Dear Obaa Yaa,

I am a married woman, but I am struggling with something I have been unable to overcome.

Before I got married, I had an intimate relationship with a fellow woman. To be honest, I enjoyed being with her more than I have ever enjoyed being with a man.

I thought getting married would make those feelings disappear, but that has not happened.

I have struggled to enjoy intimacy with my husband. Sometimes, when my husband is being intimate with me, I have to imagine him as a woman before I can enjoy what he is doing.

I have prayed about this situation and have also sought spiritual help, but nothing seems to have changed. I genuinely want to understand what is happening to me and whether there is anything I can do about these feelings.

I love my husband, but I am struggling with my sexual desires, and I don’t want this situation to destroy my marriage.

Please, what can I do to deal with this urge? I desperately need advice.

Afua, Bantama.

Dear Afua,

Your situation is a bit dicey and confusing. Having an urge or attraction does not automatically make you a bad person. What matters is how you respond to those feelings and the choices you make.

It is also important to understand that marriage does not automatically erase previous attractions or experiences. Since you had a relationship with a woman before marriage and found it deeply satisfying, it is possible that those memories and patterns of attraction are still influencing your present sexual feelings. That does not mean you are helpless or that your marriage cannot work.

I would advise you not to rush into another relationship with a woman simply because you are unhappy sexually with your husband. That could create another layer of secrecy, guilt and problems in your marriage.

Continue praying and seeking spiritual guidance—but combine that with appropriate professional counselling.

Dear Obaa Yaa,

I am a young man sharing a rented apartment with three other guys. We rented the place together because we are all students and currently on vacation.

Recently, two of the guys travelled to their hometown, leaving only two of us in the apartment. The problem started when the other roommate brought a lady to the house. At first, I thought she was only visiting, but she has now been staying with us for several days and appears to be living here.

I have spoken to my roommate and asked him to ask the lady to leave because I am uncomfortable having someone who was not part of our original arrangement living in the apartment but he refused.

His argument is that he contributed his share of the rent, so he has the right to decide who stays with him. He says that since his money helped us secure the apartment, I cannot tell him what to do with his portion of the house.

The situation is becoming uncomfortable, and I do not want this disagreement to destroy our friendship. I also do not want to appear controlling or disrespectful.

Please, Obaa Yaa, am I wrong to ask him to send the lady away?

Nana Yaw Frimpong, Accra

Dear Nana Yaw Frimpong,

You are not wrong for feeling uncomfortable. The main issue is not that your roommate has a girlfriend; it is that a shared apartment is being used by an additional person without the agreement of the other people who live there.

Paying his share of the rent gives him rights as a tenant, but it does not automatically mean he can unilaterally turn a shared apartment into a place where his partner also lives.

Don’t make it a fight between you and the girlfriend. She is not the main problem. Your disagreement is with your roommate.

Have a calm conversation with him. Tell him that you respect his relationship, but having someone stay for several days is different from having a visitor for an evening.

Speak to the other roommates. Since they are temporarily away, don’t make a permanent decision on their behalf; they should at least know what is happening.

Set a clear boundary rather than issuing an ultimatum. You can say that you are not comfortable with an additional person becoming a permanent occupant unless all the tenants agree.

If he continues to refuse any discussion, you may have to decide whether the friendship is worth enduring an arrangement that makes you uncomfortable or whether, when the tenancy ends, you should live separately.

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