He-goats, New Year resolutions (1)

AS a matter of principle, some people celebrate only New Year’s Day and not Christmas. And they would tell you that Christmas is for the kids. You’d wonder whoever told them that piece of nonsense.

At any rate, they won’t celebrate Christmas but wait patiently until 31st Night when they become practically possessed. When a man (or woman) gets possessed on December 31, it is a wonderful experience. He can bark for two hours non-stop when making New Year resolutions. I don’t know where they get the stamina from.

My own experience is that, the more resolutions you make and the more fervently you make them, the less likely you are to observe them. So I have for some ten years now stopped making resolutions and slept very soundly on December 31 night.

On 31st Night, I asked my wife to remain home.

The way she looked at me suggested that I was blaspheming. How could she ever sleep when others were going to be praying for redemption of sins and making their cherished resolutions?

Castration

Well, coming to think of it, women tend to be more religious than men. When a woman is thinking seriously about how to prepare for church, a man would be debating whether he should drink only beer throughout the night or mix it with Opeimu Bitters so that when he meets his girlfriend in bed, he can give a good account of himself.

For goodness sake; every man is potentially a he-goat or palpably a he-goat, unless of course he is castrated. Castration can be in several forms. It could be physical, chemical, emotional or divine.

Physical castration takes place when the human testicles are removed for justifiable or unjustifiable reasons. Justifiable when it is for medical reasons and unjustifiable when a wife wants to tame the husband’s over-active or sometimes explosive libido.

In other words, the husband has literally turned into a he-goat and can be found sniffing the buttocks of other women with unrestrained abandon. So the wife decides that may be he’d be a little bit sober if he stop bleating after other women.  He’d also grow fat and oily and learn to stay at home.

Chemical castration is where a rapist or serial sex offender has been convicted and sentenced to be castrated.

Certain emasculating chemicals are injected into him that destroy his male virility. So he sees a woman but no longer desires her.

Emotional castration is somewhat temporary. A man gets moody or disappointed and cannot achieve an erection. It could also be due to school fees palaver. Unless he pays his school fees, he can’t get an erection. May be, we have to pray for the soul of such people.

Divine castration is basically a delivering process. It is based on the idea that all men, no matter their pedigree or breed, are basically sexual animals endowed with the original sin.

So when they agree to come to Christ and have well-repented of their transgressions and confessed them for the remission of sins, it means they, have resolved to divest themselves of the qualities of a he-goat.

Having so resolved to be free of sexual encumbrances, the changed man must all the same undergo divine castration, so that his spirit, soul and mind will be cleansed of lust. Otherwise, he’d be a born again all right, but still hankering after skirt.

Divine castration is however reversible. Whenever you decide to backslide, your castration tends to be null and void. Also, whenever you get married, you are permitted to consummate the marriage. And how do you do that when you cannot get it up?

Testimony

You must be empowered during the honeymoon to prove that you are indeed a husband and not a hopeless pretender. If the groom cannot marshal enough firepower during the honeymoon, then when else?

It must, however, be noted that during a honeymoon, anything can happen. Over-excitement can be counter-productive to an otherwise lively libido and the groom can be found hopelessly wanting. It doesn’t mean he is impotent. It only means he needs time to organise.

Normally, a two-week honeymoon is enough time to put your act in order so that you can deliver in good time. The bride must be understanding and supporting.

It is not unusual, therefore, to find friends of the groom urging the inexperienced husband to rely solely on Alomo Bitters to pave the way to marital bliss and glory. And when the bride meets her mum after the honeymoon, she can give eloquent testimony of her husband’s ability to dance.

“He didn’t let me sleep she’d coo into her mum’s ear. And together they’d laugh aloud.

“I am already pregnant she’d add and triple the joy. I wish all fans of Sikaman Palava’ a triple portion of joy, peace and love. God bless.

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