DNA and marital deceptions

Ghanaians are becoming more scientific, perhaps too scien­tific for their own good. Some say they are scientific Christians and want to subject the doctrine of Jesus Christ to scientific analysis and proof. Such Christians need to be delivered in good time, lest they get struck on the way to Damascus.

Did I hear someone say the other day that he was following scientific diet? The person had formulated his own complex dietary regimen and called it scientific. I call it disaster. But who can blame him? There is freedom of speech. And the person’s stomach also has the freedom of expression, whether the stomach is manual or automatic.

A man has been battling a court case for some time now. His case is simple. He impregnated his girlfriend and together they were expecting the baby. A bouncy baby was delivered after five months and he celebrated with booze and break-dancing.

As he was preparing for an outdoor­ing, someone came to whisper into his left ear that his baby had already been outdoored and named by anoth­er man. He nearly developed stroke.

When he made discreet enquiries, he realised it was true. A thick-tall barrel-chested man had already out­doored his baby in pomp and pageant­ry, brass band and spin-music backed by a live band performance. A come­dian was at the ceremony providing all the laughter needed to make for a grand occasion.

ARGUMENT

He furiously confronted the girlfriend and she told him curtly: “The baby is not yours!” He nearly collapsed. Since when did the baby not become his? He endured a brief argument and then decided to send the matter to court.

Meanwhile he had information that his baby’s new father was someone who had been infertile or precise­ly was infertile. It meant that he couldn’t impregnate a woman no mat­ter the number of rounds he went per night. However, he was very success­ful and rich.

He was alleged to have been looking desperately for offspring. So when he had an affair with a lady and she came with the news that she was pregnant, he did not even enquire whether it was by him or not. He quickly accepted responsibility.

However, another school of thought has it that the man plotted with the lady to get pregnant by another man and let him (the infertile man) take responsibility. Unfortunately, the alleged true father of the baby won’t let go, so the matter went to court.

When a paternity case winds up in court, then scientificity comes to play, because the judge cannot use his legal knowledge, no matter how vast, to ascertain the true father of the baby.

In hospital, the simple method of using the ABO blood group test has been often employed. If the father has Blood Group A and the mother has Blood Group B, it is automatic that the offspring must have Blood Group AB and not O. However, the child could have AB and still not belong to the man because the other man might also have Group A.

So the most reliable method is what has made Ghanaians more scien­tific in their outlook lately. Everybody is talking about DNA. Even my grand­mother in the village knows about it, and she can tell you exactly what it is.

DNA in full is ‘Deoxyibonucleiacid’. It represents the genetic code of the human person. In other words your DNA determines how you look like. And there is a link between your DNA and that of all your offspring are iden­tical in a way. It is 99 per cent accu­rate in determining paternity.

JOY FM recently did an interesting programme on paternity. A man who won a US Visa lottery and wanted all his four kids to accompany him on the trip was required by the embassy to do a DNA on the kids. Lo and behold, two of them were certified as NOT his children. CHECK out the embarrass­ment!

ATOMIC

If this is true, then it means that other grand exposures are in the pipe­line. Happy families are going to be shattered with the force of an atomic bomb. What is man going to do with a child he has loved and cared for, educated and has become emotionally attached to only to hear that he was spending all his fortune on another person’s child.

The human female is not supposed to have the attitude of a nanny goat who doesn’t know or care to know the father of her children. After all, no outdooring or naming ceremony will take place. And there will be no US VISA requirement, if a nanny goat “jams an international luck.” By acci­dent or by fate.

Well, I guess and more people will be getting curious about their off­spring, especially when your kid looks exactly like a man living a hundred metres away.

I am aware of a man who has three children and two are not his. The man is however content. I’m sure the wife would be in for some hefty cut­lass wounds. So in circumstances like this, it is better to let sleeping dogs lie. Revelations can bring tragedy. They can bring death.

Now the question every family man should be asking himself is: How many of my children are mine? If you have cause to believe that all your kids are not yours, you can drag your wife for a DNA together with the kids trailing behind you. But remember you might end up with a hefty slap from your wife if the DNAs prove that the kids are all yours, after all.

Whatever it is, women should be coming to terms with the fact that people are indeed becoming more sci­entific. So gone are the days that you get pregnant by another man and give the child to another. Chances are that you might be found out and disgraced.

The human female must stop being a problem unto herself.

This article was first published on September 3, 2005