Dear Obaa Yaa,

I am 25 and my boyfriend is 28 years of age. We have dated for the past two years.  Hopefully we have decided to tie the knot early next year. He is a very good and kind man. But his abusive nature is getting out of hand.

I am aware every individual have flaws but my husband’s attitude is putting me off.

He would slap, insult or beat me up whenever there is a misunderstanding.

I have complained to my parents about his attitude yet they are telling me to be patient since I don’t know my faith in the next relationship.

 My parents are pleading with me to marry him because he would turn a new leaf.  I am torn between leaving him and maintaining him.

Akushika, Lapaz.

Dear Akushika,

If your boyfriend is already abusive before marriage, do not ignore it or assume marriage will change him.

 Abuse is not a sign of love, and marriage does not automatically make an abusive person become better.

If he insults you, threatens you, controls you, humiliates you, beats you, or constantly makes you afraid, you have every right to reconsider the relationship and call off the marriage.

 Your safety and peace of mind should come before the wedding plans, family expectations, or money already spent on preparations.

Speak to someone you trust and, if necessary, seek professional or legal support. If you fear that he may hurt you when you tell him you are ending the relationship, do not confront him alone. Make your safety plan first and involve trusted people.

It is better to stop a marriage today than to enter a marriage hoping that an abusive partner will change tomorrow. You are not failing by choosing to protect yourself. You are making a decision about your future and your safety.

Dear Obaa Yaa,

I am a married woman, but I am struggling with something I have been unable to overcome.

Before I got married, I had an intimate relationship with a fellow woman. To be honest, I enjoyed being with her more than I have ever enjoyed being with a man.

I thought getting married would make those feelings disappear, but that has not happened.

I have struggled to enjoy intimacy with my husband. Sometimes, when my husband is being intimate with me, I have to imagine him as a woman before I can enjoy what he is doing.

I have prayed about this situation and have also sought spiritual help, but nothing seems to have changed. I genuinely want to understand what is happening to me and whether there is anything I can do about these feelings.

I love my husband, but I am struggling with my sexual desires, and I don’t want this situation to destroy my marriage.

Please, what can I do to deal with this urge? I desperately need advice.

Afua, Bantama.

Dear Afua,

Your situation is a bit dicey and confusing. Having an urge or attraction does not automatically make you a bad person. What matters is how you respond to those feelings and the choices you make.

It is also important to understand that marriage does not automatically erase previous attractions or experiences. Since you had a relationship with a woman before marriage and found it deeply satisfying, it is possible that those memories and patterns of attraction are still influencing your present sexual feelings. That does not mean you are helpless or that your marriage cannot work.

I would advise you not to rush into another relationship with a woman simply because you are unhappy sexually with your husband. That could create another layer of secrecy, guilt and problems in your marriage.

Continue praying and seeking spiritual guidance—but combine that with appropriate professional counselling.