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Why do you want to get married? – Part 3

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•Marriage will not make problems in your relationship disappear

We continue our exploration into the motivations behind the decision to say ‘I do’. In Parts 1 and 2 we have already discussed the influence of age (I’m growing old; therefore, I have to marry), societal pressures (My family, friends and society are putting pressure on me to marry), peer influence (My friends are all marrying; I am the only one who is not yet married), and the desire for a wedding ring (I need to wear a wedding ring too).

In Part 3, we delve into the dynamics of marrying someone you have been with for an extended period of time, the belief that marriage will resolve relationship issues, and the desire to host a big wedding party.

Whether you are joining us for the first time or have been follow ­ing along, let us continue exam ­ining the reasons some people get married. These include (stated in their own words):

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5. We have been together for too long; I have to marry him (or her)

“We have been together for too long; I have to marry him (or her)” is one of the common reasons peo ­ple get married to their partners.

This will be a step in the right direction if only you have taken the time to establish whether or not your decision of getting married to that person is the best option for you and your future.

This is important because we have seen so many unhealthy and abusive relationships which have lasted for several years without the couples going their separate ways.

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Imagine going ahead to marry the abuser simply because of the years of being together.

6. If I marry my partner, the problems in our relationship will stop

Know that marriage by itself will not make these problems you are experiencing in your relation­ship disappear.

In fact, these problems almost always get worse after marriage. If there are crucial issues which need to be addressed and resolved, do not sweep them under the carpet in the hopes that they will disappear after you get married.

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That scarcely happens if it does at all. Getting married is not the antidote to problems in your rela­tionship.

You need to talk about all im ­portant issues openly before mar ­riage. Neither the marriage cere­mony nor the marriage itself will eliminate the issues or the effects of your disagreements.

If these issues seem too difficult or threatening to handle alone, then consider booking an appointment with a professional relationship and marriage counsellor, or pastor in certain cases.

Counsellor Prince & Associates Consult (CPAC) is also available to assist couples who are facing such issues in their relationships.

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7. I want to host a big wedding reception and party as well

Although it is not evil or wrong to have a nice wedding reception and party; yet, you must under ­stand that marriage is far weightier than just a party or reception.

Parties are okay and even some ­times fun, but marriage is definite ­ly not just about a day’s event. Marriage is a completely different matter.

It has to do with the rest of your life; every day, all the time, even when you don’t feel like it. Marriage is a serious business. And hopefully it is sometimes fun too, but, truly, weddings have less to do with the marriage itself.

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Culture of resignation    

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There is a culture that permeates all aspects of leadership in the advanced countries which I believe has contributed to the success in all aspects of their national lives.  Citizens strive to excel so that they will not find themselves in a situation where they would have failed, to necessitate a decision to resign.  

Countries where failure is frowned upon, it pushes the citizens to strive for success.  In our part of the world, failure and mediocrity has become an accepted norm and therefore, there is no shame in failing in a particular position of leadership.  

A head of an organisation mismanages the place and he does not see the need for him to resign.  The appointing authority does not also see the need to sack him and so the merry go round continues.  

It becomes friends and family as usual and if care is not taken, the rest of the world will leave us far, far behind.

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The practice of resignation in parts of the world for failure in some parts of the world has to be institutionalised in our country too.  It encourages the principle of accountability which is good for any organisation, sector of an economy or a country.  

It promotes good governance, a necessary ingredient in the growth of the economy of any country.  

When this practice becomes a culture, every individual, privileged to hold a position of trust, gives his or her full attention to the job assigned him or her, to ensure that objectives are achieved.  

This trickles down to every individual down the chain of command and there are no rooms for errors.  

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That is how efficient systems are built over time and this is the difference between advanced nations and third world countries.  

Where systems are designed such that people take responsibility for things that go wrong under their supervision or ultimate responsibility, there is evidence of development.

There are a few people that I admire in Ghana as far as this culture of resignation based on principled stance. One of them is the late Mrs Emma Mitchell.  She was a cabinet member but chose to resign after the confrontation between late President Jerry Rawlings and late Vice President Kow Akaah. 

 She was not prepared to be part of a cabinet which was lying to the general public that Rawlings did not assault Akaah.  

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She was of the conviction that telling the truth is more honourable than telling lies and that if she was bound by confidentiality oaths to tell a lie, then she would resign and she did exactly that.  

That is how we build a culture of truth and accountability. We have people in positions who have not lived up to expectation but are still holding on to their positions not prepared to let go of it.  

This is a clear case of display of selfishness, trying to be a Boss instead of a Servant to serve the people, which leadership is all about.

The ineffectiveness of some leaders, often result in waste of resources which could have been channeled to other sectors of the economy which could have been more productive. A culture of voluntary resignation must be advocated for by all stakeholders, especially the CSOs, traditional leaders and the clergy.  

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This is the only way the needed growth in every sector of our national life would manifest.  

Presidents, Prime Ministers, heads of reputable organisations have voluntarily resigned by taking ultimate responsibility and it is about time, we started seeing it manifest in our country.  

The people in charge of our sports especially our soccer, can initiate this long desired culture and resign in view of the embarrassment witnessed from the defeat of the Black Stars by Gambia. God bless.

BY LAUD KISS-MENSAH

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Features

Responding to religious insults with faith, wisdom and restraint (Part 2)

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THE QUR’AN FORBIDS RELIGIOUS PROVOCATION

There is a remarkable verse in the Qur’an which every Muslim preacher should memorise.

Allah says:

“And do not insult those they invoke besides Allah, lest they insult Allah in hostility without knowledge.” (Qur’an 6:108).

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Think about this carefully.

Allah knows that the unbelievers worship false gods.

Yet Allah tells Muslims: Do not insult their objects of worship.

Why?

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Because your speech may provoke an even greater offence.

This establishes a profound principle:

A Muslim must not fight religious provocation with religious provocation.

If someone insults what we hold sacred, we do not respond by insulting what they hold sacred.

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If someone attacks Islam, we defend Islam with knowledge.

If someone misrepresents Muhammad (pbuh), we explain who is Muhammad to him.

If someone lies about Islam, we answer with truth and knowledge.

We do not allow another person’s bad behaviour to dictate our own morality.

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LOOK AT MUHAMMAD (PBUH) — HE WAS INSULTED BEFORE WE WERE

Servant of Allah,

Sometimes we speak as though the Prophet (pbuh) lived in a world where everyone respected him.

No.

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He was mocked and insulted. Quran 37:36, Quran 15:6

He was called a liar, magician, and a mad man. Quran 51:52, Quran 17:47

He was ridiculed. Quran 6:10

His followers were tortured, and some were killed. Quran 85:8-10

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He himself was persecuted, leading to his migration to Madina.

Yet he remained the Messenger of Allah.

Allah said:

“Indeed, we know that your heart is distressed by what they say.” (Qur’an 15:97)

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Allah acknowledged the Prophet’s pain.

Islam does not say that insults do not hurt. They hurt.

But the question is: What do you do with the pain?

THE DAY OF TA’IF: WHEN THE PROPHET (PBUH) COULD HAVE CHOSEN

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REVENGE

One of the most powerful examples is the journey of the Prophet (pbuh) to Ta’if.

He went seeking support for his message.

Instead, the people rejected him and incited their children and others against him.

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He was chased.

He was insulted.

He was struck with stones until his feet bled.

He was physically and emotionally exhausted.

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Then the Angel of the Mountains came to him.

The two angels offered to crush the people of Ta’if between the mountains.

The Prophet (pbuh) could have said: “Do it.”

But he did not.

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Instead, he hoped that Allah would bring from their descendants people who would worship Him.

This account is recorded in the authentic hadith literature, including Sahih Muslim (Muslim, 1795).

What a lesson!

The Prophet (pbuh) had suffered injustice.

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But he did not turn his pain into indiscriminate revenge.

He saw beyond the offender.

He saw the possibility of tomorrow.

And this is one of the greatest characteristics of prophetic leadership:

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The Prophet (pbuh) did not merely ask, “What punishment does this person deserve?”

He also asked, in effect: “What can this person become?”

THE PROPHET IN MADINAH: LEADER OF A DIVERSE SOCIETY

When Muhammad (pbuh) migrated to Madinah, he did not enter an empty city.

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Madinah contained different communities, including Muslims and Jews, and there were also Christians who interacted with the Muslim community.

The Prophet became the political and communal leader of Madinah.

The Sahifah (A Covenant) of Madinah, preserved in the early sīrah (Prophet’s biography) tradition, established arrangements concerning mutual obligations, security, justice and relations among the communities of the city.

This is important:

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The Prophet did not build Madinah by teaching Muslims to hate everyone who was not Muslim.

He built a society governed by covenant, responsibility and justice.

Allah says:

 “Allah does not forbid you from being kind and just to those who have neither fought you because of your religion nor driven you from your homes. Indeed, Allah loves those who act justly.” (Qur’an 60:8)

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This is not weakness.

This is Islam.

THE PROPHET DEALT WITH JEWS IN MADINAH

‘A’ishah (Wife of the Prophet) narrated that the Prophet (pbuh) bought food from a Jewish man on credit and gave him his iron armour as collateral.

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“The Prophet purchased food from a Jew on credit and mortgaged his iron armour to him.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, 2068)

Think about it.

This was Muhammad.

The Messenger of Allah.

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Yet he conducted lawful commercial dealings with a Jewish citizen.

He did not say: “He is not a Muslim, therefore I cannot deal with him.”

No.

Islam gave him a relationship governed by justice and trust.

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Jabir رضيهللاعنه narrated:

“A funeral procession passed before us and the Prophet (pbuh) stood up, and we stood with him. We said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, it is the funeral of a Jew.’ He said: ‘When you see a funeral procession, stand.’” (Sahih al-Bukhari, 1311)

Another narration records his response: “Is it not a soul?” (Sahih al-Bukhari, 1312–1313)

What kind of heart did Muhammad (pbuh) possess?

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A heart that recognised human dignity even in death.

THE PROPHET AND THE CHRISTIANS OF NAJRAN

The Prophet also received the Christian delegation of Najran.

They disagreed with him theologically.

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Yet when they requested a trustworthy person, he did not choose someone because of hatred.

He selected Abu ‘Ubaydah ibn al-Jarrah.

The Prophet said:

“I shall send with you a man who is truly trustworthy.”

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He then appointed Abu ‘Ubaydah.

This is authentically reported in Sahih al-Bukhari 4380–4381.

Notice something profound:

The Prophet could disagree with people without becoming dishonest toward them.

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That is the standard we need today.

The author is the chief Imam of Katamanso Municipal and Certified Counsellor and Governance Expert.

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