Features
He-goats, New Year resolutions (1)
AS a matter of principle, some people celebrate only New Year’s Day and not Christmas. And they would tell you that Christmas is for the kids. You’d wonder whoever told them that piece of nonsense.
At any rate, they won’t celebrate Christmas but wait patiently until 31st Night when they become practically possessed. When a man (or woman) gets possessed on December 31, it is a wonderful experience. He can bark for two hours non-stop when making New Year resolutions. I don’t know where they get the stamina from.
My own experience is that, the more resolutions you make and the more fervently you make them, the less likely you are to observe them. So I have for some ten years now stopped making resolutions and slept very soundly on December 31 night.
On 31st Night, I asked my wife to remain home.
The way she looked at me suggested that I was blaspheming. How could she ever sleep when others were going to be praying for redemption of sins and making their cherished resolutions?
Castration
Well, coming to think of it, women tend to be more religious than men. When a woman is thinking seriously about how to prepare for church, a man would be debating whether he should drink only beer throughout the night or mix it with Opeimu Bitters so that when he meets his girlfriend in bed, he can give a good account of himself.
For goodness sake; every man is potentially a he-goat or palpably a he-goat, unless of course he is castrated. Castration can be in several forms. It could be physical, chemical, emotional or divine.
Physical castration takes place when the human testicles are removed for justifiable or unjustifiable reasons. Justifiable when it is for medical reasons and unjustifiable when a wife wants to tame the husband’s over-active or sometimes explosive libido.
In other words, the husband has literally turned into a he-goat and can be found sniffing the buttocks of other women with unrestrained abandon. So the wife decides that may be he’d be a little bit sober if he stop bleating after other women. He’d also grow fat and oily and learn to stay at home.
Chemical castration is where a rapist or serial sex offender has been convicted and sentenced to be castrated.
Certain emasculating chemicals are injected into him that destroy his male virility. So he sees a woman but no longer desires her.
Emotional castration is somewhat temporary. A man gets moody or disappointed and cannot achieve an erection. It could also be due to school fees palaver. Unless he pays his school fees, he can’t get an erection. May be, we have to pray for the soul of such people.
Divine castration is basically a delivering process. It is based on the idea that all men, no matter their pedigree or breed, are basically sexual animals endowed with the original sin.
So when they agree to come to Christ and have well-repented of their transgressions and confessed them for the remission of sins, it means they, have resolved to divest themselves of the qualities of a he-goat.
Having so resolved to be free of sexual encumbrances, the changed man must all the same undergo divine castration, so that his spirit, soul and mind will be cleansed of lust. Otherwise, he’d be a born again all right, but still hankering after skirt.
Divine castration is however reversible. Whenever you decide to backslide, your castration tends to be null and void. Also, whenever you get married, you are permitted to consummate the marriage. And how do you do that when you cannot get it up?
Testimony
You must be empowered during the honeymoon to prove that you are indeed a husband and not a hopeless pretender. If the groom cannot marshal enough firepower during the honeymoon, then when else?
It must, however, be noted that during a honeymoon, anything can happen. Over-excitement can be counter-productive to an otherwise lively libido and the groom can be found hopelessly wanting. It doesn’t mean he is impotent. It only means he needs time to organise.
Normally, a two-week honeymoon is enough time to put your act in order so that you can deliver in good time. The bride must be understanding and supporting.
It is not unusual, therefore, to find friends of the groom urging the inexperienced husband to rely solely on Alomo Bitters to pave the way to marital bliss and glory. And when the bride meets her mum after the honeymoon, she can give eloquent testimony of her husband’s ability to dance.
“He didn’t let me sleep she’d coo into her mum’s ear. And together they’d laugh aloud.
“I am already pregnant she’d add and triple the joy. I wish all fans of Sikaman Palava’ a triple portion of joy, peace and love. God bless.
Join our WhatsApp Channel now!
https://whatsapp.com/channel/0029VbBElzjInlqHhl1aTU27
THE typical itinerant salesman in Sikaman is a herbalist. He is normally a slim macho with the capacity to perambulate the expanse of area covering the triangle of Accra-Tema-Ashiaman. In short, he can walk a total of 60 miles a day, marketing a product that cures every disease, including poverty. 
The door-to-door herbal pharmacist advertises his product by word of mouth. He has nothing to do with the Food and Drugs Board (FDB). After all, his concoctions do not feature on FM stations.
Those herbalists who cannot walk to propagate the herbal gospel, liaise with drivers of mass transportation and their mates. They are, therefore, given the chance to sell their products on Benz buses that ply the routes.
Normally, the herbalist starts his sales message with a prayer and Bible study. He asks the passengers to bow down their heads in supplication to God the father, the son, the Holy Spirit.
When a herbalist asks the passengers to close their eyes and bow their heads, Moslems on board naturally feel offended. They feel that the herbalist has no right to assume that every passenger is a Christian. They think such an assumption is an affront to Islam.
So a Moslem on board will raise the hand for a point of order. He’ll remind the herbalist that it would be in his own interest to mind his language.
“Be careful the way you address people in a public place. Not every person here is a Christian,” he’d state assertively.
Of course, the herbalist will promptly ignore him, but would all the same “watch” his tongue. Who knows whether or not the Moslem brother is inspired by Quoranic zeal to defend the tenets of Islam to the hilt?
When he starts saying, “Wallahi!” and “Inshallah!” it could be the beginning of proclaiming Islam as supreme, a point which must be driven home with talibanic precision.
So the herbalist must tread carefully lest he steps on fire.
The herbalist could even add a measure of mirth to it all, by announcing that Christians on board today have very interesting company on the journey, but that should not detract from the business of the day.
The Moslem brother will weigh the words carefully and offer a wry smile.
He must be careful the occasion does not degenerate into the use of semantics and proverbial oration to deride his conviction that public utterances must be mindful of religious sensibilities. He has made his point very clear and expects that it is taken in good faith in the interest of a peaceful journey.
The herbalist will now open the New Testament and preach salvation, stating clearly that salvation can come only through Jesus Christ and NOBODY else.
The Moslem brother will now start twitching his moustache. The visible and almost revolutionary reflexes of his upper lip can be an indication that sentiments have begun superseding reason, and the outcome could well be tragic now shift uneasily in his seat.
The time has come for him to also express his right to the religion of his fore-bears. He’ll put his hand into his pocket and rise to his feet. The time has indeed come!
This article was first published on Saturday, September 9, 2006
When the cause of a particular problem like sickness, disease, sudden illness, a social issue etc. are not known, it stands to reason that resolving it becomes a huge challenge.
Citizens would understand the government when public announcements are made to the effect that government is trying to find a solution to the issue, even though it is taking a while for it to be resolved because citizens are rational beings.
On the other hand, if the solution to a particular issue is known to everybody but the government for whatever reason, is dragging its feet in resolving it, citizens become frustrated and begin to lose trust in their leaders.
One such issue is the heavy traffic along a section of the Kasoa – Odokor road. A short stretch of bad road between the traffic light at the Weija Government Hospital and the entrance to the entrance of the overhead that leads to the N1, is the cause of the problem but nothing is being done about it, day after day, week after week, month after month. Thus is clearly unacceptable.
Another issue that requires urgent attention is the lack of pavements along a lot of streets in parts of the various Municipal Assemblies. Exercise is a prerequisite for long life and healthy living and for those of us who it has become a way of life, this issue of people putting up structures right to the edge of the drains beside the roads, are making life difficult for us.
We are compelled to walk along the roads, putting our lives at serious risk. Pedestrians should never be compelled to compete with vehicles on our streets and roads. Roads and streets are made for vehicles and pavements are made for pedestrians. That is the norm. Any attempt to normalise a situation where pedestrians are mingling with vehicles is insanity.
It is the road regulations that makes it so and therefore district or municipal assemblies are to take responsibility and ensure that spaces for pavements are not encroached upon. Citizens have rights that must be protected by their leaders and making pavements available to pedestrians, is one of them.
When we hear of teachers having sex with students, it appears it is something recent. It is not a new phenomenon. It has been there since Adam. Perhaps this issue is getting much attention due to the proliferation of social media. It was an open secret in times past when Teachers were in relationships with female students and some married them immediately after completion of school.
Some teachers were also known to be having unholy interactions with female pupils but due to the times that these acts occurred, human rights issues and the awareness around it, allowed such unscrupulous teachers to get away with their crimes.
Now we are in a different era and so a Headmaster is now in hot waters. He is alleged to have raped about 19 female students and as usual, some officials tried to cover it up and are also in hot waters and their actions or inactions in the matter are under investigation.
Why the man has been allowed to roam freely without being arrested is simply mind boggling. It appears that the law applies differently, depending on who you are. This issue came to public attention sometime in August this year, yet the police had not arrested or invited this man for question regarding the rape allegation.
It has come out that he is a Constituency Secretary of the ruling party and the question in the public domain is that, is it because he is a political figure that is why he is still walking around without questioning? I believe in the rule of law so let us hold our breadth and let the proper thing be done.
The police must however be seen to be active in this matter. God bless.
SKIP THE QUEUE, TAP THE NEWS
You can now read the Ghanaian Times and The Spectator newspapers from the comfort of your device via TimesNewsPlus.
Join our WhatsApp Channel: https://whatsapp.com/channel/0029VbBElzjInlqHhl1aTU27
