Obaa Yaa
My mother’s presence at home is a worry to my boyfriend
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Dear Obaa Yaa,
My boyfriend rented an apartment for me at a time when I desperately needed a place to stay. Since then, it has become our sanctuary.
He comes over on some evenings and weekends, sometimes spending the night and other times just relaxing before leaving.
He has his own set of keys, so he doesn’t even need to call before coming.
Everything changed four months ago when my mum fell seriously ill. And since the hospital she attends is not far from where I live, I brought her to come and stay with me as she receives her medical care.
Since then, she has remained here with me. Her condition has not been stable; she gets better today and the condition gets bad later.
The problem is that my boyfriend no longer feels comfortable coming around. He can’t spend the night here like he used to, and he keeps asking me when my mother will be leaving.
I usually tell him, I don’t have an answer due to her condition. Sometimes, he gets upset, and although I manage to calm him down, I can tell his patience is running out.
My rent expires in just three months, and I don’t have the money to renew it. I’ve always depended on him to pay the rent, but now I am afraid he may refuse to renew it because he feels my mother has taken over the space he provided for us.
The pressure is becoming unbearable, and I feel like I’m running out of time. What should I do to protect my mother and save my relationship?
Baaba, Cape Coast.
Dear Baaba,
The first thing to remember is that your mother is ill and needs care. It would be difficult, and perhaps unfair, to send her away simply because it is affecting your relationship.
At the same time, your boyfriend’s feelings are understandable. He rented the apartment expecting it to be a place where the two of you could spend time together, but that has changed with no end in sight.
The best step is to have an honest, calm conversation with your boyfriend. Explain it to him that your mother’s stay was never meant to replace him or take over the apartment. Make him understand that it is a temporary response to a medical emergency, not a sign that you value him any less. Let him know you appreciate everything he has done for you and that you understand the sacrifices he has made.
You should also begin planning for the rent now instead of waiting until it expires. Explore whether you can contribute something towards it, seek help from family, or find another source of income. Depending entirely on one person for housing can leave you vulnerable if circumstances change.
Finally, pay attention to how your boyfriend responds after you’ve had an open conversation. A caring partner may be disappointed by the situation, but he should also show compassion for someone caring for a sick parent. Likewise, your needs matter too.
Dear Obaa Yaa,
I am a young man sharing a rented apartment with three other guys. We rented the place together because we are all students and currently on vacation.
Recently, two of the guys travelled to their hometown, leaving only two of us in the apartment. The problem started when the other roommate brought a lady to the house. At first, I thought she was only visiting, but she has now been staying with us for several days and appears to be living here.
I have spoken to my roommate and asked him to ask the lady to leave because I am uncomfortable having someone who was not part of our original arrangement living in the apartment but he refused.
His argument is that he contributed his share of the rent, so he has the right to decide who stays with him. He says that since his money helped us secure the apartment, I cannot tell him what to do with his portion of the house.
The situation is becoming uncomfortable, and I do not want this disagreement to destroy our friendship. I also do not want to appear controlling or disrespectful.
Please, Obaa Yaa, am I wrong to ask him to send the lady away?
Nana Yaw Frimpong, Accra
Dear Nana Yaw Frimpong,
You are not wrong for feeling uncomfortable. The main issue is not that your roommate has a girlfriend; it is that a shared apartment is being used by an additional person without the agreement of the other people who live there.
Paying his share of the rent gives him rights as a tenant, but it does not automatically mean he can unilaterally turn a shared apartment into a place where his partner also lives.
Don’t make it a fight between you and the girlfriend. She is not the main problem. Your disagreement is with your roommate.
Have a calm conversation with him. Tell him that you respect his relationship, but having someone stay for several days is different from having a visitor for an evening.
Speak to the other roommates. Since they are temporarily away, don’t make a permanent decision on their behalf; they should at least know what is happening.
Set a clear boundary rather than issuing an ultimatum. You can say that you are not comfortable with an additional person becoming a permanent occupant unless all the tenants agree.
If he continues to refuse any discussion, you may have to decide whether the friendship is worth enduring an arrangement that makes you uncomfortable or whether, when the tenancy ends, you should live separately.
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Dear Obaa Yaa,
I was 22 when Kofi and I got married. For 30 years we have toiled together.
As part of our hustling, Kofi my husband left for his ‘troski’ business at 4am while I cooked kenkey and sold it by the roadside. Every cedi that didn’t go to food went into a ‘Susu’ box under our bed.
We decided to build a house together. I carried water for the mortar. Kofi mixed it. We bought cement in bits. First the foundation, then the block house with four rooms and a shop downstairs.
Though we couldn’t make babies, Kofi loved me and gave me peace.
Kofi died out of stroke last year and life has not been easy.
One week after we buried him, his family members have come for the house and shop because we had no children together.
Yes, I had no child but I had blisters. I had receipts. I have 30 years of shared suffering and love. What should I do?
Afi, Ho
Dear Afi,
Afi, I know this hurts deeply, but don’t leave your 30 years of toil to your husband’s family. Gather every proof you have- the receipts for cement and blocks, photos of you both building, ‘Susu’ records, and statements from neighbours or the mason who saw you work together. This shows ‘joint acquisition’ and the court will consider it. Under Ghana’s Intestate Succession Law, PNDC Law 111, you have rights even without children. You are entitled to household items, part of the estate, and a life interest in the house. Custom cannot erase that. Do not sign any paper Uncle Joe brings until a lawyer has read it.
Get help right away; don’t fight this alone. Go to Legal Aid Ghana for assistance. They offer free support for women in inheritance cases. Talk to your pastor, counselor, or women’s group because this is grief on top of grief.
