Obaa Yaa
Will you encourage marriage within same family?
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I was betrothed to an influential man in my family who performed my marriage rites when l was a teenager. Though l was at the ceremony and nicely decorated with the best ornament, l did not understand the significance of what took place that day.
When l completed the university, l was not given a breathing space but asked to move into my husband’s house, although l was not mentally prepared for marriage.
I must admit that l was not enthused about getting married to this man but since my parents and the family head impressed upon me, l had no choice but to accept the offer.
Frankly, l am not happy in this marriage because our way of life and perception about issues are different. I have tried hard to tolerate his character but l think things are moving out of order.
This has generated frequent quarrels, l often lose my heart beat and this leaves me in total fear.
I am planning to leave the marriage to the displeasure of my parents.
Will l be taking the right step if l go ahead with my plan?
Abena, Koforidua.
Dear Abena,
Our elders treasured family marriages in order to protect their children from maltreatment, provide them with the love, security and help preserve their wealth.
Parents know the character of their children and the sort of spouse that will be suitable for them, hence the decision to arrange for family marriages.
Since parents conduct background checks of would-be spouses of their children, it is also believed that picking one of their own is better, and some successful marriages can attest to this special arrangement.
The uniqueness of God has brought about the differences in each person’s character and the way we do things and react to issues.
Unfortunately, some of these marriages do not work out well as one would have expected because the individuals did not get the opportunity to study each other before getting married.
Having tolerated him all these years, it will be ideal if you can cope with the differences since they are not life-threatening and live together, especially if there are children in the marriage.
But if things are not getting better, then you can inform your parents that you cannot bear it any longer.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I was 22 when Kofi and I got married. For 30 years we have toiled together.
As part of our hustling, Kofi my husband left for his ‘troski’ business at 4am while I cooked kenkey and sold it by the roadside. Every cedi that didn’t go to food went into a ‘Susu’ box under our bed.
We decided to build a house together. I carried water for the mortar. Kofi mixed it. We bought cement in bits. First the foundation, then the block house with four rooms and a shop downstairs.
Though we couldn’t make babies, Kofi loved me and gave me peace.
Kofi died out of stroke last year and life has not been easy.
One week after we buried him, his family members have come for the house and shop because we had no children together.
Yes, I had no child but I had blisters. I had receipts. I have 30 years of shared suffering and love. What should I do?
Afi, Ho
Dear Afi,
Afi, I know this hurts deeply, but don’t leave your 30 years of toil to your husband’s family. Gather every proof you have- the receipts for cement and blocks, photos of you both building, ‘Susu’ records, and statements from neighbours or the mason who saw you work together. This shows ‘joint acquisition’ and the court will consider it. Under Ghana’s Intestate Succession Law, PNDC Law 111, you have rights even without children. You are entitled to household items, part of the estate, and a life interest in the house. Custom cannot erase that. Do not sign any paper Uncle Joe brings until a lawyer has read it.
Get help right away; don’t fight this alone. Go to Legal Aid Ghana for assistance. They offer free support for women in inheritance cases. Talk to your pastor, counselor, or women’s group because this is grief on top of grief.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I am a young man sharing a rented apartment with three other guys. We rented the place together because we are all students and currently on vacation.
Recently, two of the guys travelled to their hometown, leaving only two of us in the apartment. The problem started when the other roommate brought a lady to the house. At first, I thought she was only visiting, but she has now been staying with us for several days and appears to be living here.
I have spoken to my roommate and asked him to ask the lady to leave because I am uncomfortable having someone who was not part of our original arrangement living in the apartment but he refused.
His argument is that he contributed his share of the rent, so he has the right to decide who stays with him. He says that since his money helped us secure the apartment, I cannot tell him what to do with his portion of the house.
The situation is becoming uncomfortable, and I do not want this disagreement to destroy our friendship. I also do not want to appear controlling or disrespectful.
Please, Obaa Yaa, am I wrong to ask him to send the lady away?
Nana Yaw Frimpong, Accra
Dear Nana Yaw Frimpong,
You are not wrong for feeling uncomfortable. The main issue is not that your roommate has a girlfriend; it is that a shared apartment is being used by an additional person without the agreement of the other people who live there.
Paying his share of the rent gives him rights as a tenant, but it does not automatically mean he can unilaterally turn a shared apartment into a place where his partner also lives.
Don’t make it a fight between you and the girlfriend. She is not the main problem. Your disagreement is with your roommate.
Have a calm conversation with him. Tell him that you respect his relationship, but having someone stay for several days is different from having a visitor for an evening.
Speak to the other roommates. Since they are temporarily away, don’t make a permanent decision on their behalf; they should at least know what is happening.
Set a clear boundary rather than issuing an ultimatum. You can say that you are not comfortable with an additional person becoming a permanent occupant unless all the tenants agree.
If he continues to refuse any discussion, you may have to decide whether the friendship is worth enduring an arrangement that makes you uncomfortable or whether, when the tenancy ends, you should live separately.
