Student life just prior to GCE exams is as interesting and adven­turous as it is tragic. It is a period during which recalcitrant finalists are tempted to break into backyard poul­try outfits of senior house-masters, so that they can enjoy chicken-soup while “ghosting.”

And in mixed schools, it is during this revision period that boys and girls alternate studies with romance in such a way that at the beginning of the long vacation, the girls can clandestine­ly approach unscrupulous doctors to scoop out growing babies from their bellies.

A few weeks to the beginning of the first paper, many students devel­op physical and imaginary illnesses ranging from amnesia to kpokpomatics (nervousness). The budding finalist who is serious and level-headed plans his study time-table and allots time for bath, meals, siesta and snoring.

Such candidates follow their own regimented programme to the letter and enjoy normal life while studying for their exams. They are health-con­scious, do not take drugs and they enjoy rest to avoid brain fag.

There are other serious students, however, who are not concerned about health. They are so busy, or claim to be, that they refuse to take their bath, comb their hair, wash their hands before eating and sometimes, simply refuse to go to “toilet”. This is quite revolutionary and I wonder how they manage it. But that is not all.

They take ‘caterpillar’ to keep awake, fail to wash their cover-cloths, and have air conditioners permanently installed in their armpits. These are students who are on the war-path to­wards academic distinction but ironi­cally very few of them do well.

Some are so over-zealous that they pack and carry books for all their eight or so subjects to the classroom swear­ing to ‘chew’ all before day-break. They end up learning virtually noth­ing because they prefer the rhythmic snoring using their books as pillow to cramming Abbot.

The following morning, they will be the first to impress their colleagues: “I swear my father’s moustache that last night I did what Napoleon could not do.” For sure, Napoleon did not sleep that much. Ninety per cent of such students end up in the academic grave with grade 9s, subsidiary passes and FAIL as their lot.

Incidentally, however, those cate­gory of students are more acceptable to organised society than the happy-go-lucky ones who regard academic excellence as sacrilegious and, there­fore, include discoing, wee-smoking, chasing form-two girls and stealing gari from frail chop boxes in their study programme.

These are the students who are so intellectually deviant that they keep on praying papers should leak so that they can prove to their ‘book-long’ fel­lows they are a force to reckon with.

A month to exams they go hovering about West African Examinations Coun­cil (WAEC), forcing tete-a-tete with crooked officials some of whose faces look hungry enough to accept money in exchange for exam papers.

Others trot from school to school contacting friends of similar feather to obtain information about possible leak­age points. The girls become unusually liberal to the Assistant Headmaster who may, as a reciprocal gesture, be tempted to ‘peep’ two or three Maths questions from one paper to offer as sure tips after carefully changing the wording. These assistant heads, there­fore, become alphabetical surgeons; a very infamous occupation.

In the 70s, the incidence of leak­ages and exam malpractices became so rampant among the WAEC countries that Nigeria swore to rid its territory of the epidemic.

They did succeed. Sikaman author­ities also swore same, and for some time, ears became free from news about leakages, impostors and ‘copia­to’ (copying during exams).

But just as we had begun the last decade of the 20th Century, the plague re-surfaced and today some students and their allies are under lock and key for the part they played in this scholas­tic uprising.

Papers leak right from WAEC strong rooms, police stations and assistant headmasters’ vaults.

When papers for instance go into transit at the police station for onward transmission to the exam centres, sur­gical operations are performed on the sacks and the papers extracted and put on sale on the open market.

Sometime ago, the situation degen­erated so much that Makola women were seen hawking. Additional Mathe­matics papers just like tomatoes and garden-eggs.

One interesting but unfortunate thing about leakages is that it does no one ultimate good. To a brilliant student, a leaked paper in his posses­sion makes him unable to justify his intellectual capacity and his scholastic worth is over-shadowed.

To the brainless, it is simply a disas­ter. He has no brains whatsoever to im­bibe solution to the answers. He has to choose the alternative of entering the exam room with copied answers. And there, he becomes a copy-writer and proof-reader. Speed is his best asset, but he is most likely to be caught.

One block-headed student who acquired a leaked paper was faced with the problem of choosing between ‘chewing’ the answers (which was virtually impossible in view of his de­ficient IQ), and turning himself into a speed copy-writer. He however decid­ed to do neither of these.

In the exam room he considered his plight. All his friends and enemies were also in possession of the paper and had prepared so well that they were going to clock beautiful grades. And he, the only JUDAS in the lot will surely wind up with a grade 9. What!! God forbid!

On the answer sheet he wrote a very brilliant letter to the examiner in clear hand-writing and similar to this:

“Dear Sir, this very paper you are marking is under massive leakage, and I know that people are going to blow it paa-a! But as for me, although I also had all the questions, I am as daft as a live sheep. My father had no brains in his big head. As for my mother, the least said about her, the better. And as you know that a dog does not beget a cat, I was born an idiot.”

“So when I got the questions, I didn’t know what to do with them. Will you please therefore consider me and pass me too. Otherwise, I alone will die of academic dysentery. Thanks for your usual cooperation. Yours faithful­ly…”

The paper was cancelled, and students had to suffer the expense of re-registration and frustration, not forgetting the loss of time.

The only solution to this grave problem of exam leakages and allied criminal offences is that the law must prescribe stiffer punishments for those who perpetrate and or collaborate to further these criminal practices.

Those convicted of these offences must be packed away for as long as would be possible to make them forget about exam papers. Such a deterrent measure would help minimize the problem. Proper security arrangements must be organized by authorities of WAEC to rid Sikaman of this recurrent menace.

We must all endeavour to prevent the situation where outsiders will feel inclined to refuse recognising our dear certificates which many have toiled for, but which a dangerous few want to obtain without sweat.

This article was first published on Saturday, June 30, 1990.