Obaa Yaa
Her father is against our marriage
Dear ObaaYaa,
I am a banker in one of the reputable firm in the country. I have dated a lady who is also a caterer for the past four years and now want to get married.
Both of us finally decided meet her dad. And to my surprise, her father is against our marriage for no reason.
Surprisingly, my girlfriend sides with her dad, but she tells me she doesn’t know why he doesn’t agree. Or maybe it has been the plan all along for her not to marry me.
I’ve invested a lot in this relationship; rent, her business, my duty of care, and even healthcare, but they still say no.
Should I fight back? She’s living in a place I rented. Should I take my room back if she’s not going to explain? Or should I just be patient and see how it goes? I’m hurt, frustrated.
Safo, Takyiman.
Dear Safo,
The most important thing here is not the money you’ve spent or the support you’ve given. Marriage requires two willing people and, usually, the support of their families.
Her father’s refusal is not the biggest issue. Parents sometimes object to relationships for cultural, religious, family, or personal reasons. The bigger concern is that after four years together, your girlfriend is not being open with you about why.
Don’t “fight back” by taking revenge. If you rented the place solely for her and decide to end the relationship, you can make arrangements regarding the accommodation in a respectful and lawful manner. However, using the room or financial support as a weapon will only create more conflict and won’t solve the real problem.
Give them time to explain, but not forever. If weeks or months pass without a clear answer, you may need to accept that they have made their decision.
Protect your dignity. A person who wants to marry you will usually work with you to overcome obstacles. If your girlfriend refuses to explain and continues to support her father’s decision without discussion, that is valuable information about where you stand.
My advice is to remain calm, request a direct explanation, and make your next decision based on her response. If she cannot give you an honest feedaback, it may be wiser to step away than to keep investing your time, emotions, and resources in a relationship with no clear future.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I AM 30 years old and the firstborn of three girls. Our mother died six months ago and since then, things have changed in our house.
I travelled for two weeks for work and when I returned, my younger sister, who is 24 years old, had moved all her things into my room. She said our mother gave her the room before she died, which I know is not true. Our mother left no such instruction before she died.
When I confronted her, she insulted me and told me that if I wanted peace, I should move to the boys’ quarters. Our father is not helping; he says we should not bring family matters outside.
I am hurt and angry. This was my mother’s house and I have been taking care of her before she died. How do I handle this without fighting my own blood sister?
First Born, Tema
Dear First Born,
I AM sorry for the loss of your mother. Grief is already hard, and family conflict makes it heavier.
I understand your pain. You sacrificed for your mother, and now you feel disrespected in your own home.
Please do not fight your sister physically or with insults. Once you fight, the family bond may be difficult to repair.
Don’t fight over the room; fight for peace. For now, manage with another space in the house if you can. Winning a room and losing your sister is not a true win.
Call a family meeting. You cannot do this alone. Invite a respected elder in the family, an uncle, auntie or your church elder whom your father and sister respect. Let them sit both of you down and discuss the matter fairly.
Since your mother left no will, everything should be discussed openly. Talk to your father separately. Your father said he does not want family matters outside, which may mean he still wants unity.
Talk to him calmly, one-on-one, and not when you are angry. Tell him how hurt you feel, not just that your sister is wrong.
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Dear Obaa Yaa,
FOR the past year, my mother has been complaining of one sickness after another. Whenever she called to tell me she was in the hospital, she would say the doctor had prescribed some medicines and ask me to send her money. I always did because I believed she was genuinely sick and needed my help.
A few weeks later, she would call again, claiming her condition had worsened. Sometimes it was high blood sugar or high blood pressure, and recently, she complained of sciatica. No matter how much money I sent, there was always another sickness and another medical bill to pay.
I eventually asked her to come to Accra so I could take her to the hospital for a comprehensive medical examination. However, she always had an excuse. She would say her knees hurt too much for her to sit in a car for that long or that her blood pressure was dangerously high.
Every month, I sent her at least GH₵5,000 for medical expenses. The situation became so exhausting that I sometimes stopped answering her calls because I already knew what she wanted to discuss.
Whenever I finally picked up, she would make me feel guilty for not answering.
One day, my aunt called and told me she had something important to share. She sent me a voice recording and warned me not to tell my mother about it.
I was shocked when I listened to the recording. My mother was boasting to someone that she had deliberately refused to come to Accra because she knew I would discover the truth about her supposed illnesses and stop sending her money.
What hurt me most was hearing her say, “If she heals all my sicknesses, what will I eat?”
I was devastated and furious. For an entire week, I refused to answer her calls. When I eventually picked up, she immediately started asking why I wanted her to die.
This time, I could not keep quiet.
Obaa Yaa, am I wrong to stop supporting my mother financially after discovering what she has allegedly been doing? Should I forgive her and give her another chance, or should I maintain my distance to protect myself from further manipulation?
Efe, Accra
Dear Efe,
I CAN understand your anger, disappointment and sense of betrayal. Sending your mother at least GH₵5,000 every month because you believe she is unwell is a significant financial commitment.
Discovering a recording in which she allegedly admits to deliberately avoiding a medical examination so she can continue receiving money from you would understandably hurt you deeply.
The situation is particularly painful because this is your mother, someone you naturally expect to be honest with you.
However, I would advise you not to make your next decision purely out of anger. You have every right to protect yourself from financial and emotional manipulation, but you should also consider the kind of relationship you want to have with your mother in the future.
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