Obaa Yaa
I lost my virginity to my relative
My father is loving, caring and his greatest desire is not only to develop the human resource base of his children, but to enable the youth in the family reach appreciable levels in education.
Irrespective of this laudable intention of my father, I lost my virginity to one relative of mine when l was 14 years old.
My parents used to travel on business trips for about two weeks every three months, during which we were left under the care of our relatives who were older than us.
This elderly relative of mine behaved as though he loved me and had my welfare at heart, not knowing behind his charming smiles and seemingly caring nature was a sinister motive to put me to bed at all cost.
Being an elderly relative who knew much about life and was sexually active, he succeeded in luring me into an active sex life.
Surprisingly, though l am now 23 years old and in the university, he still made attempts to seduce me into having an affair with him.
Since l now resist his diabolical advances, he complains vehemently about whatever l do and resorts to telling lies about me to my parents. He has been able to influence my parents to believe in his part of the narrative, for which reason my parents often blame me for trying to be a naughty girl.
He has discouraged my boyfriend from visiting me with the reason that l am too young and inexperienced to be in a relationship.
I would like to report his conduct to my mother, but l am scared about my parents’ reaction when they hear of this and the likelihood that my father will withdraw the assistance he has been giving him and sack him from the house.
Kindly assist me with an answer to enable me make a decision before the worse happens.
What step should l take in order to deal with this problem?
Mercy, Odumase Krobo.
Dear Mercy,
You must know that your moral life is at stake because of the secret relationship between you and your relative.
The fear is that the frequency of sexual acts between the two of you has the tendency of making you think that the illicit relationship is normal, while it increases your sexual appetite.
As a student in a tertiary institution, you are no longer a child but a matured person who is capable of taking your destiny into your own hands.
This is an abominable act which must be condemned by all and failure to act now will result in consequences you will grow to regret later.
This is an opportune time for you to halt this unhealthy practice before pregnancy sets in to further set the family apart.
You can imagine how enraged your parents would be when they discover this unhealthy relationship between the two of you. Be informed that you will get a fair share of the blame when they get to know.
Your relative must control his libido, know better and should not abuse the good intention of your father and pay him back this way.
Report his conduct to your parents before it is too late.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I have lost one eye (the left one). I lost it due to marital quarrels but my parents still want me to return to the marriage. When I got married, I believed I was beginning a new, exciting chapter. Instead, I walked right into a furnace meant to ‘burn’ me.
The insults came first, then the beatings. I didn’t have to do anything big. I spat while he was eating. He shouted at me and asked if I didn’t have any decorum.
My third child was barely a year old when my husband threw me out of the house at dawn. What was my sin? I was sleeping too much while our baby disturbed him at night. He said I should be awake to put the baby to sleep.
It was around 1 a.m. I was too tired to do anything, but I tried my best and managed to find my way back to my parents’ house. I handed my baby to my mom, fell on a bed, and slept like I had just returned from war.
I didn’t have to tell them what had happened. They already knew. I was sent back home even before my husband came looking for me.
Then came the day that changed my life forever. The day my husband made me blind in one eye. What should do?
Efua, Takoradi.
Dear Efua,
To be sincere, you should not return to that marriage unless your safety can be guaranteed and there is clear evidence of change. Losing an eye as a result of domestic violence is not a minor marital dispute, rather, a serious act of abuse.
My heart breaks for you. No one deserves to be treated this way. Being insulted, beaten, thrown out of the house in the middle of the night with a baby, and ultimately losing an eye are clear signs of severe abuse.
Marriage is meant to provide love, respect, and protection, not fear and suffering. Parents may encourage reconciliation because they value family unity, but no tradition, culture, or family expectation should require a woman to return to a situation that has already caused permanent physical harm.
Your safety and wellbeing must come first. Seek support from trusted family members, counsellors, religious leaders, women’s rights organisations, and the appropriate authorities if necessary.
Before any discussion of reconciliation can take place, there must be accountability for the abuse, genuine repentance, and assurance that such violence will never happen again.
A woman who has lost an eye because of domestic violence should not be pressured to return to her abuser. She deserves safety, dignity, healing, and the opportunity to rebuild her life.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I am a woman in my mid-30s. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 14 years.
We have built a strong bond over the years, and despite everything, I still love him deeply.
However, our relationship hasn’t been perfect. Throughout the years, we have decided to try as much as possible to make it work.
A few months ago, he travelled to the Dubai. He recently confessed something that has completely surprised me.
He informed me that he had mistakenly gotten another woman pregnant. Despite everything, he wants to marry me and is making plans for me to join him abroad so we can settle down.
The situation has become even more complicated because the woman she has impregnated is also insisting she should marry her.
Yet he keeps assuring me that I am the woman he truly needs to spend his life with.
Parts of me wants to walk away after all the betrayals. Another part of me feels 14 years is hard work for me to let go. I can’t stop wondering if there are more of secrets he is hiding.
Baaba, Sunyani.
Dear Baaba,
If you have been with a man for 14 years and he has impregnated another woman, the decision about whether to let him go depends on more than just the pregnancy. Is your boyfriend remorseful of what he has taken you through?
A pregnancy creates a lifelong connection between him and the other woman because they will communicate for the sake of the child.
After 14 years, you deserve clarity and commitment. It may be worth asking whether staying is serving your happiness and self –respect.
Do not focus only on the fact that he impregnated another woman, but on what his actions over the years over the kind of partner he has been.
