Obaa Yaa
Is it wrong for a father to bath a daughter?
Dear Obaa Yaa
My husband and I have two children – a six-year-old boy and a four-year-old girl. Since our daughter was born, my husband has taken responsibility for bathing our son and getting him ready for school. However, when it comes to our daughter, he refuses to help.
Even when I am exhausted, unwell or running late from work, he will bathe the boy but leave the girl for me.
His reason was that he is a man and therefore should not bathe his daughter.
The situation has also begun to affect our daughter and sometimes cries.
I understand that people have different cultural beliefs and personal boundaries, but I am struggling to understand my husband’s position.
Is there an unwritten cultural or religious taboo that prevents a father from bathing his own daughter?
More importantly, how can I handle this situation without creating conflict in our marriage while also making sure that both children feel equally loved, cared for and valued by their father?
What should I do?
Lizzy, Oda
Koforidua.
Dear Lizzy,
There is nothing inherently wrong with a father helping to bathe his young daughter. In many families, fathers care for, bathe, dress and attend to both sons and daughters when they are young.
Your husband’s discomfort may come from his cultural upbringing, personal beliefs about gender, religious interpretation, or simply a boundary he has chosen for himself.
However, that does not mean you should be left carrying the entire responsibility for your daughter, especially when you are working, cooking and sometimes unwell.
Don’t raise the issue while he is bathing your son or while your daughter is crying. Explain calmly that the concern is not simply about bathing; it is about sharing parental responsibilities fairly.
If it is cultural, discuss whether that tradition is something both of you genuinely want to follow in your household.
Pay attention to your daughter’s feelings. Explain to her how daddy loves and adore her and the brother.
The bigger problem appears to be that your husband’s gender boundary has resulted in you becoming solely responsible for your daughter, even when you are sick or exhausted. That needs to change.
My husband and I have two children – a six-year-old boy and a four-year-old girl. Since our daughter was born, my husband has taken responsibility for bathing our son and getting him ready for school. However, when it comes to our daughter, he refuses to help.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I am a girl, 23 years old, just completed National Service. I have always been a good girl at home. Last month, I decided to pierce my nose and also got a second piercing in my ear because all my friends have it and it looks beautiful in fashion. I also wear short dresses sometimes when going out with friends.
Since then, my mother has been calling me a bad girl and calling me names.
My father said if I don’t remove the nose ring, I should leave his house because no decent Ghanaian girl dresses like that. My mother even said no serious man will marry me if I dress like that. Obaa Yaa, I feel hurt. I am not a bad girl, I just like fashion. Is it wrong for a lady to pierce her nose? How do I make my parents understand me?
Efua, Adjiringanor
Dear Efua,
Thank you for your honest letter. Many young ladies at your age are going through this same battle between modern fashion and traditional values.
Let me be honest with you. Fashion is not bad. Looking good is not a sin but decency is also part of beauty.
Piercing your nose does not make you a bad girl. Your character makes you who you are. However, you must also understand your parents. They grew up at a time where a nose ring, multiple ear piercings and very short dresses were seen as a sign of rebellion. So when they see it on you, they become afraid that you are joining bad company.
You are not wayward. But true beauty is when your fashion and your decency walk together. You will be fine.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I am a young woman who has worked hard to become independent, but I am now facing a family problem that is putting me under pressure.
My mother has three children with three different men, and I am the eldest. Over the years, she has struggled to raise us, and I have always understood how difficult things have been for her.
At 46, my mother found another man and decided to start a new relationship. I had no problem with her finding love again, but when she announced that she was pregnant, I could not hide my disappointment.
I asked her why she wanted another child at her age when she had already struggled to raise the three of us. I was worried about how she would cope with the responsibility of raising another baby.
One weekend, my mother called and told me she wanted to visit me with my little sister. I welcomed them and prepared a place for both of them to sleep.
The following morning, I woke up to discover that my mother had left without saying anything to me. I immediately called her to find out where she had gone and why she had left the baby behind.
She told me to find a school for my little sister and begin taking care of her, insisting that the child was now more my responsibility than hers.
I am not against helping my family, but I never agreed to raise another child.
Obaa Yaa, am I wrong for refusing to raise my little sister?
Ama kofrom,
Dear Ama,
You are not an uncaring sister for refusing to take such a responsibility.
From your story, it is clear that you have a good heart.
Your mother’s decision to leave the baby in your care without your consent was unfair. Parenthood is a serious responsibility, and having another child means being prepared to provide for that child’s needs. Your mother should not assume that because you are working and earning an income, you are automatically available to raise another child.
Being the eldest does not mean you must sacrifice your entire life to solve every problem in your family.
You can love your sister and be a supportive elder sibling without becoming her primary caregiver.
Speak to your mother calmly. Explain that you are willing to support the baby in ways you can, but not full responsibility.
If your mother has already left the baby with you, please do not leave the child unattended to.
Find a way to resolve the disagreement for all parties to be happy.
