A drunk man comes home late. His wife sees him and angrily exclaims, “Are you drunk again?!”

The man shakes his head and answers, “No, I am not drunk!”

“Okay, then prove it. There’s a clock over there. Can you tell the time?”

“Of course I can!” says the man.

He turns toward the clock and screams, “Hey! I am not drunk!”

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.

Justice is a dish best served cold. Otherwise, it’s just water.

What do call a criminal landing an airplane? Condescending.

Why should you never throw grandpa’s false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.

Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting? They always drop their needles.

What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don’t hate me because I’m a little cooler.

Did you hear about the fragile myth? It was busted.

I can always tell when someone is lying. I can tell when they’re standing too.

Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken.