I am confused

Dear Obaa Yaa,

I am a married woman, but I am struggling with something I have been unable to overcome.

Before I got married, I had an intimate relationship with a fellow woman. To be honest, I enjoyed being with her more than I have ever enjoyed being with a man.

I thought getting married would make those feelings disappear, but that has not happened.

I have struggled to enjoy intimacy with my husband. Sometimes, when my husband is being intimate with me, I have to imagine him as a woman before I can enjoy what he is doing.

I have prayed about this situation and have also sought spiritual help, but nothing seems to have changed. I genuinely want to understand what is happening to me and whether there is anything I can do about these feelings.

I love my husband, but I am struggling with my sexual desires, and I don’t want this situation to destroy my marriage.

Please, what can I do to deal with this urge? I desperately need advice.

Afua, Bantama.

Dear Afua,

Your situation is a bit dicey and confusing. Having an urge or attraction does not automatically make you a bad person. What matters is how you respond to those feelings and the choices you make.

It is also important to understand that marriage does not automatically erase previous attractions or experiences. Since you had a relationship with a woman before marriage and found it deeply satisfying, it is possible that those memories and patterns of attraction are still influencing your present sexual feelings. That does not mean you are helpless or that your marriage cannot work.

I would advise you not to rush into another relationship with a woman simply because you are unhappy sexually with your husband. That could create another layer of secrecy, guilt and problems in your marriage.

Continue praying and seeking spiritual guidance—but combine that with appropriate professional counselling.