Fruitful Living
Protecting the Muslim home in the modern age • Communication, addiction, temptation, marital fidelity (Part 2)
“So fear Allah concerning women. Indeed, you have taken them as a trust from Allah, and their private parts have become lawful to you by the word of Allah.
You have rights over them: that they should not allow anyone whom you dislike to enter your beds. If they do that, then admonish them and discipline them without causing harm. And they have rights over you: their provision and clothing according to what is reasonable.”
Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim, Kitāb al-Ḥajj, ḥadīth 1218, in the lengthy narration of Jābir ibn ʿAbdullāh describing the Prophet’s Farewell Pilgrimage.
The modern Muslim home
The Muslim family today is living in a very different environment from previous generations.
Our grandparents had problems.
Our parents had problems.
We also have problems.
But today we have something they did not have. For instance:
Technology that can enter the home without opening the door
A person can sit beside his or her spouse and simultaneously communicate with hundreds of people around the world.
A person can be physically present at home but emotionally somewhere else.
A husband can be sitting next to his wife while emotionally attached to someone on his phone.
A wife can be sitting beside her husband while comparing her marriage with carefully edited marriages she sees on social media.
A young person can access sexual material within seconds.
A married person can secretly communicate with an old romantic partner without anyone knowing.
A person can lose money through betting without physically entering a betting shop.
This means that modern marriage requires something our predecessors also needed, but which we must now consciously develop: STRONGER PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.
The “third party” in modern marriage
Traditionally, when people talked about threats to marriage, they talked about another person.
Today, the third party may be:
• A smartphone
• Social media
• Pornography
• Betting
• Online friendships
• Private messaging
• Gaming
• An old romantic partner
• An emotional attachment
• Work
• Endless entertainment
We should therefore ask ourselves:
Who or what receives the best of my attention?
Is it my spouse?
My children?
My parents?
Allah?
Or my phone?
Sometimes the marriage does not collapse because there is no love.
Sometimes it begins to collapse because attention has been diverted elsewhere.
Communication: The lifeline of marriage
One of the most common causes of marital distress is communication breakdown.
Communication is not simply talking.
There is a difference between:
Speaking and communicating.
Hearing and listening.
Responding and understanding.
A husband may say: “I told you what I wanted.”
The author is the Chief Imam of Katamanso Municipal and Certified Counsellor and Governor Expert.
6. Gossip
In some countries there is an unspoken rule that you can say whatever you want about someone as long as you follow it with, “Bless his/her heart!” I am as guilty of this as anyone. We like to talk about other people’s lives as if we live in their heads and know everything about them. This is something “churchy” people are constantly accused of, and is often the result of a judgemental attitude (covered below). Why won’t the woman who had an abortion come to your church? Because she’s afraid of the looks you’ll give her and the distance at which you will keep her. The same could be said for the pregnant 16-year-old or the man who cheated on his wife. Sure, it’s nice to escape our own issues by talking about someone else’s for a while, but let’s try to remember to speak with grace and that our sin is just as sinful as anyone else’s. – Galatians 6:1 – 5
7. Hatred
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells us what we already know – that murder is wrong – but he follows that up by saying that anyone who has harbored hatred towards someone has committed murder in his heart. Hatred is connected intimately with fear. We fear people we don’t understand and that fear causes us to hate them irrationally. The general attitude towards all Muslims based on the acts of a small sect is a perfect example of this. We also tend to harbor hatred against those who have hurt us. We constantly need to be searching our heart and monitoring our thoughts and feelings.
8. Judgement
This one is the kicker. This is what will be the death of our faith and our influence. I know that Paul tells the churches to expel sinners from their midst. He encourages us not to indulge someone in sinful behavior. We use those verses to justify judgement of others and I believe this is a gross misinterpretation of scripture. Yes, we are to hold each other accountable, but I would never deign to call out a stranger or even an acquaintance on some perceived sin. I will hold my husband accountable, as he does for me. I know he loves me, so when he gently rebukes an action of mine I know that he is only encouraging me to better myself, just as I do the same for him. That is what Paul is talking about when he says to hold fellow brothers and sisters accountable in love. He is not talking about condemning others. Every time a Christian judges someone based on skin color, sexual orientation, gender, socioeconomic status, promiscuity (the list goes on, you get the idea), then they are acknowledging the belief that they are better than that person. The truth of Jesus is in our equality. We are all sinners in need of a Savior. Christians have accepted Christ and avoided condemnation based on faith and the grace of God. We do not avoid condemnation based on our own actions. Every time we think less of someone else, we forget that we are also sinners. Paul himself claimed that he was the “worst of all sinners.” If Paul considers himself the worst sinner – a man who dedicated his life to spreading the gospel of Christ and who wrote most of the New Testament – how much more of a sinner am I? The only way to avoid this sin is to acknowledge our own weaknesses and to embrace humility. In fact, that could help us avoid a multitude of sins.
End Note
We are called to be one another’s keeper and to strengthen one another. We can only achieve this when we allow the Holy Spirit to be our Helper as Jesus tells us in John 16:7-11. The Holy Spirit is more than ready to help us because: Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him- Philippians 2:12-13 (NLT)
- This article was inspired by a devotional I found on the net.
- SKIP THE QUEUE, TAP THE NEWS
You can now read the Ghanaian Times and The Spectator newspapers from the comfort of your device via TimesNewsPlus.
Buy Maps
Join our WhatsApp Channel: https://whatsapp.com/channel/0029VbBElzjInlqHhl1aTU27
Fruitful Living
Protecting the Muslim home in the modern age: Communication, addiction, temptation, marital fidelity
All praise belongs to Allah, the Lord of the worlds. We praise Him, seek His help and forgiveness, and place our trust in Him. We seek refuge in Allah from the evil within ourselves and from the Consequences of our deeds.
May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon our beloved Prophet Muhammad s.a.w, his family, his Companions and all those who follow his guidance until the Day of Judgment?
As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa raḥmatullāhi wa barakātuh.
It is a great privilege to bring you this important topic for discussion.
Our subject today is:
“Protecting the Muslim Home in the Modern Age: Communication, Addiction, Temptation and Marital Fidelity.”
This is not simply a lecture about marriage.
It is a conversation about human beings, emotions, faith, choices, technology, temptation, responsibility and the future of our families.
And because I speak both as an Imam and as a certified counsellor, I want us to approach today’s discussion from two complementary perspectives:
The perspective of revelation and the perspective of human behaviour.
Islam gives us guidance about what is right and wrong.
Counselling helps us understand why people sometimes struggle to do what is right, how unhealthy patterns develop, and how people can be helped to change.
We therefore need both.
The foundation: what is marriage in Islam?
Before we discuss marital problems, we must first understand what marriage is supposed to accomplish.
Allah says:
“And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may
find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Surely in this are signs
for people who reflect.” (Qur’an 30:21)
Notice three extraordinary words:
1. SAKĪNAH – Tranquillity.
2. MAWADDAH – Affection and loving attachment.
3. RAḤMAH – Mercy, compassion and tenderness.
A successful marriage therefore should provide: Peace + Love + Mercy. (Quran 30:21)
Marriage is not merely: “I found someone attractive.”
Marriage is not: “I want someone to cook for me.”
Marriage is not: “I need somebody to have children with.”
Marriage is not simply: “I don’t want to be lonely.”
Marriage is an amanah — a trust from Allah.
Your spouse is an amanah.
Your children are an amanah.
Your sexuality is an amanah.
Your wealth is an amanah.
Your words are an amanah.
Your private conversations are an amanah.
And your marriage will ultimately be part of what you are accountable for before Allah.
There is a well-known Ḥadīth of Jābir ibn ʿAbdullāh, in which the Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) addressed the Muslims during the Farewell Pilgrimage and spoke about the rights and responsibilities concerning women.
The author is the Chief Imam of Katamanso Municipal and Certified Counsellor and Governor Expert
