Relationship
How to deal with an overspending spouse (final)
Living within your means is important
If you have gone through the steps above and haven’t seen much improvement, don’t lose hope. You and your spouse may need to take extra steps or get more help. Here are five things to try first:
Cut Up Your Credit Cards
If you tried the envelope system for budgeting, but kept your credit cards just in case, the power of plastic may be too much to resist for compulsive shopaholics. If you suspect this is the case, then get rid of them. Spending money can be addictive, especially if you can’t actually see the money leaving your hands. Cut up the credit cards, and if you must, close the accounts to take the temptation out of the picture altogether.
Use a Piggy Bank
Did you make a piggy bank when you were little? Well, I still have one and I use it to this day. I regularly deposit change in my piggy bank and after a while, I am rewarded for my efforts. It’s a great way to practise patience and discipline, which may be exactly what your spouse needs to lose the overspending habit. Don’t use the piggy bank method alone, however. Do it in conjunction with cutting up the credit cards and the process described above. Reinforce to your spouse that this is not a punishment, but a way of rewarding hard work and self-control.
Motivational Reading
Like many people, I get really fired up and excited after reading a book. If your spouse is this way too, try picking up some inspirational reading like Dave Ramsey’s The Total Money Makeover or Thomas Stanley’s The Millionaire Next Door for starters. Once you’ve read these, there are other great personal finance books out there as well. Reading about how others managed their spending can inspire both of you to work towards the changes you need to make.
Seek Counselling
If all else fails, or perhaps you are feeling resistance from your spouse, you may need to seek help from an outside source. Counselling can uncover deeper issues that your spouse is trying to cope with by overspending. Consider joint sessions, at least to begin with, to make sure your spouse’s overspending isn’t a response to underlying dynamics in your marriage.
Get Support
Organisations like Debtors Anonymous (DA), can give you and your spouse the tools you need to handle your situation effectively. Debtors Anonymous offers a 12-step programme to control overspending and provides support from others who have been in the same place you’re in now.
Final Word
These suggestions will only work if you do not overspend yourself. Make sure you set a good example and that you are working towards financial goals just as hard as you expect your spouse to. Most importantly, support your spouse through the process and only use loving words so that the issue doesn’t drive a wedge in your relationship. Change and healing are most likely to occur if you demonstrate that you are in this together.
Relationship
Tips to improve family relationships
There is nothing like family. The people that are related by blood and marriage are expected to be our closest allies, greatest sources of love and support.
Too often, however, interactions with family are filled with misunderstanding and resentment, bickering and badgering.
Here are some tips to help bring family members closer
Take care of your health if you hope to take care of anyone else. The more demanding of your time your family is, the more you need to fit in exercise. Perhaps you and your family can seek out ways to exercise together.
1. Listen if you expect to be heard. Lack of communication is the loudest complaint in most families. The answer to “Why won’t they listen to me?” may be simply “You’re not listening to them.”
2. Teach emotional choice. Manage your moods by letting all feelings be OK, but not all behaviours. Model behavior that respects and encourages the feelings and rights of others yet make it clear that we have a choice about what to do with what we feel.
3. Teach generosity by receiving as well as giving. Giving and receiving are parts of the same loving continuum. If we don’t give, we find it hard to receive, and if we can’t receive, we don’t really have much to give. This is why selflessness carried to extremes is of little benefits to others.
4. Take responsibility for what you communicate silently. The very young and old are especially sensitive to nonverbal cues. More than our words, tone of voice, posture (body language), and facial expressions convey our feelings. We have to listen to our tone of voice and look at ourselves in pictures and in the mirror to assess our emotional congruency. Loving words coming through clenched teeth don’t feel loving—they feel confusing.
5. Don’t try to solve problems for your loved ones. Caring for your family doesn’t mean taking charge of their problems, giving unsolicited advice, or protecting them from their own emotions. Let them know their own strengths and allow them to ask you for what they need.
6. Make a lasting impression through actions. Your values will be communicated by your actions, no matter what you say. Be an example, not a nag.
7. Acknowledge your errors to everyone, including younger family members. Saying you’re sorry when you hurt someone you love, models humility and emotional integrity. You can demonstrate that no one is perfect, but everyone can learn at any age. Apologising proves you can forgive yourself and makes it easier to forgive others.
8. Discover what each person’s unique needs are. You can’t assume that your grandmother needs the same signs of love as your three-year-old or that either one will have the same needs next year. When in doubt, ask!
9. Be generous in expressing love. Everyone in a family (especially young children) needs the emotional reassurance of loving words, gestures, and looks. Those who demand the least emotional attention may need it most.
Relationship
Building trust in relationships and marriages
Trust is the glue that holds relationships and marriages together. Without it, even the strongest bonds can crumble.
As a couple navigates the ups and downs of life, trust serves as the foundation upon which their love, commitment, and loyalty are built. But what happens when trust is broken?
How can couples work to rebuild and strengthen this essential component of their relationship?
Trust is not just a feeling; it is a choice. It is a decision to be vulnerable, to be open, and to believe in the goodness of your partner. When trust is present, relationships flourish.
Communication becomes easier, conflicts are resolved more efficiently, and intimacy deepens. Trust allows couples to feel secure, to know that they can rely on each other through life’s challenges.
Signs of trust issues
So, how do you know if trust is an issue in your relationship? Look out for these signs:
– Suspicion and jealousy
– Defensiveness and accusations
– Lack of communication or withholding information
– Dishonesty or hiding the truth
– Emotional distance or disconnection
How to build trust
Fortunately, trust can be built and rebuilt. Here are some practical steps couples can take:
1. Communicate openly: Communication is the key to any successful relationship. Be honest, transparent, and open with your partner. Share your thoughts, feelings, and desires in a respectful and empathetic manner.
2. Be reliable: Follow through on your commitments. Show your partner that you are dependable and responsible.
3. Show vulnerability: Be willing to be vulnerable with your partner. Share your fears, hopes, and dreams with them.
4. Practice forgiveness: Let go of grudges and resentments. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning hurtful behavior, but rather releasing the negative emotions associated with it.
5. Cultivate intimacy: Intimacy is not just physical; it’s also emotional. Make time for regular date nights, meaningful conversations, and affectionate gestures.
Rebuilding trust
If trust has been broken, it is essential to work on rebuilding it. This process takes time, effort, and commitment from both partners. Here are some steps to take:
1. Acknowledge the hurt: Recognise the pain caused by the breach of trust. Acknowledge your partner’s feelings and validate their experience.
2. Identify the cause: Understand the reasons behind the breach of trust. Is it a lack of communication, infidelity, or something else? Identifying the root cause can help you address the issue more effectively.
3. Work together: Rebuilding trust requires a joint effort. Work together to establish new patterns of behaviour, communicate openly, and rebuild intimacy.
4. Seek help: If needed, seek the help of a couples therapist or counselor. A professional can provide guidance and support as you work to rebuild trust. Counselor Prince & Associates Consult (CPAC) can be helpful in that vein.
Building trust in a relationship or marriage takes work, commitment, and patience. It is a journey that requires effort from both partners. By communicating openly, being reliable, showing vulnerability, practicing forgiveness, and cultivating intimacy, couples can strengthen their bond and build a foundation of trust that will last a lifetime. Remember, trust is not something that can be demanded; it is something that must be earned and nurtured. With time, effort, and dedication, couples can build a strong, trusting relationship that brings joy, happiness, and fulfillment to their lives.
To be continued …
Source: Excerpts from “COURTSHIP MATTERS: Keys to a Fulfilling Lasting Marriage” Book by REV. COUNSELOR PRINCE OFFEI (Lecturer, Published Author, and Marriage Counsellor).
