income taxed.

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That way, the prostitutes would be more beneficial to society and would not be the problem we see them to be.

 This article was first published on Saturday June 29, 1996

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The right mindset is everything

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This year June and part of July, is an enjoyable season for football lovers due to the World Cup which is held every four years.  The World Cup is such a huge event and also very prestigious so it is highly competitive. 

Countries registered with the Federation of International Football Association, (FIFA) become automatic members.  FIFA organises tournaments on the five continents of the world, to enable countries to be selected to play in the World Cup competition. 

Governments support their national teams to ensure qualification to the World Cup due to the prestigious nature of the tournament.  Certain countries even go to the extent of renting a place of their choice, instead of the accommodation provided by FIFA, to ensure that they win the ultimate crown, as Germany did in the 2014 tournament in Brazil. 

Mental strength a requisite for emerging victorious in football matches at such high professional level and everything must be done to endure that players are focused on the matches ahead of them.

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There is however, a peculiar situation in this year’s World Cup, where it is being hosted by three countries namely the United States of America, Mexico and Canada and where one of the host countries, is at war with one of the competing countries. 

The United States of America, is waging a war against Iran.  The US has prevented Iran from staying in the US where they were originally scheduled by FIFA to play their matches.  The US using its power as the host country, has refused to let Iran to stay and FIFA has provided a place in Mexico for the Iranian team to stay.  They have to spend about five hours to fly to the US and prepare to get ready for their matches, each match day. 

They are also forced to leave the US as soon as they finish playing their matches, without resting.  Despite this inhumane treatment being forced on them by the USA, the Iranian team is mentally strong and have managed to draw their two matches played.  

This is a clear manifestation of mental toughness, resulting from having the right mindset.

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Life has a way of often dealing bad cards to a lot of people but it is important that when it happens like that, you look at what you can do with what you have, to still achieve the goals you have set for yourself.

 There is a saying that when life throws you a lemon you make lemonade out of it.  The barriers confronting you might be great, but it is the attitude you display that makes the difference. 

The Iranians have really shown that the right mindset is indeed everything you need to be successful.  They looked at their situation and assessed what was not going in their favour and found appropriate steps to address it. 

Given the teams Iran was to play, the challenge was indeed huge, given the circumstances they found themselves in, but the right mindset to never give up, did the trick for them.

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As human beings, we are always confronted with challenges, right from the day we start to crawl, the day we take our first steps and as we continue to grow into adulthood.  Challenges are part of our daily lives and we must therefore condition our minds, that we shall encounter them and so must constantly be innovative in overcoming them, when we encounter them. 

We need as a country, to develop a critical thinking skill capabilities in our youth, as an investment in the future fortunes of this country.  Developing the right mindset, will enable us overcome every challenge.  God bless.

By Laud Kissi-Mensah

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