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Is apology necessary in one’s life?
Can you apologise for something you did not do for the sake of peace? This is a vital question on the Facebook wall of Jef Carter Senior. Days after this blog was posted on his wall, there have been interesting and divergent views from numerous followers of the page. Some did not recognise the need to apologise for something you did not do just for peace to prevail while others felt that in order to allow a sleeping dog to lie peacefully, there is the need to say sorry.
EXCHANGES WITH COLLEAGUE JOURNALIST
I had some exchanges with my colleague journalist and a friend, Doreen Hammond, the current editor of the Mirror newspaper on this particular issue. While I felt that at certain times, situations demanded that one should say sorry even though that person was not the cause of a problem to ensure peace, my sister disagreed and differed with me totally. Her argument was that she was very accommodative, but that should not mean that she should apologise for what she had not done. As she put it, “I let a lot of things slide and tolerate a lot but why that? So, I should for example, apologise for assaulting someone when I haven’t”, she asked. I went further to draw her attention to the fact that she was comparing two different scenarios explaining to her that assault was something physical which even if committed indoors between couples, demanded an arbitration because of the physical injuries involved, and that was different from insulting each other verbally and other mere offences, but my colleague would never budge. Of course, we are all entitled to our opinions and we have to accept it like that.
APOLOGY AND WHAT IT ENTAILS
Since this topic is so interesting and thought-provoking, I have decided to use my column to discuss into detail, the essence of rendering an apology and what the act of doing that means to people and society in general in order to ginger up divergent opinions and views to advance the course of progress,
Apology in clear terms as explained in the dictionary, is something that you say or write in order to tell someone that you are sorry that you have hurt them or cause trouble to them. It is, therefore, an act of showing remorse and regretting for something you have done a person, group of people, as well as establishments. It is not a shame to tell a person you are sorry if you know deep down your heart that you have offended him or her and regret for your action.
APOLOGY REPAIRS RELATIONSHIP
Rendering an apology helps repair relationship by getting people to talk to each other or one another following some misunderstanding and makes them feel comfortable with each other again. A sincere apology that comes from the heart allows you to know that you are not proud of what you did and, therefore, will not repeat that same behaviour. It does not matter if we hurt someone intentionally or accidentally, we have to take responsibility and apologise sincerely. By owning up our mistakes, we have the chance to rebuild trust or validate experiences and heal wounds. When we refuse to take ownership or responsibility, we ignore the consequences of our actions and lessen the safety of the relationship and ultimately deepen the hurt.
IS IT IMPORTANT TO SAY SORRY?
One may ask this question; Is it important to say sorry? The answer is hundred times yes and it is important to do so. Depending on how much you harmed, hurt or offended the person, it can be very important, recognising though that an apology is not enough because it does not repair the damage or absolve you from the consequences of your action. However, if you genuinely regret what you did, then saying so to the person you harmed is a good start. There is the need for one to take responsibility for what he or she did and do what is necessary to make things better. Saying that you are really sorry, merely shows that, you are for the rest of it. The fact is, you don’t have to say sorry if you don’t mean it or if you are not prepared to back it up with any meaningful action, otherwise you will defeat the essence of the apology which then becomes meaningless.
APOLOGY IN MARRIAGES
For instance, couples who are courting for marriage, find life interesting or pleasing, forward looking and enjoyable in their relationship with little or no problem to manage because of the intense love and affection for each other. However, if they enter into real marriage, blessed and sealed through the Marriage Ordinance Act which becomes lawful, there the problem starts at times when they move to their matrimonial homes to start life afresh. Some go to the extent of insulting and abusing each other, at times more physically, resulting in physical injuries. As a result of some of these needless infractions, in marriages, you see the bride running for cover at their parents’ abode, forgetting the vows they took ‘For Better for Worse’ in the cause of their marriage.
In real terms in marriage life, it is during this stage that the couples must realise that they need to apply the essence of apology to resolve their grievances in order to stay intact and for their marriage to flourish. There is no need for any blame game whatsoever and one of them must sacrifice by saying sorry to the other so that they can move on in their marriage. It is only in a matter of physical attack on each other that demands an arbitration from external sources. Even in such cases, they need to recognise their shortcomings and mistakes and say sorry to each other.
It is a fact that, we at times struggle to overcome our pride which is not healthy and the best way to go. Sometimes, it is very important to express remorse and say sorry for the little thing or infraction to strengthen our relationship with each other or one another.
APOLOGY IN EMPLOYMENT
In the case of employment where an employee goes contrary to the rules of an establishment, he or she must own up to the management of the establishment and apologise sincerely for the infraction, even if he or she is served with a query to answer. Management must also tamper justice with mercy and accept the apology of the employee if the offence is not grievous and can be managed.
It is also important for friends and other relations to cultivate the habit of apologising by saying sorry when they offend one another so that peace can prevail. Taking intransigent positions and actions, can lead to bad situations that may be regretted later.
Yes, like my colleague argued it out, she cannot own up and apologise for something she did not do. She cannot be faulted for saying so. However, in certain situations which call for peace, if apology will lead to that cause, why can we not say so, to bring about that needed peace.
The Holy Scripture tells us that, sometimes, we might offend or sin against friends and family members and if this happens, Christians are to confess our sins to God and apologise to that person. Everything we do must be sincere. A true friend would fix their relationship with others instead of keeping pride and stubbornness in their hearts. Don’t let guilt linger in your heart. Go and apologise and make things right.
I will end this piece by quoting from the Holy Bible, Mathew 6:15 which states that, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father in Heaven will not forgive you your sins”.
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BY CHARLES NEEQUAYE
THE state of feeling rejected, could be a terrifying experience especially for those who have become used to fame. If not properly addressed, it could lead to depression and the consequences, could be disastrous.
When you are on top of your game in whatever profession you find yourself such that you become famous, a lot of people try to associate with you. The phone never ceases to ring and one is tempted to feel loved and very important.
When a disaster strikes and the fame or the money which was the source of the attraction fades away, the circle of friends and fans begin to shrink and the phone will start to stop ringing until the call stops voting completely.
You will be shocked at how people you considered friends, will no longer be calling you or pay casual visits as they used to. You will begin to notice that messages you leave after calling them and not getting a response are not replied to and that is when you begin to know who your true friends are.
One of the most popular movie stars was an actress called Sharon Stone. In an interview with one of the media houses that was published, she spoke about how people who should have come around to encourage her in her moment of depression, shunned her. The calls stopped coming.
This is what the Bible admonishes that the arm of flesh will fail you and therefore we should put our trust in God. It could be a very frightening experience and can easily lead to depression.
Human nature being what it is, people will want to get close if things are okay. Everybody wants to associate themselves with interesting things, famous people, rich people etc for mainly selfish reasons.
We need to develop the habit of putting our trust in God and relying less on human beings. The lesson we have to take along in life is that, no one marries his or her enemy so how come people who took vows that they will love each other become so hostile to each other that they want to go their separate ways in life? Such is the reality of life.
It is therefore prudent for people to recognise that, life is full of uncertainties and so there is the need to prepare your mind for uncertainties so that when they occur, they do not disorganise your mental sanity.
A lot of people have experienced situations where people who they could have sworn will never betray their trust have disappointed them when they were through challenging moments.
If there is one thing famous people should desire, it should be the ability to identify who are true friends are. Countless stories abound regarding incidence of celebrities who have lost their shine and their wives divorcing them soon after.
It is sometimes useful as a famous or rich person to sign a prenuptial agreement before marriage to safeguard or protect yourself from any future unpleasant surprises.
People can be very pretentious these days, it goes both ways. There is this real life story where a man married a divorced wealthy woman and convinced her to sell her house so they could build a new one together, with the excuse that people are gossiping that he is being housed by a woman.
The woman agreed and they put up a new building. After a few years the man asked for a divorce, only for the woman to realise that the land on which the building was situated, was bought in the man’s name.
This can drive a person insane, if you are not mentally tough and this happens to you. When people hear that you are homeless, a lot of your so-called friends will stop calling, so that you do not become a burden on them.
By Laud Kissi-Mensah
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‘But, er …. I don’t even know your name’.
‘Paul. Paul Allotey. I’m Sarah, by the way. Paul, why don’t you leave me here, since this is the last important thing I’m doing today’.
‘Okay. Now Sarah. I was just thinking. You will be here at the cafe for about an hour. By then it will be about twelve thirty. Then, you would be thinking of buying yourself some lunch, to eat here or to take home. So if you would please allow me, I will take you to one of the nicest eating places in town, and after you have sorted that one out, then I can drop you home. Just that one errand, then I won’t bother you again’.
‘You are not bothering me at all. You are being very kind to me. And I just realised you are a mind reader too. The last item on my agenda was lunch’.
‘I’m so glad I appeared at your doorstep, just in time’.
‘Okay. Now Paul, since you say the cafe is a comfortable place, let’s go in together, and you can do your work while I get my application done’.
‘Okay, Sarah. Thanks. Let’s go’.
We got back in the car at eleven forty-five.
‘So where are we going, Paul?’
‘To Royalty restaurant. It’s a twenty minute drive away’.
‘So, do you enjoy your job?’
‘Most certainly. I won’t change it, not even to be President. And am I right to say that you are preparing to enter the university?’
‘That’s my plan. I hope it works’.
‘It will, if you are determined, and disciplined. You look very much like a disciplined person’.
‘Thank you very much’.
We arrived at Royalty in twenty-five minutes, ‘You are joining me for lunch, Paul’.
‘Thanks for the honour, Sarah. But the bill is on me’.
‘Aren’t you taking on too much for one day?’
‘I never do anything that is bigger than me, Sarah’.
Over the next hour and a half, we discussed fashion, local and international politics, and sports, as we ate and relaxed. Finally, he drove me to the shop.
‘I will never forget you, Paul’.
‘I’m glad to have been helpful. But if you don’t mind, I’ll say it again, your husband is extremely lucky. You are really beautiful’.
‘Thanks again. But do you mind if I call you sometime in the future?’
‘Certainly not. Let me write it here. I will not ask for your number, for obvious reasons. But I will be looking forward to hearing from you. And hopefully, I will see you next month, when I call to drop your bill’.
‘Okay Paul. See you then’. What a lovely day, I said to myself as I opened the front door. I closed the shop and got home by seven. I went straight to the bedroom, stood in the mirror and took a good look at myself. ‘You are a very beautiful woman, Sarah. Never forget that’. I will not forget that, again.
Over the next several weeks, Martin and I had very little to do with each other. In the morning he ate his breakfast and after a shabby ‘I’m going’, he left. He came home around eight at the earliest, ate his dinner and, already soaked in beer, went off to sleep.
He spent the greater part of the weekends at the club house with his friends, playing tennis and partying. My mind was focused on furthering my education, so I didn’t complain to him, and didn’t bother to inform my parents about what was happening. I had decided that I would only take action if he lifted his hand against me again. I spent my free time reading all manner of interesting stuff on the internet, and chatting with my sister on WhatsApp.
One evening, he came home at about eight, rushed to the bedroom and rushed out. An envelope, obviously containing money, dropped out of his pocket, and I picked it up and followed him. I was going to call him and give it to him, but I noticed that there was a young woman in the car, so I went back in, counted it and put it in a drawer in the hall. He came back after some ten minutes.
‘Excuse me, I dropped an envelope containing money. You must have seen it’.
‘Yes, I saw it. Actually, I followed you, and was about to call you and hand it over to you when I realised that there was a woman in the car, so I came back in. I counted it. One thousand cedis.
‘Well let me have it. I have to be going’.
‘I will let you have it if you will tell me who the woman in the car is, and why you are going to give her that amount of money’.
‘Listen, if you waste my time, I will teach you a lesson you will never forget. Give me the money now!’
‘Here’s what we will do, Martin. I know you will give money to her anyway, so I will give it to you, if you will withdraw the threat you just issued. But I want you to know that I will be taking some steps from tomorrow. Things are getting out of hand’.
‘Okay, I’m sorry I threatened you. Can you please give me the money’. I handed it over to him, and he ran out’.
The following morning, I waited for him to finish having breakfast, and told him I wanted to have a word with him urgently.
‘You better be quick. You know I’m going to work’.
‘Well, I want to inform you that I will inform my parents, and your parents, about the situation in this house. As I said yesterday, things are getting out of hand. You spend most of your time drinking. You get drunk every evening, and through the weekend. And you are also spending your time and money on a prostitute’.
‘How dare you? One more stupid word from you …’
‘Am I lying, Martin? You have just started life, yet you are behaving like a rich, elderly man who has already seen his children through university, and can afford a life of fun. As I said, I’m going to inform our parents. Maybe your parents can straighten you out before it is too late’.
‘Look, we can talk this evening. It’s nothing like what you are saying’. He walked away, shocked.
That evening, I was expecting to have a meaningful discussion with him, but his mother called early in the evening to offer me some ‘advice’. Her son had called to say that certain developments at home were disturbing him so much that they were beginning to affect his work.
And, ‘as a loving mother to her daughter’, she was advising me to submit to my husband, and support him in prayer, and not ‘drive him from home’. Men would always be men, and she was telling me ‘from experience’ that no matter how much time Martin stayed away from home, he would always come home to me.
She had been a young wife before, so she understood the challenges I was facing. So I could be assured that if I followed her advice, all would be well. And, of course, she didn’t allow me to tell my side of the story.
Martin came home very late, and very drunk. And from the next morning, he carried on as before. With some hesitation, I called my dad and told him all that had gone on.
‘Well, my daughter. I’m not going to say “I told you so”. I was only trying to protect you. So here’s what we’ll do. Continue doing the best you can, and try not to give him any excuse to harm you, but if things continue to deteriorate, I will take you back.
A couple of days later, my cousin Dinah arrived in Accra from Brussels, having completed her medical course. With Martin’s agreement, I went to Koforidua and spent a couple of days. I spent most of the time chatting about her experiences in the US, but we also discussed my relationship with Martin, and she endorsed Dad’s decision to take action if Martin’s behaviour did not change after two weeks Elaine informed Mom and Dad. We endorsed Dad’s decision to take action if there was no change in two weeks.
Dinah returned with me to Takoradi. Her plan was to spend a couple of weeks, and return to Accra to be posted. I called Paul Allotey, and asked if he would meet her for lunch and, if possible, show her some interesting spots. Delighted, he suggested that we meet at Royalty the next day.
I told Martin about it, to remove any possibility of future disagreement over ‘going out with men’.
‘It’s fine with me’, he said, ‘if, of all the people who could show your sister round this town, you chose a borla man. Doesn’t that indicate the kind of person you are?’
‘ First of all, Martin’, I’ve spoken to him a few times, and he comes across as a decent guy, so I think it is rather unfortunate that you are writing him off when you don’t know him’.
By Ekow de Heer
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