It’s been donkey’s years since I heard from you,

Araba my beloved sister. I’m told you’ve found

 a sugar daddy in the big city, and he is oozing sweet

honey down your lips making you forget all about

 me.

Anyway, life in the village has not changed much. I am writing you this quick letter before I dash down with Uncle Fiifi to the farm to tap palm-wine. But you need to advise him, my sister. Uncle Fiifi’s penchant for intoxication seems to have reached a crescendo pitch, and the earlier we helped him nip this habit in the bud the better.

Araba, there have been a few developments in our hamlet and its immediate environs that I find necessary to share with you. I won’t be taken aback if similar developments are rearing their ugly heads in the big city, since such craziness usually begins from there.

It’s now making sense to me why Paapa, while he was alive, constantly cautioned us against associating or worshiping with any of these ‘one man’ churches mushrooming all over the place. Sister, I used to think he was making mountains out of molehills, but events that have unfolded these past weeks have clearly vindicated him.

Araba, did you hear of one Pastor Korkorti this so-called man of God in our village who was busily shaving the pubic hairs out of the private parts of our wives and mothers? Eeii My sister I couldn’t believe it! The man would bend low every now and then, stare inquiringly at their sensitive parts, and shave the jungles with surgical precision

To rub salt in old wound, Araba, this sorry apology of a priest was speaking gibberish – what he called a spiritual language – while subjecting our women to the height of all deceptions

Sister, it was both whimsical and incredulous to see those gullible women wriggle their waists and sing praises in ecstasy as he hoodwinked them. Araba, from the way the woman wriggled their waists while being shaved, only heaven knows what they would do with those same waists as they scurried to the pastor’s office one after the other after the service

There is something very wrong with the priesthood today, Araba. Everybody is now a pastor; and the emphasis is on money, money, and more money Young people drop out of school when they find academic work quite challenging, and the quickest escape for them is to establish churches and become pastorsWhen the going gets tough, you must become a  pastor so you can take some offering It’s such a pity, Araba.

I also find it mind-boggling why nearly all of them want to be called ‘prophets’, and the next moment you would hear that they have gone to consult Kwaku Bonsam for powers to perform miracles. Araba, it is quite ludicrous looking at some of the miracles they claim to perform: giving of lotto numbers, instant cash in your mobile money wallet or polythene bag, instant pregnancy, money doubling, power to scam and defraud white people online, Do As I Say, you name them.

Sister, these acts of satanism used to be the stock-in-trade of fetish priests and Juju men in times past.

 But today, these magicians parading as pastors, have taken over the game  And our radio and television stations, taking their fair share of these pastors’ ill-gotten booty, allot gargantuan time on air to these charlatans to display their tommyrot 

Araba, I know and believe there are many good pastors out there: pastors whose preoccupation is to teach the truth of God’s word to their flocks, and also lead by example.  But sister, the bad nuts are gradually sinking the ship, and it’s time to wake up before it got too late 

I believe there must be freedom of worship and freedom of association, my sister, but we need to check constantly the activities of these charlatans and ensure that their modus operandi fall within the ambit of the law.

As much as it would be improper to infringe on their right to worship, it would also be dangerous and irresponsible on our part to turn a blind eye completely to their activities. Let’s remember, Araba, that our wives, mothers and daughters are among their congregations We cannot sit on the fence

Since ‘religion is the opium of the masses (according to Karl Marx), it is to be expected that men would always take recourse to religion to soothe their pains whenever life’s lances cut deep.

We cannot, therefore, blame poor church folk entirely for running to these conmen to seek remedies. The activities of those churches, I reiterate, ought to be regulated

 Araba, many may have thought his move was quite harsh and draconian, but Rwandan President Paul Kagame, deserves tonnes of applause for his relentless effort in clamping down on some churches in Kigali. In that move, 700 churches and a mosque were closed down.

Araba, there was a new law the Kagame administration proposed that I find very interesting: all preachers were to have a theological degree before starting a church. I support this fully, and pray we consider and implement same here in GhanaSound  theological training before opening a church would ensure that we have preachers who know what they are about This whole craziness of pastors claiming to be angels who would soon be promoted to become Jesus Christ; this whole hogwash of preachers claiming to hold sacred meetings with holy angels by name Ayetefrim and Nimokafrim, this whole balderdash of supposed men of God instructing their congregants to drink petrol and eat grass as a form of spiritual direction, this whole tommyrot of so-called prophets of God instructing members of their congregations to perform oral sex on them in order to receive deliverance and blessing, would become a thing of the past when we require church leaders to meet modest standards

Araba, I read also from the news that in South Africa, two churches – Rabboni Ministries and End Time Disciples Ministries – posted images of their leaders feeding followers snakes and rats At that time, the man dubbed the ‘snake pastor’ by local media, Prophet Penuel Mnguni, said he was “doing God’s work and didn’t need  to explain God’s ways to people.” Such bullcrap, Araba! That man’s head ought to be examined Was he saying that it was God’s way for his followers to ingest snakes and rats?!

South Africa’s Commission for the Promotion and Protection of Cultural, Religious and Linguistic Communities (CLR), which summoned 40 churches, said their wide-ranging sessions found that ‘commercialisation is definitely there… and abuse of people belief systems.’ It’s all about money, Araba, and the ways and means to extort it from unsuspecting followers.

The situation is not any different in Kenya, where President Uhuru Kenyatta, has called for the regulation of churches. He has pointed out that the move was aimed at stamping out bogus churches and church leaders, who he described as ‘thieves’ not ‘preachers’.

Araba, it has also become the norm for certain prophets (if really they are), to make predictions about every forthcoming event, claiming to have heard accurately from God, only for those events to produce outcomes completely opposite to their predictions! I know, however, my sister, that every word coming genuinely from God, never fails! And I know, Araba, that when a so-called prophet makes a prediction which fails to materialise, he never heard from God in the first place. His prophecy was only a figment of his own imagination or preference. Listen to what the Scripture says in Deuteronomy 18:22 – when a prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, if the thing does not happen or come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord has not spoken; the prophet has spoken it presumptuously; you shall not be afraid of him.

Araba, I do not want to talk about those I prefer to call the ‘Death Prophets’. All they see is people who would be dying soon. Nothing more, nothing less! I am ‘sick and tired of being sick and tired’, my sister. Let me leave now to tap palm-wine with Uncle Fiifi. But we’ll be careful not to pass by Pastor Korkorti’s church. We’re not ready to have anyone shave our jungles! Just too many crooks in cassock!!

 So long,

Kwaku Aidoo