Obaa Yaa
My mother is stressing me
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I am a young woman who has worked hard to become independent, but I am now facing a family problem that is putting me under pressure.
My mother has three children with three different men, and I am the eldest. Over the years, she has struggled to raise us, and I have always understood how difficult things have been for her.
At 46, my mother found another man and decided to start a new relationship. I had no problem with her finding love again, but when she announced that she was pregnant, I could not hide my disappointment.
I asked her why she wanted another child at her age when she had already struggled to raise the three of us. I was worried about how she would cope with the responsibility of raising another baby.
One weekend, my mother called and told me she wanted to visit me with my little sister. I welcomed them and prepared a place for both of them to sleep.
The following morning, I woke up to discover that my mother had left without saying anything to me. I immediately called her to find out where she had gone and why she had left the baby behind.
She told me to find a school for my little sister and begin taking care of her, insisting that the child was now more my responsibility than hers.
I am not against helping my family, but I never agreed to raise another child.
Obaa Yaa, am I wrong for refusing to raise my little sister?
Ama kofrom,
Dear Ama,
You are not an uncaring sister for refusing to take such a responsibility.
From your story, it is clear that you have a good heart.
Your mother’s decision to leave the baby in your care without your consent was unfair. Parenthood is a serious responsibility, and having another child means being prepared to provide for that child’s needs. Your mother should not assume that because you are working and earning an income, you are automatically available to raise another child.
Being the eldest does not mean you must sacrifice your entire life to solve every problem in your family.
You can love your sister and be a supportive elder sibling without becoming her primary caregiver.
Speak to your mother calmly. Explain that you are willing to support the baby in ways you can, but not full responsibility.
If your mother has already left the baby with you, please do not leave the child unattended to.
Find a way to resolve the disagreement for all parties to be happy.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I am a girl, 23 years old, just completed National Service. I have always been a good girl at home. Last month, I decided to pierce my nose and also got a second piercing in my ear because all my friends have it and it looks beautiful in fashion. I also wear short dresses sometimes when going out with friends.
Since then, my mother has been calling me a bad girl and calling me names.
My father said if I don’t remove the nose ring, I should leave his house because no decent Ghanaian girl dresses like that. My mother even said no serious man will marry me if I dress like that. Obaa Yaa, I feel hurt. I am not a bad girl, I just like fashion. Is it wrong for a lady to pierce her nose? How do I make my parents understand me?
Efua, Adjiringanor
Dear Efua,
Thank you for your honest letter. Many young ladies at your age are going through this same battle between modern fashion and traditional values.
Let me be honest with you. Fashion is not bad. Looking good is not a sin but decency is also part of beauty.
Piercing your nose does not make you a bad girl. Your character makes you who you are. However, you must also understand your parents. They grew up at a time where a nose ring, multiple ear piercings and very short dresses were seen as a sign of rebellion. So when they see it on you, they become afraid that you are joining bad company.
You are not wayward. But true beauty is when your fashion and your decency walk together. You will be fine.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I AM 30 years old and the firstborn of three girls. Our mother died six months ago and since then, things have changed in our house.
I travelled for two weeks for work and when I returned, my younger sister, who is 24 years old, had moved all her things into my room. She said our mother gave her the room before she died, which I know is not true. Our mother left no such instruction before she died.
When I confronted her, she insulted me and told me that if I wanted peace, I should move to the boys’ quarters. Our father is not helping; he says we should not bring family matters outside.
I am hurt and angry. This was my mother’s house and I have been taking care of her before she died. How do I handle this without fighting my own blood sister?
First Born, Tema
Dear First Born,
I AM sorry for the loss of your mother. Grief is already hard, and family conflict makes it heavier.
I understand your pain. You sacrificed for your mother, and now you feel disrespected in your own home.
Please do not fight your sister physically or with insults. Once you fight, the family bond may be difficult to repair.
Don’t fight over the room; fight for peace. For now, manage with another space in the house if you can. Winning a room and losing your sister is not a true win.
Call a family meeting. You cannot do this alone. Invite a respected elder in the family, an uncle, auntie or your church elder whom your father and sister respect. Let them sit both of you down and discuss the matter fairly.
Since your mother left no will, everything should be discussed openly. Talk to your father separately. Your father said he does not want family matters outside, which may mean he still wants unity.
Talk to him calmly, one-on-one, and not when you are angry. Tell him how hurt you feel, not just that your sister is wrong.
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